Platonic Relationship with Anxious Boyfriend - I feel stuck.

[Pinkbr94]

Hi all - new poster here. Hopefully I’m in the right place! I’m looking for advice/similar experiences as I don’t have many people I feel I can confide in sadly.

I’m in a relationship of nearly two years. My OH and I got together during the height of the pandemic. When life was locked down in the UK (March 2020), we only went on one date before the world shut down and then found ourselves in a whirlwind romance. We were lonely so (stupidly) moved in together during the pandemic without having many dates. At the beginning, it was very intimate and we made the most of the situation.

Now we’re two years in and of course, lockdown restrictions have lifted. As more time passes, I’m developing more and more reservations and unhappiness about the relationship we share. I can probably count on one hand how many dates we’ve been on since our first (before the pandemic began!).
I’d describe the relationship as platonic, as opposed to passionate. For example, we only have sex roughly ONCE every three months now, as opposed to the beginning, it was about three times daily. He cares for me and we have similar interests, but it’s really lacking the intimacy and I deep down I feel slightly envious when I see coupled up friends on social media, sharing experiences together.

I’ve talked to him about how I feel many of times - for the past year, it’s felt platonic and “stale”, but he always explains it’s down to his anxiety. He constantly says he’s unwell with anxiety - chest pains, headaches, panic attacks despite medication, so claims that’s the reason why doesn’t feel comfortable going out on dates. He uses the same reason, “I feel unwell,” to get out of sex whenever I try and make something happen. At times, he calls me selfish when I’m upset and sharing how I feel, but I don’t want to hide my feelings I don’t know how else I can try and support him or our relationship.

Please give advice on what you think I should do. Thanks xx

Do not continue with this under any circumstances. You and he are clearly not compatible and moved in with each other far too quickly. There is no relationship to support here, stop flogging this dead horse.

Accept that you're incompatible and move on. Lots of people fast-forwarded relationships during the pandemic, but now that you've a better perspective you must use the information you now have. This is how things are going to be. He won't magically change. If you aren't happy now, move on.

Who moved in with whom here?. What is the situation re this property, if it’s rented are you both named on a tenancy document.

After the two of you have separated I would urge you to enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme along with reading Women who love too much by Robin Norwood. Men like this further trash boundaries and yours seemed already very weak to begin with.

Hi - thanks for your reply. I feel like it’s ran it’s course and I don’t want to waste any more of my life in any dead-end relationship.

My name is on the tenancy; he’s a permitted occupier.

Okay so you need to decide whether you want to continue living there or not. Either you or he need to move out, or maybe both of you. Tell him that the relationship is over (don't try to cajole him into agreeing). Decide who moves out, do it.

Anxiety? Anxiety about what?

He’s manipulating and controlling you.

You don’t get to live the life you want and are expected to put up and shut up otherwise he whisks out the anxiety / unwell card - no different from someone using anger / shouting because the impact is the same - your needs, wants, hopes, desires are all crushed.

Pay attention to your own feelings, respect them and take responsibility and be accountable for taking action.

He will not change - so you need to move on.

Make that decision quietly in your head and then make all of your practical plans before you tell him so that he doesn’t have the opportunity to drain you, manipulate you and change your mind.

Once you do let him know expect the anxiety to ramp up. Expect him to threaten suicide etc. If he does just sign post him to a MH provider - if you are concerned call the police for a welfare check - if he’s in trouble they will get the right agencies on board if he’s bluffing he won’t do that twice.

This “situationship” sounds suffocating and draining - you deserve better. Take the first step.

You tell him it's over and ask him to move out. This is no way to live. It sounds absolutely miserable.

Obviously it is sad for your DP that he is suffering Pink but it is up to him to get the appropriate input into his mental health conditions. This relationship is too new for it to have come with this level of dependency. He needs to put sorting himself out to the top of his priorities and then he can look at having a relationship. I’d ask him to leave in your situation.

Funny, I just KNEW he moved in with you. Does his anxiety also mean he's not working? Is he contributing fairly to the bills? I bet not.

This relationship has run its course. He moved in too soon as a result of the pandemic and in reality, if you'd dated for a while it probably would have ended. End it now - you don't have to be with someone who makes you unhappy. You have no children, no joint responsibilities so there is no reason whatsoever for you to feel you have to work at it.

I also wondered if he is working and also if he is contributing equally to the running of your household with cooking, cleaning etc?