Needing advice re mum

[Hairwizard]

So, mothers day was yesterday.

I took her some flowers chocs and cards out to her just after 3pm (dp and i took dc to local country park for a while before I went to hers)
She opened the door and before i could say anything she says 'no just you keep them it doesnt matter now, coming out here at this time? No youre alright.'
I lobbed the whole lot at her feet and turned to go back to car. She had the front door closed and locked before i was even in car.
This follows a few other incidents recently and dp then dumped further shite that had been going on when i wasnt about, on me when i came home upset.
To further complicate things they rent the house they live in from dp.
Given what he has told me and what ive had to fucking deal with im pretty much done.
She has history of falling out with people over stupid things and burned her bridges with just about everyone in her family and has now started her bullshit here (dm and df moved to our area 2 yrs back to see more of dc)
Im at the point now where it would be best if they moved out of that house and i dont want her in this house anymore as shes shown she cant be civil and behaved.
Dp has made it clear he wont tolerate any more snide comments and dirty looks from her (apparently something thats been happening if they call in and im not about) and why should he tbh.
Im fucking livid and mortified.
Its very obvious she has some sort of mental/personality disorder. And its not just me thinking this out of anger. Other people have noticed/been on the receiving end recently. Including the neighbours kids.
Dp and i have also just started wedding planning for next year. We have already discussions about how to tell her/deal with her on the run up and on the day. Ive already decided i cant have her there as shes too much of a liability. Ive made peace with that.
I dont know what else to say really. Or do. 40 years of this shit ive put up with. How df hasnt fucking walked away yet i will never know.
She also either doesnt realise or doesnt give a shit that all this affects my relationship with dp and also his family.
Anyone with any input greatly appreciated.

So sorry this happened to you.

I think your thinking around she having some sort of personality disorder is correct. It is not your fault she is like this nor did you make her that way either. BTW what if anything do you know about her own childhood?.

Tell her what she (and for that matter your dad) needs to know about your upcoming wedding - nothing. Do not have anything to do with either your mother or father (her enabler and besides which he gets what he wants out of their relationship) going forward. He has been a bystander to this out of wanting a quiet life and has failed completely to protect you from his wife's excesses of behaviour.

Do read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. I would also urge you to have a read of the Out of the Fog website.

DP if he is indeed their landlord could potentially give them notice to quit.

Thanks for replying. Much appreciated. I know nothing really of her own childhood other than she is one of 7 or 8 .

This behaviour goes back years. Im now remembering incidents as a child myself with friends coming to play then stay for tea. Then never playing with them again. I remember now mum had yelled at my friend cos she came in front door without knockin and waiting and made her go out and knock and wait. (We had been in and out playing and she had came in to find me) that same visit she shouted at her for ot eating what was put down for dinner.

So many friends i ended up unable to play with as she fell out with their mums over stupid stuff.

The list goes on. Re dad. Yip for sure hes enabled it. As we all have by just not addressing it and instead carrying on as if it never happened. Things need to change. I cant do it anymore.

You will not change her and you will not be able to heal any internal pain that she has.

You can only change how you react to her. Let go of all and any hope that she will change and or somehow say sorry; these people do not apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. You do not need her approval either; not that she would ever give it to you anyway.

You need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

Yip . Nail on the head there attila.

My bro on other hand thinks if she gets some help re mental state all will be good again. He doesn't seem to get it. Shes always been this way. Wont change now

Are you me, OP?

Slamming the door in my face over some imagined slight - being “late” with flowers on Mother’s Day sounds very much like my mother. And falling out with people regularly over trivial stuff, real or imagined. At other times charming to people when she so chooses (not incl me).

I also had to co tend with this kind of mad behaviour for years. It’s upsetting, tiresome and destabilising. I’m NC at the moment, 2 years after her last outburst, and life is more peaceful at least.

Your surmising of the situation sounds absolutely right. Distance distance distance 100 per cent. Most likely your DH will have to evict her to this end, but you may be in for a rough ride. Make it easy on yourself? Eg Tell her you need to sell the house (tell her any old story, you’re moving to Cyprus!). I would also definitely get legal advice on this first, so you are prepared for all eventualities. She may play dirty ☹️.

A final thought. If, and I do say if, you keep contact with her, remember if she improves for a while, she will never change. I’ve been through this rinse and repeat many times. They have some disorder or other, fundamentally they will never change. So you need to protect yourself, though I think you get that from what you write OP.

Ive just had enough of her shit now. Its causing tensions between myself and dp as hes put up with alot and not said much til now.

Im going to talk to my dad and make it clear that shes no longer welcome in the house and why. And that it would be best all round if they move out of that house asap. Shes caused a few issues out at that house too and i think its better done on my say so than it ending up in an eviction situ down the line.

Good for you. Sounds like a good plan. Good luck.

Her mh doesn't trump yours op.
Give her notice to quit the house. Keep her off your wedding guest list.
Leave her to it.
My dm flounced out of my house and I didn't see her for ten years!! Not 1 phone call. And like hell did I ring her..

