How Can I leave? Feeling so trapped

[Thewidthofacircle]

I am coming to the increasing realisation that I need to leave my 20 year old relationship/10 year marriage. I am not sure if my husband is abusive or not but it is certainly toxic, over the years he has thrown things, punched a hole in the wall and sworn at me all the the presence of our two children. He has told me that becuase he earns 6 figures he does not need to do anything at home. He is however generous financially and our finances are pooled and he is happy for me to spend what I need to on household help.

The main problem to leaving is that he refuses to move out and I have no where to go. Women's Aid is not an option as we have a severely autistic child with another genetic condition that causes anxiety and who gets very distressed in new environments. We also have a toddler and my oldest autistic child is scared of the toddler's unpredictability and can't be in the same space as him. We only manage both their needs now due to a massive house with lots of space.

My only family is my elderly parents who have seen us twice in the past 3 years and are not really interested in providing any support.

Any ideas. I only work very limited hours due to managing 100% of the children's needs and can't financially support us. My husband is a high earner.

Any ideas of what I could do? I am worried that staying longer will damage the children. I am also worried that if I go down the divorce route whilst staying in the same home my husband's behaviour will get worse.

Abusive men always but always refuse to move out; its another way for them to exert power and control against their chosen target. What you describe in your first paragraph re him are all examples of domestic violence within the home. Abuse is no respector or class or creed and this can happen to anyone.

Womens Aid are well worth contacting here all the same as they can advise you about this issue. They are not necessarily going to swoop in and cart you all off to a refuge, that is not how they operate. Another organisation that is worth contacting is the Rights of Women as they can give you some legal advice.

I would also urge you to contact some local Solicitors re this matter when you can and from that commence divorce proceedings. You are married to this man and have rights in law; exercise those fully. He is not above the law here and it may well be you can remain in this house with your children. Again legal advice on all aspects has to be sought by you. Demonstrate to your children that asking for help is a good thing. Children will feel more secure and will be safer living with one parent in a stable environment than with two parents when the environment is unstable and abusive.

Thanks Attila. I will try contacting the Rights of Women and Women's Aid to at least see what my options are. I think we are probably stuck though as our disabled son needs 1 to 1 support when out, so with a toddler at home too it will be impossible to leave the house as a lone parent. At least now I can get out with one child at a time.

How are you managing now when your H is at work?
Does your older child attend school?

If he is a high earner, and you divorce, he will have to pay maintenance. Out of that you should be able to employ a nanny/ carer to help you. There are more options than you think.

Please do as the PP suggests and get legal advice. The other way to look at this is, do you want yourself and your children to suffer this man's behaviour for another 16 years when your toddler will be an adult? What kind of future is that for any of you?

My concern is that he keeps talking about taking early retirement. If we divorced couldn't he just quit his job and refuse to pay anything or just pay the minimum?

I am concerned I would feel just as trapped alone with my autistic son as I do now.

You need to get proper legal advice.

It sounds as if your H is making threats ( talking about early retirement) to keep you in your place. He knows he's got your trapped and that itself is a type of bullying.

If you get legal advice, I suspect they will tell you to keep a record of his behaviour to be evidence of abuse (emotional and physical.) This can be used as a record of unreasonable behaviour. I also expect (but aren't legally qualified of course) that any judge / court would give you and your children a very good settlement and might include staying in the family home.

It's no good imagining the worst scenario about 'I can never leave' without actually asking for legal advice.