How do you know when your marriage is over?

[CeCeG]

Hi - I could really do with some advice.

I have been married to my husband for 17 years and we have two daughters age 15 and 10. When we first met we had a good, healthy sex life but almost as soon as we moved in together it became less frequent and apart from the times we were trying for babies, it's not been regular. Now we haven't had sex since last September and I'd say on average over the past five or so years it's maybe been four or five times a year.

We don't communicate other than daily logistics, there is no affection or intimacy, the lack of sex is a massive problem on his part but I honestly would be happy not to do it again. I don't know if that's just with him or in general. I'm on HRT to try to boost my libido but no change so far.

I feel like there is no love left - well maybe care but certainly not in love and we don't fancy each other. He doesn't care about his weight, drinks too much and east shite. He won't even go to the GP for an over 40s check. Think he's in denial or he just doesn't give a shit.

We don't fight but we also don't really talk that much as our 15 year old is downstairs with us in the evenings and when she's not we just watch a series on TV. I am now starting to wonder if we would be better separating as neither or us are happy. I'm only 46 so I have a long life ahead of me and at the moment I feel like I have much more fun with and can talk to my friends more than I can to my husband.

When I hear people saying they love their partner more now than they did when they met or they are best friends with their partner, still fancy the pants off them etc then it just makes me feel sad and lonely as I definitely don't feel that way.

Is this normal? Are lots of couples the same? Do they stay together for the sake of the kids? I just don't know what to do. We have a deep and meaningful conversation about this around once every six months, say things will change, make an effort for a few weeks and nothing ever changes. I can really see that we'd have nothing left once the kids move out but I don't even know if it's worth staying in the marriage for that long as it could be another 8-10 years...

I'd really appreciate your thoughts as I don't know where else to turn and don't really want to discuss the finer details of my marriage with my friends. xxx

If you’re both not happy and you’ve spoken about it before and nothing changes then I’d suggest either couples counselling or telling him honestly about how you are feeling.
Have you explained that you are thinking of ending it?
You’ve been together a long time, you’ve lost your spark and it seems like you two have nothing to talk about. Do you go out with your own friends and have your own hobbies? Might help to go out and do things separately then at the end of the day you have something to talk about.
Tell him how unhappy you are, maybe agree for another so many months you both actively try again. Both take turns to Arrange date nights so you’re not just sitting watching tv every night. Go to counselling and try date each other again. If you’re still not happy then come to the agreement that you’re probably more like friends now.

I don’t understand how LTRs can stay happy forever either. We were fine for 15-20 years but OMG the realities of life with two jobs / kids / house / competing demands is just so full on, my early 20s self would have been horrified.

No answers from me, but solidarity.

I didn’t have sex with my ex husband for 5 years. I stopped making the effort and it all stopped. There were other issues too, we’d talk every year or so about how to make things better but he never made any effort and I couldn’t rescue it by myself.

We split, he immediately replaced me with someone else, he didn’t know her before just found her on internet dating and got serious with her very quickly. My first relationship didn’t work out and I’m very lonely at times. I also feel incredibly guilty about making my kids’ lived harder.

Would I go back and change it? I be wouldn’t, I’m happier on the whole out of my marriage even though it is hard at times. Someone said on here the grass is greener where you water it and I’m hoping this will be the case.

My story is almost identical, so solidarity here too.

It's so hard, especially when children are involved and lives are intertwined, no easy answers I don't think.
I find it frustrating as my husband seems happy just muddling along as flatmates, which means if action is going to be needed it will need to be me to change things and break the impasse :(

Just wanted to say that I feel similarly. I don’t know if it’s hormone changes and it might get better or if we need to just call it a day. I’m miserable though and feel trapped. Sorry not to have words of wisdom.

I felt like this, I couldn't do it any longer. I felt I was being tortured slowly. I started to resent him even been in the same house. I hated hearing him breathe even. I left and it was the best thing to happen to me. I found peace! I've been single 4 years now and I wouldn't go back to married life for all the tea in China. Life is too short to spend it miserable. You might meet someone who sweeps you off your feet, or you may not. It's all a gamble isn't it?

Thanks so much ladies. I wrote my husband an email telling him exactly how I feel. I didn't hold back from being 100% honest and I've asked him to do the same so we both know exactly where we stand. We are going to try to work through it together and I've got a book called How to save your marriage that we are going to work through together. I don't know what the outcome will be but hopefully by being completely honest with each other we are at least starting to talk about it and not just pretend it's ok when it clearly isn't. Thanks again xxx