Best friend rushing into another relationship

[CrazyCatLady1993]

Hi!

I don't want to be a friend who seems unsupportive and I don't want to upset so looking for some advice!

My best friend/cousin got engaged 2.5 weeks ago to a guy she has been seeing after 3 months who she met on bumble. I'm really worried about her as she's very impulsive, loves LOVE and rushed her last relationship too which ended terribly.

Her last relationship she moved the guy into her home after 6 weeks. There were loads of red flags in that relationship from the beginning that she kept choosing to ignore - I'd point them out to her and ask her if she was sure just to show support etc, her family would raise concerns with the red flags too but she'd deliberately drag her heels and stay with him anyway to save face. She ended up staying with him for 3 years in the end and admitted after they broke up she realised very soon it was wrong but wanted to save face. So that's a little indicator of what she's like.

In December she met a new guy (baring in mind throughout last year she was trying to rush things with around 3 other guys she was seeing but they all pulled away) met each others families within a few weeks, booked a holiday after about a month together and now 3 months in they are engaged.

I know she feels the pressure to settle down as she's said she does previously (we are 30 next year) but because of the last time she rushed things and I raised concerns I feel perhaps I should just leave her to it as she'll do what she wants anyway and it's her life but equally I don't want to be a bad friend?

The guy she's now with was engaged to someone else this time last year, and now she has been engaged for 2 weeks they've already booked a venue. Alarm bells would be ringing for me! He was engaged to someone else last year?

Not sure what to do.....I don't want to be unsupportive but also its hard to be when I know she has a pattern of rushing things but this is a new record for her.

Do I politely raise concerns or just let her crack on??

It’s her life I would leave her to it

How tricky. I think you could raise your concerns, politely, pointedly and in her face. But I reckon most of that is out of duty. I doubt she's listening or will listen and she will follow her impulses regardless. Its "who she is" perhaps, we are who we are. However, a once-only serious and pointed caution or conversation might make her think twice, so nothing to lose. After that I'd drop the subject completely and not get further involved in her choices or relationship, as repeated disapproval can often backfire on you!

ps. being supportive, unsupportive, blah blah, you don't have to get "involved" either way after making your 'fair 'nuff' concerns known the one time. You can just remain neutral and not waste your energy on it.

No point saying anything as she won't listen so you'd be wasting your breath. Some people do get serious quickly and sometimes it works. Equally I've known couples together for a decade before marrying and the ink is barely dry on their marriage certificate when they split up 🤷‍♀️. Be happy that she's happy, and support her if it doesn't work out - that's what friendship is, no?

You in no way have to be supportive, but it's not your place to say anything, either. If she asks you directly what you think, by all means tell her the truth, but unless that happens, stay out of it.

Don’t say anything unless she asks your opinion, but be there for her if she needs you to pick up the pieces.

I lost a very good friend several years ago when I told her I was concerned she was moving too fast into a new relationship, following a series of failed short relationships with wankers which left her very hurt. She didn’t like what I was saying, accused me of being jealous of her happiness and said she wouldn’t risk me jeopardising something special, and never spoke to me again. In her case, the relationship (seemed to have) worked out: I know through mutual friends that they’re still together. At the time, I felt I was doing the right thing showing friendly concern, but didn’t anticipate she’d take it the way she did.

Same as above happened with my sister, she stopped speaking to me because I told her what I thought about her new relationship (talks of getting married after 2 weeks and getting his name tattooed on her) she didn’t speak to me for 2 months, I’ve realised it’s best not to say anything

Although I generally agree with keeping out of our close friends’ personal relationships, I do think we have a duty to be honest with them as well if we are genuinely concerned with their decisions. Just the ONE time mind, and perhaps delicately and briefly expressed, but I think we owe our friends that. Then step away from the chaos, if it emerges. And if you are neutral thereafter, as a pp says, you may be pleasantly surprised if it works out. Friends should not ‘interfere’, but I think should sometimes be honest if called for, that’s also what friends are for. Though I think this is more the case for a dodgy boyfriend (not saying this one is). PS. I once warned a friend that if she married her boyfriend without legal advice or a Will to protect her children’s inheritance of her house there was a considerable risk should anything happened to her. I remember she got very angry and started crying at me and shouting that she didn’t want to deal with “all that” . She went ahead and married him without protecting her children legally, but it didn’t last anyway.

But I think delicacy was is the issue. It’s hard but expressing our opinions delicately might be more helpful. I couldn’t hide my dislike of him, but looking back he wasn’t so bad really, and it was none of my business. I think it was my obvious dislike that caused the fracture and demise of our friendship, not my genuine concern if that makes sense.

Be there to pick up the pieces.

Well last time people were concerned she ended up staying with him 3 years to save face. So it's likely to happen again.

My parents got engaged within a few weeks of meeting and they have an amazing marriage, so short isn't necessarily bad.

@Momijin

Well last time people were concerned she ended up staying with him 3 years to save face. So it's likely to happen again.

My parents got engaged within a few weeks of meeting and they have an amazing marriage, so short isn't necessarily bad.

It's like saying someone jumped off the bridge and they were fine so it's not bad. Of course some people get lucky despite their irresponsible behaviour but it doesn't change the fact they were irresponsible. Rushing into relationships increases the risk of picking wrong person. It's impossible to know someone after few weeks and yes - some people end up happy but that's due to chance.

OP you can tactfully voice your concerns but that's all you can do. It's her life and her choices.

Leave her to it. Be a good friend when it falls apart.