Is my marriage over?

[incrediblecayote]

I have been with my husband 11years, married for 9, 3 children, forever home and comfortable living. It hasn't always been easy and in the earlier days pretty much lives on the bread line. My husband has a gambling addiction and although he stopped 5 year ago he recently fell off the wagon again. I come to me for help and I helped. He likes a drink, not an alcoholic but doesn't know when to stop and has been known to tell the odd lie or two about where he is. Not because he is cheating but because I don't like him going OTT with the drinking. Now I know this isn't the most ideal relationship in the world but dear god I love the bones of him and I know he loves me just as much. However the last couple of months have been hard, our bond is strained and I feel down. So much that I don't really sleep and am too tired to eat.
Am I being too controlling? Or am I being a push over? This last week I have sat and cried because I just don't know if I have the energy to save it. Has anyone tried the couples counselling or am I pinning my hopes too high?

I think I just need to be honest with myself.

He is an addictive personality. it could be alcohol. it could be gambling it could be drugs. whatever, he is an addict. unless he turns himself around and stops then he will 100% drag you and your family down the pan with him. every penny he has. every penny you and the children have because unless and until he decides to stop he cant. You dont need couples counselling. he needs help with his addictions. the ball is in his court.

Yes, he needs help for the drinking and gambling - you are totally within your rights and not 'controlling' to demand he gets help and stays on the wagon or he cannot expect your relationship to survive. This is for his own sake, not just yours and the kids'.

It does sound like every so often he has a big problem that is detrimental to the whole family, yet you are the one to sort it, not him.
That must be really exhausting, and the wait for the next time he fucks up must be so stressful. No wonder you don’t have it in you to sort it out again. This time he needs to step up and sort himself out, you can’t fix his addiction problem, and why should you it’s all him. Is he able to leave the family home for a bit to give you a break from it all?

No there is no where else for him to go.

You're being a push over. You can't have, or save, a relationship all by yourself. It takes two and he's not investing the same amount of energy into it as you are.

Of course he loves you, you're a push over and tolerate his crap, so his life is easy and he gets to do what he wants whilst knowing he has the safety net of you supporting him if he messes up. He doesn't respect you though, or not enough anyway. His behaviour is affecting your health and he's still doing it. That's not the actions of a loving partner.

Relationship counselling would be a waste of time I think. You're hoping it'll change him? It won't. The only person who can change him, is him. He's happy with his excessive drinking, happy to lie to you about it, happy to put his addictions of gambling and alcohol above your health and well-being.

I'd cut this one loose and focus on healing yourself. Get counselling for yourself to raise your standards before you date again. No amount of you loving him is going to make this relationship work for you, you're better off loving him from afar because he's no good for you. In time you'll realise you deserve better, you'll see his shady behaviour for what it is and your love for him will fade as a result. It will hurt to start with, but you'll move on and have a better life without him dragging you down with him.

Yes. Get counselling for yourself.

You cannot save him, he has to do that for himself. He may not want to.

But you owe it to yourself and your kids to steer you and them into a better future.

No there is no where else for him to go.

Not your problem. Your problem is that he is fucking up the life and future you and your children could have.

Anyway, has he not heard of AirBNB?

@incrediblecayote

No there is no where else for him to go.

Yes there is. The UK and other countries are full of rental properties.

Why are his needs apparently more important than your own?. I would look up codependency and see how much of this relates to your own behaviour within this relationship.

You cannot rescue and or save him here so do not further bother with trying. His addictive personality is not yours to own for him or fix and joint counselling will be a waste of effort. You cannot act as a rescuer and or saviour in a relationship; trying to further be either does not work as you have already seen.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from you both?. Is this really the model of a relationship you want to be showing them?.

Where he goes is not your problem nor responsibility but I daresay you are feeling and have always felt very responsible for him.

I went to speak with my dad today and he said whatever I do he will support me. It gave me a strength to go to the doctors and get help for myself. My dh has since screamed, cried and pleaded with me down the phone but I am so tired I don't have the attention span to listen. I did however tell him that i need help and that is down to the pressures he put me under. My dad has offered to speak to him but I don't think it'll be the short sharp shock he needs. Thank you for your opinions x