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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It’s real and happening…. Next steps

18 replies

Grenola · 28/03/2022 10:58

Husband just called me and said he has found a place to move to (we have recently broken up and he is at home with us still).

I’ve immediately thrown up. It feels so awful. I love him so much still. But our marriage is at a stand still. We can’t move past our issues.

He gets the keys on Friday, when should we tell the kids?

Urgh this is all so horrible.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 28/03/2022 12:22

That sounds horrible, Grenola. Presumably the atmosphere has been bad for a while? Have the kids got an idea already? How old are they?

Original poster
Grenola · 28/03/2022 12:35

They are 9,6 abs 4. Youngest is disabled so has no concept of it.

We havnt been close for a long time, but no arguing so the boys will be shocked initially I think but they pick stuff up don’t they.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 28/03/2022 14:36

Can he tell them or do you think you're better at communicating with them? Will he be nearby, looking after them too?
Mine were older when we broke up but I also told the school what was going on, so they'd get a bit of sympathy.

Original poster
Grenola · 28/03/2022 14:54

Was thinking about telling school. I will def do that.

We want to tell them together I think….

He won’t be too far away but will see then weekends most likely.

Urghhhh it makes me feel sick

OP posts:
BrokenRecords · 28/03/2022 14:57

Could you and your ex decide beforehand when your kids will be seeing him and just explain together that he's moving out but they will see him every weekend and the logistics is that or whatever you decide so they know the new routine. Don't be hard on yourself if things aren't working this may be the best way forward

Original poster
Grenola · 28/03/2022 15:14

Thanks
Yeah that true, make sure we have answers for them before we start telling them

OP posts:
ravenmum · 28/03/2022 15:39

Have any of their friends' parents broken up - have they already had some good or bad examples that you can use or need to reassure them about?
That's nice that he's not far away. Can he also do any school pickups perhaps? Take them to sports etc.?
Agree that it's good to know the plan in advance and then present it fairly firmly rather than offering too many options or asking them to make decisions.
And maybe introduce a special "cuddles night" or something where you have their favourite meal and watch their favourite TV show... or just generally tell them a few nice plans you have in store for the 3 of you so it's not all doom and gloom. Just being with one parent can be nice and cosy too, especially if things have been tense with both there.

Original poster
Grenola · 28/03/2022 15:56

Thank you yes your are right…. It can be special.

They are also presented with a variety of family set ups through school. It’s not as conventional as when we were little is it.

I’ve just booked an intensive driving course so I should be passed and on the road by august. And I get a motability car for my son. So this will bring so much freedom and exciting things for us

OP posts:
TeaKlaxon · 28/03/2022 16:02

If it's an amicable breakup, can you reassure them that you and he are still friends - could he join you for dinner one night in the week etc? Don't do it if it's too painful or tense, as your kids will pick up on that.

But if there's a way for them to (a) not go a whole week without seeing their Dad and (b) not miss out on being able to interact with both of you together as a family, then that could help.

Cluelessmouse · 28/03/2022 16:10

Why can’t you work through the problems?
Do you still love each other?
Is there any abuse?

Cluelessmouse · 28/03/2022 16:11

Sorry, I should say obviously you’re completely within your rights to end your marriage for any reason
It just sounds like you’re not happy about the decision

ravenmum · 28/03/2022 16:21

Ooh, good luck with your driving :)

Velvian · 28/03/2022 16:22

Don't agree to your H having only weekend time, op. So often mums get the cost of raising the children and 'their' time is during time that you are required to pay for childcare to be able to work.

Original poster
Grenola · 28/03/2022 16:36

We have spent the last 4 years trying to make it better, and even though we love and have chemistry still we just can’t find the right energy or communication to find a. A rural pattern. And now it’s making us miserable. Deeply u happy I think.

I don’t want this, I want the relationship to work. But ir doesn’t :-(

OP posts:
Original poster
Grenola · 28/03/2022 16:37

@Velvian good advice. Currently his hours are very unsociable so it falls on me. But when I qualify things will have to change.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 28/03/2022 16:42

It takes two to even try to make it work, doesn't it? That's not always a given. And even when both are trying, of course it isn't always successful.

SunflowerTed · 29/03/2022 10:28

You are doing the right thing. It hurts but you’re splitting for the right reasons.

Original poster
Grenola · 29/03/2022 10:58

You are right and I just need to keep my my mind focused on that and not indulge in my feelings towards him

OP posts:
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