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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Content Warning: Normal late teen experiences?

40 replies

FairyLightPups · 27/03/2022 16:45

I've been thinking about this more and more as I get older and I'm trying to figure out if these are things I need to address in therapy or if it's just part and parcel of being an older teenager.

From age 18-20 I was in a group of friends. I was the youngest by at least 7 years with everyone 25+. I lived with a few of them too. They would spend their lives drinking, smoking, having parties and talking about their mental health, and not doing very much. They mostly all identified as transgender (for much of this I thought I was a transgender man, I'm not now) and were very angry about the world. None of them had any goals and vilified anyone who did.

A woman in her forties was particularly mentally ill and relied on this group of friends heavily, me more than anyone else. She had two children who were in late primary school. She often left them without me with no warning and expected me to look after them.

Just before my 19th birthday, a 27 year old trans woman got me pregnant. I miscarried and then moved in with her and she treated me awfully for a good few months including physical and emotional abuse. It was a really difficult time.

After I managed to leave her was when I moved in with other people from the same group of friends. They were all age 30+ and expected me to sleep in a cupboard and pay full rent. I did so because I felt grateful for them taking me in.

When I was 19, I decided to go to college and start making something of myself. I started a college placement and due to my work ethic ended up getting hired as a paid staff member by the organisation very quickly after beginning my (unpaid) placement. None of them were happy about this and I started losing friends around this time.

A few months later, just after turning 20, I decided to leave the flat. The entire group turned against me for abandoning them to go to get an education and a job. The mother of the children made up rumours that I abused them. The people I lived with pretended I left the house a tip when I moved out. None of this was true.

I'm now only in contact with two people from that time period, who were both not really in the main group, just occasionally hung out with them. I'm obviously much happier, settled, have a degree, a career, a lovely partner (I identify as a lesbian these days). I have a bright future. But I often have flashbacks to that time and I just don't know if I'm overreacting or not.

Is this worth exploring more in therapy or similar?

OP posts:

FionnulaTheCooler · 27/03/2022 16:50

None of that sounds normal, it sounds like you were groomed for a life of abuse and they didn't like it when you started standing up for yourself. Therapy sounds like a good idea, to help you process the trauma of your physically and emotionally abusive relationship. I'm glad you have turned your life around and are doing well now but the flashbacks would suggest to me that you have some issues still to deal with and a good therapist should be able to help you work through it.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 27/03/2022 16:52

You fell in with a bad crowd, were influenced by them (and abused and exploited) but broke away and it sounds like you are doing well now.

Don't feel any guilt or shame. You were young. We all do really stupid things when we are young. Look forward, not back.

Feelingoktoday · 27/03/2022 16:56

What do you mean that you identify as a lesbian?

I’m not really understanding this.

Original poster

FairyLightPups · 27/03/2022 16:57

Thank you @FionnulaTheCooler @UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea. I can see how therapy could be a good shout - suppose I just wanted to make sure I wasn't overreacting.

OP posts:

Original poster

FairyLightPups · 27/03/2022 16:58

@Feelingoktoday

What do you mean that you identify as a lesbian?

I’m not really understanding this.

I don't know what's hard to understand about this?

Do you not know what a lesbian is? A woman who loves women?

OP posts:

Echobelly · 27/03/2022 16:59

It was definitely an unhealthy and exploitative situation. It's up to you whether you feel you need therapy to process, or if you think you can just work it through with your own support network- if you're doing well for yourself, and it sounds like it the latter may be enough. I'm sorry you had such a rough experience when you were so young.

Feelingoktoday · 27/03/2022 17:01

You don’t identify as a lesbian. You are a lesbian because you fancy other women. I just don’t get the “identify”.

Original poster

FairyLightPups · 27/03/2022 17:03

@Feelingoktoday

You don’t identify as a lesbian. You are a lesbian because you fancy other women. I just don’t get the “identify”.

What a bloody weird thing to nitpick at on a thread that I've spent a long time building up the courage to post. Piss off.

OP posts:

Original poster

FairyLightPups · 27/03/2022 17:04

@Echobelly

Yeah that's a good point, thanks. I don't think about it all the time but it does pop into my head when I don't expect it - tbh the bit about the kids I looked after is probably the thing that upsets me the most these days. So maybe there's only that to work through, I don't know.

OP posts:

Georgeskitchen · 27/03/2022 17:25

@Feelingoktoday

What do you mean that you identify as a lesbian?

I’m not really understanding this.