@Hairwizard - I hear ya. Batshit mother here also and exactly the same issues with inviting friends over when I was younger. I cannot imagine treating my DD the same way. I think it gets worse as your children reach the same ages you were when all of the madness happened so it is really hard not to feel terribly sad for your inner child. Atilla is right, you won't get an apology, and she won't change. My mother (and now my Sister ) have zero self-awareness. They are both narcissists. My Dad was her enabler but I continue to see him because he has dementia and it is the right thing to do. My Mother won't advocate for him. Pull yourself away now and put your MH and family first. Definitely think 3 steps ahead in terms of the games she might play regarding eviction - it makes life easier if she confirms your suspicions by acting exactly like you think she will.

I will also not be inviting mine to my wedding either. You don't have to and realising this is quite liberating really. for you.

OP your mum sounds exactly like mine! I wrote a thread about her yesterday. She also shouted at my friends growing up and fell out with my friends parents all the time. She had a habit of calling up my friends mums and telling them their children were "unsuitable" friends for me and to keep them away from me. She also told one poor girl she was "too fat" to play with me as I was small and I might get crushed. Oh my, it's all flooding back now.

I think you should cease contact and stay strong, it's just too upsetting and it will never change as the others say.

Hi

Sounds like my Mother! I have posted and received some really helpful advice regarding her unreasonable behaviour. I strongly advise to try and not upset yourself as she knows exactly which strings to pull to get your attention.

I can vividly remember inviting friends from school around and tell them off for not saying a prayer before tea! I was mortified, and I lost quite a few friends as she would bitch about them and their Mothers at the school gate.

Please do not contact her, let her contact you.

Also whatever has happened will be your fault. She will have a way of twisting the situation around so she will look angelic. Another likely outcome is that she may develop a health problem. My Mother did this last week. I have developed a thick skin and have no sympathy for her ailments. Please don't pander to her.

Can you find somewhere else to live? Hopefully you can move far away so she can't visit that easily.

Also my Mother needs to be in control. Everything has to be done her way. Needs to know what's going on. Try not to give her too much information. She likes to talk about your business.

Hope this helps

Re moving them out of the house, I hope there’s a proper tenancy agreement in place ? If so, then it’s essential your DP goes through the whole procedure to get the property back. You want to avoid eviction / courts / bailiffs etc.. Saying the landlord wants the house back to sell is a good reason.

Thank you all for your replies and kind words. I posted half expecting to be told to woman up etc etc. Its a relief to know its not just me who has a shitty mother.

The only reason im not nc now is dp thinks (mistakenly) that she can/will change if i would just hash it out with her. His family dynamic is completely different so he will never understand.

@Xpologog

I dont even think it was done via contract etc. Casual arrangement. Seen this coming a mile off. How or why he didnt i will never know. Im for telling them myself that they need to find elsewhere. This will only end in tears otherwise. And me caught in the middle.

Ooh yy to the telling everyone your business. Zero discretion. No one on here will tell you to woman up or 'you only get one mother' bollocks. Not everyone receives the same parenting experience.

I actually thinking about starting a card business with a line for Mother's Day saying 'I bought this card because society says I should' or 'I acknowledge you are my mother' or even truthful ones 'You were a shitty Mum but thanks to your inadequecies I am far superior as a Mother so fuck you' or my personal favourite ' Happy Mother's Day you lying old bag, hope the day brings you everything you deserve'. Feel free to add your own, it is quite cathartic

Obviously my Mother this past week has taken game-playing to new heights and has resorted to actually lying about me. I have no idea why, probably because I refuse to be drawn into her world of crap. Ho Hum.

I believe even casual arrangements have a legal basis, or at least you should check on that. Telling your dad they need to move seems like a good idea, to avoid dealing with your mother, but it doesn’t mean they will !! She may dig her heels in. That’s why it’s good to know where you stand legally as a back-up. It might be worth every penny to get that legal advice. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst as the saying goes.

IMO Other people don’t always get it, as they tend to witness the more peripheral and more recent antagonisms - they haven’t had to deal with the full-on, sometimes shocking history of a mother’s verbal and emotional abused and attacks on her own daughter - speaking for myself here. They also tend to be less targeted and the rudeness less vicious and personal.

Wordlequeen, ho hum indeed.

@multicolouredcat

Funny you say that, i can remember at a young age i was a bedwetter. For quite some time.
I said to my mum that i wanted to be a ballerina when i grew up. Her response to that was that 'ballerinas dont wet their beds'. It was said in such a sneery way too.

Dp just doesnt get it. He only knows what hes seen and theres alot of stuff i havent told him that has happened/ she has said.

@Hairwizard oh yes, I was once told when I was having a tough time at school ‘I’m surprised you have any friends to fall out with, you are not a likeable person’. At the time I was feeling very low and the one person who is supposed to have your back basically sided with the bullies. Unbelievable when I look back.

@wordlequeen

Thats a terrible thing to say to your own child. Even more so knowing they are having a shit time.
That could send a person over the edge .

@Hairwizard it very nearly did. But as they say, the best revenge is a life well lived. And to be successful. My mother has had neither. On the other hand I have worked hard for both.