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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why does it hurt so much?

13 replies

Struggling1702 · 28/03/2022 10:25

So anyone who has read my previous posts will not how awful my ExH has been to me the past 2 years. Quick summary, we have 2 children, DS (11) and DD (nearly 7). We separated just over 2 years ago as I discovered a 3rd affair. His excuses for his affairs were that family life got boring and he chased excitement. Whilst we were married he worked away most of the time (obvs now I know why!) so I did most of the parenting as well as trying to hold down a career.
Anyway, 2 weeks ago me and the kids (I am RP with 70% custody - he's not interested in more) left the family home as he starved us out and he and his GF of 6 months have moved in.
Now, we had an agreement between us that new partners don't get introduced for at least 6 months. Well this woman met our kids after 3 months, and the next week she had moved in with him, (to his previous rented house) and they have been playing happy families since. Well, yesterday he told the kids she was pregnant (3 months).
Apparently DD was super excited and is so happy for them to be a family and DS was at first really upset and angry but is now is also really happy (I havent' seen the kids yet).
Now I know I should be happy that my kids are happy but how is this fair? ALL I ever wanted was a traditional happy family and he couldn't hack it. He chose to work away and barely see his kids, even now he doesn't see them much and doesn't do any of the hard parenting. And yet, despite how badly he treats us, he continues to get away with it.
I feel like he did everything wrong and I try so hard to do the right thing and ALWAYS put our kids first, yet he's just got this perfect happy life now, and the one I wanted. It's hard enough to picture him in my old home, seeing my old friends, doing all the things I used to do with our kids, but to throw into the mix a baby, it's just too much for me to handle.
Please help drag me out of this ver very dark hole I have sunk into.

OP posts:
Original poster
Struggling1702 · 28/03/2022 11:05

Just bumping as I'm really struggling 🥺

OP posts:
Treetops73 · 28/03/2022 12:06

I’m sorry OP, I know it’s tough.

My exH got together with someone very quickly after I divorced him (I suspect there was an overlap) and is now married to her. His gambling addition and cheating was the cause of our break up. The thing is, he’ll never change. He has a hole in his soul, something missing in himself that led him to gamble and cheat, and he will take that into his new relationship. The same will be true of your exH. I bet he never took responsibility for his infidelity and blamed you? (This is what mine did). So your exH has never taken ownership of what he’s done nor worked on himself to be a better person. He will take his problems into the new relationship and whilst things might appear rosy now, it won’t last. You know the real him. If anything, feel sorry for his new partner. She’ll end up being treated the way you were by him.

I know it seems grossly unfair that he swans off to a happy new life and you’re left to pick up the pieces. In your case you’re a busy Mum and probably working extra hard for your kids (emotionally and financially) to try to minimise the impact of the divorce. Your children will one day understand just how much you’re doing for them, and love you all the more for it.

Focus on yourself. Enjoy your time with your children and carve out what time you can for your friends, family and hobbies. Comparison is the thief of joy and it’s not good for you to pay too much attention to your ex’s life and how it appears from the outside. Build your life to be what you want it to be, and on your terms.

Keep on being the strong, fabulous woman you are 💐

Original poster
Struggling1702 · 28/03/2022 12:17

Thank you @Treetops73, I needed to hear that. The thing is I can't make my life the one I wanted it to be, because all I ever wanted was a happy, traditional family

OP posts:
Treetops73 · 28/03/2022 12:37

You did your best to have a “traditional” family - he screwed that up, so that’s on him. He is probably incapable of being a good family man. But what is “traditional” anyway? There are so many forms a family can take. What makes a family is having love, support, kindness and trust. I bet you and your children have that in spades, and more besides. The three of you ARE a proper family.

I know it’s hard not to think about what you feel you don’t have, but try to focus on what you do have. You have your lovely kids and you no longer have to put up with a cheating husband. You’re free! Celebrate that xx

BDHS1 · 28/03/2022 13:05

This perfect happy life that you think he has, won’t last once baby is born. He clearly doesn’t like family life so that won’t change. He will revert to type very quickly and his new GF will be the one in tears because she has found out about his latest affair.

You are doing a great job and that’s all that matters. Don’t be envious of other peoples lives as they are not the truth. You know him, you know what he is like and you know that the future for the new GF will be bleak based on his track record.

zafferana · 28/03/2022 13:09

A man who marries his mistress creates a vacancy.

I know she hasn't married this woman, but he's playing happy families with her. He cheated on three times that you know of (and I wouldn't mind betting there are others that you don't). How long do you think he's going to be able to keep his dick in his trousers for with this new woman? OP, you're well out of it.

RoundGlass · 28/03/2022 13:12

He is a loser. Be proud and hold your head up high knowing that you didn't allow yourself to be treated like that forever more.

Time will heal this. I know how bloody awful it is Flowers

gindreams · 28/03/2022 13:22

I
Found this helpful

DaphneSprucesPippasClack · 28/03/2022 14:22

You get to be a happy family with you are your DC's, work on your relationship with them and take time for yourself. It's a tale as old as Time, I've lost count of the amount of friends ex's whose new partners then have a baby to compete with the existing kids. Suprise suprise it very rarely pans out well?

Original poster
Struggling1702 · 29/03/2022 11:42

@gindreams that made a lot of sense.
Thank you everyone for the comments, it helped calm me down yesterday.
The kids came home yesterday and neither want to speak about it at all. My DS was crying at bedtime and did say he doesn't want a new brother or sister and that he's going to ignore it and that it's pathetic 🥺. I was understanding and validated his feelings but tried to be positive. DD was out of sorts yesterday. I asked her if she's like to talk about it and she changed the subject. Any advice? Leave it be? Pretend it's not happening? My exH said they are both fine with it and DD especially was super excited... I'm not getting the same reaction with me and he's said that it's because of me and they don't want to upset me. Don't know what to do

OP posts:
Original poster
Struggling1702 · 29/03/2022 19:34

Just bumping for advice if anyone has been through this

OP posts:
Creamfirst22 · 29/03/2022 21:03

@Struggling1702 I am in partly the same situation. STBXW gone off with OW & looking to play happy families with her kids & our son. Not all the same but lots of similarities. Not sure if I have any advice but it helps me to think that I can control being my DC's consistency and stability, whilst DC will probably never get this from cheating ex-DW who will no doubt do it again sooner or later.

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