It means op is attracted to women unless the definition of a lesbian has changed in the past 5 minutes?

FleurDeLizz · 27/03/2022 17:30

@Feelingoktoday

You don’t identify as a lesbian. You are a lesbian because you fancy other women. I just don’t get the “identify”.

What a nasty small minded person you must be to post that on this thread.

TheNameOfTheRoses · 27/03/2022 17:36

Seeing that this is something you feel unsettled enough to post in here, I’d say it’s worth going to see a therapist.

These people were abusive. And even though you managed to break free (which is a HUGE achievement in itself!!) you might want to revisit that. Get some closure around it. And maybe also identify some patterns that might still be hanging around for you.

ClariceQuiff · 27/03/2022 18:15

I think you've suffered an immense amount of abuse, and you've done amazingly well to succeed in life - degree, job, happy relationship - despite everything that's happened to you.

If your flashbacks are troubling you I would definitely explore the idea of therapy.

Original poster

FairyLightPups · 27/03/2022 18:58

I think what's knocking me out a bit is that the things that I'm having flashbacks over isn't the abuse from my ex or the miscarriage. It's how my 'friends' treated me - does that even count as something to be so upset over, so many years on?

OP posts:

ParanoidGynodroid · 27/03/2022 19:01

Well done, OP, for having the strength and courage to escape these awful people; to improve yourself and find success and love. I hope you’ve also found the self respect you deserve.

Yes, sometimes the past hangs on to us and pops up to spoil things. I think you may benefit from some talking therapy to help you let it go if it is spoiling your happiness.

And no, I don’t think those were normal late teenage experiences.

ClariceQuiff · 27/03/2022 19:05

@FairyLightPups

Firstly, yes, it counts.

Secondly, your brain can't always separate the various events that were happening during a period of trauma. The bad treatment you received from your 'friends' was all part of that horrible time which you are still struggling to process. The part which is flashing back isn't necessarily the most traumatic - it is representative of what you were going through at the time.

FrangipanFlower · 27/03/2022 19:06

It’s your lived experience and these are your feelings, so they’re valid and count. In my experience whilst therapy is great and has ultimately helped me, I’ve had to relive trauma as part of the process which can be quite traumatic. If you think you’d be ok with this then go for it. There’s no barometer for what counts and what doesn’t when it comes to traumatic experiences. Yours sounds awful and I’m so sorry these people pretended to be your friends and abused you in this way.

PollyPutTheKettleOnKettleOn · 27/03/2022 19:07

Yes it's absolutely valid to feel upset about it years on, op.

I'm so sorry for what you went through, it sounds like a very destructive and traumatic time but you demonstrated enormous strength to get out of it and build yourself a wonderful life.

I think counselling would be really useful for you, it sounds like you still have a lot to unpick and process.

Most people recognise that the break up of a friendship can be much more painful than the break up of a romantic relationship- you're coming to terms with a lot more than that.

You are absolutely not overreacting and any and all feelings you have about your past are completely valid.

73kittycat73 · 27/03/2022 19:18

@FairyLightPups

I still have bad dreams about a friend situation that happened at the millennium. I didn't get 'closure,' maybe you haven't either? I think if it's bothering you, and you can talk to someone about it, counselling is a good idea. I wish you luck.

PonyPatter44 · 27/03/2022 19:39

It actually sounds like a lot to unpick, and therapy might well help. I'm so glad for you that you managed to get out the other side and that you are happy now, and doing well.

monotype · 27/03/2022 20:07

No advice but I think you've done so very well to be rid of them and build your life after that

AnnesBrokenSlate · 27/03/2022 23:09

You were accused of abusing children. Were you investigated concerning those allegations or were they just rumours in the group?

Nothing you have listed is a 'normal late teen experience'. It's chaotic and abusive.

Counselling would be a good idea. It doesn't sound like you have fully processed any of those experiences, and they will keep resurfacing until you do.

Ikeameatballs · 27/03/2022 23:12

This sounds chaotic and abusive. I note no mention of your family in your post, I wonder if they too were abusive or otherwise dysfunctional?

Jk24 · 27/03/2022 23:16

Op if you don't feel you need therapy but feel you need closure why not get in touch with the woman with the kids? Ask her why she said these things?

Makeitsoso · 27/03/2022 23:18

People get therapy for all kinds of reasons. You don’t have to reach some sort of threshold. So whatever your past if it’s having any impact on you it’s well worth therapy.

Having said that, your experiences are far from run of the mill. I’m so sorry you experienced such abuse.

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