Alopecia affecting marriage

[rhododendrons]

Hi everyone. I am feeling really quite down and would like some honest advice.

So a few years ago I developed alopecia. My hair became really thin and patchy. It's been difficult to come to terms with and I struggle at times. With self esteem, self image as a woman, and financially with the cost of hairpieces (even half way real looking ones are astronomical for someone on a low income).

I should say me and DH have been together for a long time, coming up 20 years total. I've only had alopecia the past 6 years.

What bothers me is - he says all the right things, says he is still attracted to me etc, but he doesn't show it, and I am really sensitive towards it. If I say I don't think you like me anymore in that way, he will immediately reply "Of course I do, I love you". I say that's not the same thing. He is affectionate but it's in a 'sweet' way now, not a 'desire' way like it used to be.

He used to invite me to social events. Any family events and I would automatically be there. But specifically since the alopecia, he doesn't invite me and brushes me off if I mention it. He will take our son but not me. We do go out to other places, walks etc, just not events.

He seems a bit uncomfortable whether I wear a wig or I don't.

Recently one morning when we were having sex in missionary, I noticed he was staring up and straight ahead out the window not at me. Afterwards when I mentioned it, he defensively said "I was looking at the sun, it's nice today" .

He's recently lost a bit of weight and looks great. I feel so insecure. I know he loves me as a person, on one hand I am happy and we have a good relationship, but on the other hand I'm honestly pretty sure he doesn't find me attractive anymore, at least on some level. He wouldn't admit it but really it's there.

It hurts, and I feel like I'm waiting for him to eventually jump ship for someone he can have that attraction for. I keep feeling like I want to leave now to spare me the hurt.

It feels like he love me, but he is disappointed and sad that this has happened to me, and sometimes he gets slightly angry if for example I get sad about it, he will snap "There's nothing wrong with you" etc. I don't feel fully accepted.

I don't really know what I am asking, just I suppose how to proceed, any advice.

Sorry to hear you are feeling this way, there are some men that are turned on by the depth of love they have for their partners and that would never change and some that are more superficial. Don't let his desire or lack thereof determine how you feel about yourself. You are still the same woman you've always been, it's his loss if he's too shallow to see past this.

Op, I am so sorry you feel this way.

Think of it this way, if he didn’t find you attractive, he wouldn’t be having sex with you! I bet he still finds you so sexy and attractive really.

You are still you, you are the woman he feel in love with xxx

@JustPlainKnackered He does have depth of love for me. What bothers me is that I can tell that he tries not to let my condition bother him, but it still does bother him. I don't know how we get past this, especially when he won't admit it and it's such a sensitive topic for me.

@Workinghardeveryday I have had counselling and one of the issues I've been working on is alopecia. The counsellor said something to me regarding me and DH sex life and alopecia which did resonate - that perhaps he feels like he wants sex, and I am his wife so automatically I am who he is able to do it with, so he does. Even without much attraction.

Yes, I'm sure I don't completely repulse him, but it is very obvious that he does not have that desire for me like he used to. The way that I look at him sometimes and want him, he doesn't have that with me any more, and that makes me sad. It's quite mechanical and he doesn't look at me or my body with desire (patchy hair on top, stretchmarks due to DC etc) or touch me much except down there.

Can you ask him to be honest and tell him that you feel less desirable, so if he also would like you to have your hair can you agree as a couple to focus some savings on a really good wig/extensions, whatever will work for you, so that you feel more like the old you?

Then you can feel good about going to functions and better about things in general. It could be that feeling less secure and confident is what’s affecting you (and him), rather than him not desiring you.

@Guatemalagirl I have been honest about it with him. He is the type of person who sticks his head in the sand. Basically, I can tell that whilst he does love me, the alopecia does make him less attracted to me , but he would never, never come out and admit it. He hates confronting things and he would be worried about hurting my feelings.

I think to some extent you are right, it's partially my lack of confidence and my self consciousness which puts him off.

It is just killing me though. When we go anywhere, there are women looking great and he does look - not in an inappropriate way as he is never disrespectful about it - but I can tell he is thinking she is a nice looking woman. But he does not feel that way about me - I am like a best friend only, since alopecia ): ):

Getting older makes us less attractive. Getting bald makes us less attractive (men and women). Getting overweight makes us less attractive. They are all part of growing with a partner. And yes, both you and your partner will have things which are getting less attractive with the passage of time. Yes, a full head of strong hair is more attractive than a balding one... both for men and women. If your husband was losing his hair, you would also recognise that he is less attractive. But after a while you get used to his new image as a balding man and you take the whole image of "your partner, the man who you love".

