Baby dad issues

[Anonymous567]

Me and the dad of my LO broke up a while ago; I went down to visit with the LO and the dad just didn’t really bother; he didn’t help out at all unless his mum had told him too, he could FaceTime us or come down for the weekend but instead goes out drinking. Last week I tried to be civil but for some reason his friends had put thoughts in his head again that I cheated while we were together and I went out with friends and he told me to not show him up. I’ve had to cut off communications as I mentally can’t deal with the blame and guilt trips and I don’t know what to do for the future as he’s hardly making efforts with his son but claims he loves his son and wants 50:50 custody but shows no support of that statement. I want my boy to be happy and idk if that means with his dad being involved still but with alot of issues or cutting off ties with the dad and remaining in contact with the nana; I mentally can’t cope with the blaming all the time and making me feel mentally rubbish because he wants to act like his friends

As long as he is not harmful to you or your child, you shouldn't stand in the way of their relationship but it is not up to you to chase after him.

I hope you haven't put him on the birth certificate.

I have as we were together at the time :( , just upsets me that he puts no effort in with his son

Really hard but start to separate the two things - him as a dad and as an ex. The more you can remove yourself from any emotional relationship and any effect he has on your feelings the better, he’s just the father of your child.

Step back from facilitating his relationship with your LO and let him do the work that’s needed to be a father. Don’t contact him unless he contacts you, don’t travel to him. He’ll need to step up considerably if he wants 50:50 custody.

Just concentrate on you and your baby. If he wants to be a part of the babies life then good, but you don't need to put up with his crap to facilitate that.

Let him make the effort, it's less stressful that way and set clear boundaries too. While the kid is tiny it only really affects you, they won't remember any specifics of these times, just if they felt loved and secure. When they get older they will pick up on if you are driving the contact with their dad - mine did and it poisoned the relationship. They now only really see him at birthdays and Christmas and text him if they want money 😆

I wouldn’t chase him to have contact.

I wouldn't chase him, let him make the effort, show he wants to be part of his child's life.
18 years ago ex dh left me and our newborn dc, for the first year I took dc to him, but ex didn't show any interest (even when dc was in hospital). At around a year old I asked ex to make an effort or consider not being in dcs life because being in and out of his life was going to start to become distressing for dc. Ex just never turned up again (even crossing the street to avoid dc). Aged 13 dc contacted ex with my support, met up with him three times and ex still wasn't bothered. It actually helped dc have closure and has never looked back. Dc is now a happy young adult and doesn't want any contact with ex. I always hoped that ex would shape up but he didn't (even gave up his job so he didn't have to pay cm). It took me along time to come to terms with ex not wanting contact but at the end of the day a non present dad is better than one that messes with your head and isn't consistent (I've met many adults who've needed counselling because of this).
If your ex makes the effort to see dc when you step back you can work towards a good cooparenting relationship which is a positive relationship for your dc. If ex doesn't make the effort you need to consentrate on your dc, not trying to force a relationship that one person does not want to be part of because that will not end well for all concerned.

Agree with pps, don't chase him, but also at this stage I wouldn't stand in the way of their relationship.
If he demands to see dc at short notice and it isn't convenient for you then refuse and tell him to give you more notice.
If he wants to be in his dc life then he will be, and if he doesn't then nothing you say or do will change that.

I would stop chasing him and cooperate if he suggests mediation or court. The more you chase him, the more determined he may become to piss you off rather than to consider his son's feelings.

Thank you so much everyone! My exs mums said the same thing in that they will come get LO once a month for a long weekend; just upsets me as my LO is such a happy boy and his dad can’t even FaceTime him or come down for a long weekend yet on that weekend goes to the clubs; I have had to cut all communications atm with the dad as my anxiety’s severely bad with him; I went out with my friends the previous weekend and he told me to not “show him up” and had his friend keep tabs on what I was doing so I need to focus on me and not have him bring me down as that’ll stress LO out