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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I'm tired of him

8 replies

smithsroses · 27/03/2022 15:16

Long story he short: I do everything and he also treats me like crap but I wouldn't know how to leave him if I wanted to.
You don't have to read the rest but it's almost therapeutic to type out:) I would like a bit of advice on what to do in this situation though:(

It's the all too familiar story of the man not doing his share and the woman getting burnt out from it all. It's so cliché but I really thought it wouldn't happen to me and that we were fine but I ignored all the red flags and now I have a nearly 7month old daughter and I'm exhausted and depressed.

He takes no initiative and when I tell him what to do he still doesn't do it - and makes me feel like the bad guy for bossing him about. He talks to me like utter crap, zones out of conversations and just scrolls through his phone while I'm talking, he hates being told what to do but if he eventually does something I don't get 5 seconds of peace because he'll come up to me with all sorts of questions... "What food do I give her?" "What do I use to clean the bath?" "I've hung the washing but you fold the clothes neater so I've left them for you."
He literally moans and sighs if I ask him to grab me a glass of water or give me a backrub. Half the time he doesn't get me the water and if I do get a backrub it's a little rub and pat for 10 seconds with one hand while he scrolls through BBC sport with the other.

He also expects intimacy and gets so frustrated with me but I'm exhausted, constantly needing that shower that I never get round to having and funnily enough since he's acting like a child I don't find him attractive.

He deliberately takes ages to get out of bed to soothe the baby when she wakes a million times at night so that I end up doing it. He'll call me every name under the sun if I try to get him to go see to her.

I come from a broken home with abusive parents and I feel so guilty because of my daughter but I think I want out. But even the thought of the financial aspects of separating gives me huge anxiety and despite my partner saying "if you're so upset, just leave then" he gets all stroppy and refuses to talk when I mention us splitting.

What on earth do I do, I feel too tired to come up with a plan but I also can't live like this.

OP posts:
Mamas123 · 27/03/2022 15:19

I'm in a similar situation as yourself so you're not alone xx

HellToTheNope · 27/03/2022 15:20

You get out, and quickly as possible, and make damn sure you don't get pregnant again. Don't let him touch you.

IsThePopeCatholic · 27/03/2022 15:23

He doesn’t love or respect you, and is exploiting your vulnerability. Make plans to leave. You really don’t need him in your life.

PussInBin20 · 27/03/2022 15:23

It doesn’t sound like it will get any better so you either accept him as he is or find the willpower to leave.

You can only change you, no-one else. I know which way I would go and so do you. Better to do it sooner rather than later.

Brett239 · 27/03/2022 15:24

He doesn't love you - leave him. Stop making excuses.

Clymene · 27/03/2022 15:27

What do you need to do to leave?

PonyPatter44 · 27/03/2022 15:31

OK, starting point: you know you want to split up. What will you need? Somewhere to live, money to live on.

What is your housing situation? Do you rent or own? Is the house in both your names?

Money - were you working before you had your baby? Are you on mat leave? Go on one of the benefits calculator sites (turn2us is supposed to be good), and find out what you could get in terms of benefits in the short term.

Does your partner work? Do you know how much he earns? He will need to pay maintenance, so go through the CMS calculator and see what he should pay. Assume no overnights at this point - he doesn't do them now!

Thats the start of a plan. By next Mother's Day you and DD could be sitting happily in your own place, without a horrible man making your life harder.

smithsroses · 27/03/2022 15:44

Thank you guys, I guess I knew I have to get out - it's just so heartbreaking because I really loved him.
We rent so I guess I'm luckier than if we owned!
I was planning on leaving my low-paying job and doing a degree from home when I finish maternity leave but I guess that's out the window. I'll probably be stuck with the crappy wages and not get to be with my baby much:(

Thank you @PonyPatter44 I will look at those calculator sites!❤️

Sending you hugs @Mamas123 x

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