With all the kindness in the world OP, the main perception of lack of attraction here comes from you, not your partner. You sound utterly terrified of not being attractive, so you will see yourself as unattractive, and will convince yourself you husband is not attracted to you, and nothing he does or say will convince you of the contrary. It is your own self-esteem you need to work on.

Look around you. Every single couple you see who are deeply in love with one another will feel like that despite the other person's new and old imperfections. I look around and I see unattractive people in love. Bald people. Fat people. People with burnt skin. With psoriasis. Scars. Disfigurations. Some of these things appeared later in the relationship. Yes, they are less attractive, but the whole package of love comes into it, and the whole person that is you overcomes these issues.

Please give your partner the chance to love you as you are. I can almost guarantee that the least attractive part of yourself right now is not your alopecia, but your crushing lack of self-esteem and constant doubt of your partner's love for you.

A couple of things.
You’ve been together a long time, feelings do naturally change over time. I don’t think it’s uncommon for feelings of ‘desire’ to morph into something more cerebral over time.
I would be very concerned that your own issues, feelings and lack of self-confidence round your hair could be causing more problems in your relationship than the way he feels about your illness.
I think the fact that he is trying so hard to support you and make you feel loved speaks volumes about him and how important you are to him. Do you really want him to come out and say ‘I just don’t fancy you without your hair’?? Where do you go from there? He’s desperately trying not to hurt you why are your trying to force him to do the opposite?
I do also feel Like you’re maybe putting words into his mouth.
When he arranges to go to events do you not say ‘oh, I’m free, I can come too’?
Find it a bit odd that a councillor said that about your sex life

@aurynne Thanks for that. I have often thought that, if he became less attractive in a similar way I have then I would probably feel less attracted. I would hopefully get used to it though, and I wouldn't want to leave. I know, it's the person as a whole. He is young looking for his age and has a full head of hair and his body hasn't been ravaged by childbirth. Seems so unfair!!

Women do look at him and he looks at attractive women - honestly not in a bad way, in the same way I would glance at an attractive man without meaning it. I just feel so left out of all that , being 'abnormal' ie without hair.

@Smartiepants79 In a way, yes, I do want him to come out and say it. Because he certainly acts like it (that he is not as attracted to me anymore and that it bothers him).
I feel a bit like right now we are living a lie.
With the events, that actually really hurts every time. He isn't much of a social butterfly, I'm talking about unavoidable events like weddings and funerals. Pre-alopecia, for over a decade, it would be a given I'd go, as his wife. But since alopecia, he skirts around the issue and I just am not invited. If I pushed the issue, I could go, but it would be awkward and it's clear he'd rather I just stayed in the background. I feel he is embarrassed by me but still wants me in his life .

We have been through a lot together, and I have loved him through good and bad times and we have a child together and I have one child from previous. Both older now so not in the thick of child rearing. We get on, as friends. But since my alopecia, the romance and attraction seems to have gone, and it hurts so much that he could look at someone else with that desire that he doesn't for me anymore. . It can't be helped I don't think, but it does hurt and is often making me feel I'd be happier leaving than being his 'friend'.

such a wise post aureynne.

No words to add OP, but I hope things improve for you.

I don't understand how you cannot be invited to weddings and such! I wouldn't stay with someone who was embarrassed by me op. No wonder you feel so down and lacking in confidence.

I think it's really shit that he's not inviting you to events, no wonder you feel bad!
Re: your own self-image. Have you tried wearing things like crocheted caps. Etsy has some really pretty ones, you can get light ones for summer. Sorry if that's uphelpful.

From your description it sounds like he's been a good partner and husband, and is basically a kind person. So he'll never admit to something that would hurt your feelings.

Except he is hurting your feelings - by withdrawing sexually but not being willing to discuss why, and by not inviting you to family events. So can you appeal to his kindness, his decency, and explain that

'I understand you may just want to spare my feelings, but at the moment I have a husband who doesn't appear to fancy me, and who won't go out with me to events. So you aren't sparing my feelings at all, you're hurting me and refusing to discuss why. Be honest - why don't you want me to go with you to family events? You know it's normal for husband and wife to go to these things together - what's your reason for not wanting me there? And be honest about how much you fancy me. You might think you're being kind, but I want a husband who finds me attractive, and if you don't, I deserve to know so I can decide what to do about it. It isn't kind to refuse to engage on this.'

