How to stop beating myself up

[shadows26]

When I met my boyfriend I was in a really good place mentally. Confident, thriving, really happy. He was attracted to my confidence, my independence and how happy I always was which was so lovely to hear. He made his feelings for me clear and we have been together for one lovely year.

The last few months have been tricky for me. I’ve had an awful lot happen to me and a lot to juggle at one time. As a result my mental health has spiralled. I’ve begun behaviours that I’m ashamed of, and that aren’t like me - for example I seek constant reassurance asking if he still loves me. I overanalyse everything, I constantly read old texts and compare them to to now. I compare everything - he booked me to go away for a night after a hard week at work a few months ago. Now that I’ve had a hard time and I’m about to go on annual leave, I thought of us going on holiday but then became upset that he didn’t arrange it.

I have spoken to him a lot about this and he said that, in all honesty, he has used a lot of energy making sure I’m okay. But he said it doesn’t change his feelings for me, that he knows I’ll be myself soon and that I have nothing to worry about.

I just spend so much time ruminating and comparing. I feel the damage is already done, in a way - I’m nothing like how I was when he met me at the moment and they’re the qualities he fell for most. And I worry that my anxiety has had an effect that’ll make him resent me in the long run. I just want things back to normal but now feel as if things are tainted. I struggle to forgive myself as I’ve been completely not myself recently. We’re always talking about it and I just can’t seem to let go because I can’t forgive myself.

How do I fix this? I just beat myself up for what I’ve done constantly and I’m in a bit of a cycle.

Try and start to be reassured he is still with you. So he met you when you were confident you, and instead of running a mile when you had difficulties and needed reassurance he put in the work needed, which is what you do in a caring loving relationship.

And with this in mind try to take baby steps to be the wonderful you with or without a relationship because in the end you can't make someone stay with you no matter how much you love them.

Thank you. I know he’s stayed with me bless him and he’s been so so lovely. I completely trust him but I just go into cycles of worrying things won’t be the same, he resents me, I’ve already done damage etc. Even the old messages and not booking a holiday makes me worry his spontaneous and romantic side has gone and it’s so pathetic haha

Has anyone got any tips? I am awaiting therapy but on a waiting list

Bump

Hello OP, maybe

and they’re the qualities he fell for most

is not entirely true...?

Since he is still with you and happy to wait for the clouds to pass, then I am willing to bet he "fell for" lots of qualities you're not even aware of. Core characteristics. Otherwise he wouldn't recognise you at all.

Well done for recognising your need for therapy OP. Hopefully it will come around quickly for you.

Your feelings of guilt are a direct consequence of your thoughts so you must try and notice your thought patterns and intercept or challenge them.

It’s ok to have bad thoughts but you don’t have to believe them.

It’s ok to just let a negative thought pass you by and just say “no, I’m not dealing with you right now”

You can simply start by noticing when you’re having a negative thought such as “I’m such a bad person” by stopping as saying to yourself “that is not true, I am not a bad person”

It takes practice of course and it sounds like I’m simplifying it but it does work.

You don’t have to believe everything you tell yourself.

In terms of tips whilst you wait for therapy -
Meditation, mindfulness, journaling, exercise - these are all good things for taking ourselves out of the negative thought patterns.

Podcasts have been a life saver for me, I listen to Happy Place by ferne cotton, Caffine for the Soul, Changes by Annie Mac, How to UnFuck your brain… - there are LOADS of podcasts which deal with mental health, self care, talk therapy.

I would really suggest looking a couple up, choosing one about self forgiveness, put your earphones in and get out in the daylight for a walk.

Thank you all for your advice

DP came to watch me do my sport yesterday which was lovely. But yet again after i finished we usually get a hot chocolate but I got anxious and we had yet another chat about it. I know it drains him and I was so annoyed at myself.
I asked if he wanted to come back to mine but he said he was too tired. He said in all honesty he was tired of talking about it all the time and that he just wanted some rest. I felt so so guilty and he reassured me not to worry and that things are and will be okay. He was right though, we shouldn’t be talking about my issues 24/7 and even after my training session as it’s just not normal. I’ll be honest I didn’t feel like myself last night I felt almost out of body.
I’ll add that DP was so so supportive as usual.

I just hate myself for getting things to this point. I just want to be my normal self again. I’m scared of meds incase the side effects make me push everyone away even more, and I’m still on the list for therapy

I just don’t know how to be myself again

You need to start the counselling ASAP. Can you go private? Your DP is not and can't be your therapist. Hope you will sort it out and be back on track soon OP

Thank you so much @Rainbowpurple. I actually organised a private session for tomorrow but realistically I can only afford maybe fortnightly. I struggle with the time in between

Have you considered that he might not be right for you? It sounds like you don't feel secure with him, he doesn't necessarily make you feel good, and that you are in a worse place than when you met him.

I understand where you’re coming from @helenandhenry. To be honest though I’m so stressed at work and hate my job (notice is in!) and when I’ve been over-stressed in the past I’ve reacted in similar ways to friends etc. I know I’m not feeling myself at the minute and I don’t deal with stress well, I think I’m finally ready to take action now that it’s affecting my relationship too. I never had any issue before the work burnout hit x

The therapist will let you know coping techniques in between sessions so it will be great to start no matter how sparse the session is going to be. I think you need to get out of that mental circle where you get stressed and feeling pressured about ruining the relationship then this brings you down to ruin the relationship by worrying too much.

I think you’re doing really well to understand that your anxieties and ruminations are damaging to you. Recognising that is a hugely important step. Also you are seeking support, and that’s great too.

Maybe accept that a private session every 2 weeks will help, will give you the tools you need to make the changes you seek. Yes it may take longer than weekly session but if you want change, it can happen. I know you want tips: try distraction. I think there are tool kits on for example the Childline site, or young minds. You don’t have to be young to access them and you might find them helpful. Good luck

I think, in the nicest possible way, it might be helpful to recognise that there's nothing special about you; you're not outstandingly depressed, or a record-breakingly bad partner, or the world's most miserable human.

Sometimes people have low spells; all people. It's fully and completely ordinary. And sometimes people have spells of beating themselves up for it, too. It's ok. It's all textbook 'I'm a human being' stuff.

If you feel like you talk about nothing else, maybe try to find an activity or game that you'll have to concentrate on together? You can't go on and on talking about how tainted everything is if you're go-karting or cantering on horses or doing a painting course. For example.

Thank you so much all. I have my first therapy session tonight