Feeling shame now family &friends know of abusive relationship

[horsesandterriers]

I'm feeling really ashamed now my family and friends know I was in an abusive relationship.

I really feel they all judge me so much- saying'how could you put up with that?' 'How can you let him away with that?'

I feel ashamed because I've tried so hard for so many years to fit in with my friends and talk about the things they care about- like new kitchens, minor issues with their children etc. That I feel they must think I'm an idiot- but what's the alternative- to never have any friends ever because I've been abused?

It's all come out because even though I tried to leave a long time ago he is still doing everything he can to stop me moving on with my life. So my parents are now helping with my court cases- so they're seeing every detail. And I'm trying to be more honest with friends and admit what's going on in my life- but they're horrified- and the main thing they don't get is why I let him away with it - and I feel they must despise me for that.

It really is so humiliating for everyone to know.

Oh Lovey the shame is all his, you have nothing to be ashamed about.

It’s easy for people to say ‘how could you…’ but it’s because they have no idea what it’s like to live with an abusive person. I think it’s easy enough for them to say they would have kicked him out or whatever -how many times do you see people on here posting LTB?- but it is easier said than done. I don’t think they are judging you the way you think, just that it’s hard for them to comprehend how you can live through that and they struggle to question in the right way. They don’t, if they are true friends, despise you for it, they are upset for you and just struggling to process it.

You have been through, and are still going through, so much. Just tell them that they are making you feel judge by their comments and ask them not to comment at all if they can’t think of anything supportive to say. I hope the legal stuff is over with soon so you can get on with the rest of your life but, you can hold your head up high, no shame on you at all

Please don't add this to your shoulders.

Sometimes people express horror in that way. I would have said that before joining Mumsnet and reading about it.

Look at what you are doing, at the courage you have, the strength.

Tell them that you will explain someday but for now you need sweetness.

Goodluck OP, you are marvellous. It will take time for you to heal but you will.

Thank you @CanIPleaseHaveOne and @Anotherhealthcondition those comments help a lot x

OP your true friends will be supportive right now and not judging. Ignore the rest who are not, concetrate on your own wellbeing right now

People who are saying the wrong thing will be in two camps-
they may not understand how distressing their comments are, and if you told them they would try and do better. If you say 'it's grooming, people like him are very clever at it, it's not because I'm stupid/naive/whatever they've said', that may help them realise.

If they don't understand when you've told them and they carry on criticising you, then they aren't worth knowing.

Bear in mind that you may be hearing criticism that isn't there, because of how your ex's abuse has impacted you.
People may be shocked that it could happen to someone they know. When a friend disclosed similar to me, I said I was shocked and saddened, and that clearly if it could happen to her it can happen to absolutely anyone.

Tell them to Google the words 'why didn't you just leave' and there'll be plenty for them to educate themselves with. Please don't feel shame.

Have you done the freedom program or any other domestic violence support groups? As much as therapy was invaluable to me and reading the literature, and I absolutely recommend doing both, for me the best thing was sitting in a room of other women like me, from all different walks of life, with all different jobs, lives and social standings and hearing them tell my story. Not the same details, but the same feelings and experiences. It has this incredible power of making you not feel alone anymore. And for me it was like all the Shame fell away. People could tell me it wasn't my fault, but until I met those women and heard them and realised it wasn't their fault, I couldn't feel it properly. I felt it deeply to my bones that they were not to blame and nor was I and it liberated me from that cage of shame to start to heal instead of punishing myself again and again for his abuse. Please if you have that opportunity, take it with both hands

Thanks @Relentlessrose yes I did the freedom programme when I first left and it was so helpful to me. I actually looked for it again recently and I think it's stopped running where I am.

I am thinking that therapy would be helpful as I've never had it properly, although I did two appointments in the past with two different therapists and thought they were completely rubbish- and cost £50 per session.

I don't have the time to hunt around to find a good therapist, but I think it would help me. I definitely feel like I need something as I keep on thinking I'm going crazy. Or going to have a massive breakdown.