It sounds like both of you have a lot of complicated feelings going on, when we bury feelings he is doing they just get in the way of honest connection. Good relationships and resolving unwelcome feelings don't just happen they have to be nurtured.
It sounds to me like he doesn't like this unwelcome change but it's ashamed of his feelings and realises they are unfair on you... They are unwelcome feelings but exist nonetheless.
I don't think this will go away without help for him and you to work on it. Finding beauty in your partner is sometimes a choice and behaviour like avoiding touching isn't going to support that choice, but they're are things that can be done to connect and allow desire to blossom once more.
First I think you need counselling together and apart to face honestly where you are, then to see if healing and nurturing of a better connection can happen.
Hair loss in ladies is such a social taboo and not everyone is a natural art shrugging that kind of thing off and walking tall, sounds like he needs help with that.

Also what JustPlainKnackered said. Sums up the situation very well. It’s important to ground yourself in your own self worth.

It’s hard I know sometimes. It’s like when some women put on an extra stone or two - for many it doesn’t affect anything much in themselves or relationships, but for others it becomes an issue, even if it’s something they have little control over, eg medical problems, stress, ageing.

And further posts seem very helpful too. About not brushing it under the carpet if it has become such an issue.

Thanks everyone. Lots to think on.

I did make it into a big issue the first couple of years. If I was more positive about it, maybe he wouldn't see it this way.

Regards not taking me along to events like weddings and funerals, I haven't addressed it with him really because at the time it always seems crass to bring it up on someone's big day or around someone's funeral. It hurts me a lot though. Also, he'd never admit the reason so it's a bit pointless.

I feel like I should withdraw from him a bit because of that. I'm not sure if that's game playing on my part though.

He is having some really difficult family issues right now, but when the dust settles on that I think I'm going to tell him we need to have a really serious make or break talk.

I'd address him not inviting you to events and only taking your son. That doesn't seem right.

Hope it all works out for you.

You seem to have two issues here.

Firstly, the attractiveness. My DP is overweight at the moment. It doesn't bother me, I still fancy her, I still want to have sex with her. It does bother her. If I tell her she looks nice in an outfit, then it's "Oh, I'd look nicer if I lost a few pounds". If she catches me looking at her naked, then she assumes I'm mentally criticizing her weight gain, rather than having a perv.

The extra weight I don't find unattractive, the fact that she keeps drawing my attention to it and the lack of self confidence she has lately is unattractive. I reckon it's the same for your husband, he still wants to have sex with you, so he can't be that repulsed, I'd bet money that your alopecia bothers you far more than its bothering him.

Secondly, the fact you think he's embarrassed by you. This could be true, but equally does he think he's sparing you embarrassment. You've said that this is quite a big thing for you, which of course it is. But if you've made it a big issue, then does he think that you won't want to go to these things. I'd say you're having a communication issue. Talk to him now, while there's not an event on the horizon, if you still don't get an invite next time then you've got your answer.

@rhododendrons
I think a few of the people have hit the nail on the head. You are still you, your sense of confidence is what will be attractive, forget worrying about your husband for now, work on your self-esteem. All the best,

Im so sorry you are experiencing these feelings and as someone with alopecia, I can empathise.
it has alot to do with having self worth + acceptance like many of the other posters have contributed, and 3 years on, I'd hope that you and your husband have come a long way with this.

My husband used my alopecia as a form of attack/ abuse to make me feel worthless, and unfortunately he succeeded, as my mindset is stuck on my own inner thoughts of - who would want me with no hair or, I'd only get attention/ a man wearing a wig, and once its removed, theyll all go running.
For this reason, I've remained stuck, for too long. But finally plucked the courage to file for a divorce.

Your husband on the other hand clearly loves you, and my advice would be to grow in confidence, when you look in the mirror, get used to you with - without a wig and tell yourself you're beautiful with or without. Let your husband see this confidence, and then I feel the pity/ thoughts that may come to his mind will disappear because he sees how confident you are and how much you dont care.

my vulnerability is what was used to attack me, because I showed weakness. I wouldn't let him see me without a wig. Id put a head scarf on, or cover my hair with my hands.

It would be great to hear that youre doing well OP :)