He's suddenly too busy to see me

[Fuzzyhippo]

So I've been in a relationship for 7 years, we don't live together but I'd come to him at the weekends. This weekend we had planned to go to the beach today because it's mother's day which is a really difficult day for me for personal reasons. I had a late term termination of a very much wanted pregnancy 2 years ago that was forced by a family member and my Facebook feed has been full of pregnancy and birth announcements this week. But for the last 4-5 days I've been unable to get hold of him, he says his phone died when it seems so consistent that I don't know what to believe. It's like he's avoiding me as he keeps making these excuses saying he's too busy and that I can't see him this week and will probably be too busy next week as well. I'm currently going through a mental breakdown and needing as much support as possible but he's just never there. I don't know what to do, I told him you make time for people that matter to you and his reply was "there you go then". And keeps accusing me of going off with other men when I haven't left my house in over a week because I'm too ill to. I keep telling myself I'll leave but I can't stay away, I've got no friends and don't get on with my family so I'm on my own day in day out. My mum tells me to leave him alone he probably just needs space and thinks I'm pestering him. I can't figure out why he suddenly wants to avoid me, I've given him space I just wish he'd let me call him. Every time I call he has a go at me, calls me names and tells me to go away. Deep down I feel he's probably moved on, he has history of kissing other girls in the past a few years ago but it was his friends word and there was nothing to prove it. He also blocked me on Instagram a few years ago which never bothered me but I followed him on another account just to see if he's hiding anything which he doesn't seem to be. He does like photos of a certain girl but it probably means nothing. How can I just stay away and leave him be when my heart feels like it's getting ripped out over and over again?

Every time I call he has a go at me, calls me names and tells me to go away.

And you want to be with him, why?

No wonder you feel so rubbish if this is how he treats you. It's better to be on your own then with someone who is nasty.

I am so very sorry that you had to end your pregnancy and how tough today must be for you. Its time to start valuing yourself a bit more and expecting better than what this piece of work gives you.

Are you feeling in crisis today? Can you reach out to an emergency mental health team or the Samaritans?

He's told you he doesn't care anymore, so your only choice is to leave it be. He's clearly ended things but you are not taking it in.
I hope you are getting support and counselling for your MH issues. You sound very vulnerable and you don't seem to have control over your life. How old are you? The circumstances of your termination seem unusual. Take care.

Gosh op this is not on, you have not been treated very well at all. Please move on from him. Your life will start to improve I guarantee!!!

@Opentooffers

He's told you he doesn't care anymore, so your only choice is to leave it be. He's clearly ended things but you are not taking it in. I hope you are getting support and counselling for your MH issues. You sound very vulnerable and you don't seem to have control over your life. How old are you? The circumstances of your termination seem unusual. Take care.

But that's the thing, he says we're still together. I ask if it's over between us and he says "you decide, I'm happy how it is". So I'm getting mixed signals and it's confusing me. I'm 25 he's 33. The termination situation happened due to living at home, I got threatened to get kicked out and lose everything if I didn't go ahead with it as I don't work due to my illnesses. I've never had any support or counselling for it, I've always believed that the only person that can help you is yourself. But it's all getting too much now

He's not interested in you. Pay attention to his actions not his words

Op your home life sounds a bit worrying. Can you get help to move out? Some charities for conditions can help with this.

He wants to manipulate you into ending it, so he doesn't come across as the bastard. But he IS the bastard, beyond doubt.

Deep breath, make that clean break. Far better than letting yourself be dangled on a string, destroying your self esteem in the process.

@Bodgerbarbara

Op your home life sounds a bit worrying. Can you get help to move out? Some charities for conditions can help with this.

I've looked into it but there's no help around where I live as there's a shortage of housing. I also run a non funded animal sanctuary so I need to be here most of the time which would make it difficult if I moved. I've since moved back to my grandparents so it's not as bad now as when I was living at the last place

I think you do need counselling op, it sounds like you have a lot to deal with health wise, have you even been supported with this or just bullied into awful choices? I’d hug you if I could, I know how it is to have illnesses at an early age with no support. Life just feels a million times harder. The first thing to do is forget this man, it will hurt if he has been in your life for 7 years but he’s not good for you, he sounds like a selfish bastard putting it mildly. Cut the string to him. Focus on you and what you need for you life to become better, but by bit.

He's found someone else to spend his time with. Given the his shady past of kissing other girls and liking pictures, it's all the more likely. Putting blame on you and accusing you of cheating to let himself off the hook.
I don't think you need solid evidence of his cheating just the way he treating you is enough to end it. It's been 7 years too long with someone like him, so regret wasting anymore time on him.

*don't regret

I've deleted his pictures and I'm trying to be kind to myself but it hurts so much. One minute I feel relieved and happy, then the next I'm curled up in bed crying again. There's just no balance. I feel like I need closure but I suppose that's normal? I've never had any support for my mental health, they put me on a few different kinds of antidepressant for a few years but the gp never stayed in contact. Just prescribed them and told me to lump it basically, I felt like I was being a pest so I never went back. I suffer more from mood swings and anger than depression so the antidepressants never helped and made my anxiety worse throughout the years. I'm going to have a cuddle with my Guinea pigs, and try and improve my self care as I've really let myself go recently

@Fuzzyhippo that’s normal. You’re grieving the end of a relationship. It always gets better. But it’s normal to swing from relieved to sad for a bit. Keep posting here. We’ve been through it too.

Ps stop being so hard on yourself, I can tell by the way you’re posting you’re being way too hard on yourself all the time or that someone instilled a very critical voice in you.

OP you are clinically depressed and anxious I would say and no wonder after what you've been put through. He's only making things worse. I know Mental Health Services are dire nowadays but you do need help and you need it now. Try ringing the Samaritans to start with; they just listen but you need someone to lsten to you, you have so much grief iside you, yes grief. For your child and now for the relationship you hoped you had but are now realising never really was. Was the child his OP? He never offered to help you keep him or her and to support ye both? He's not much of a catch then, is he? Any man who'd let a woman be forced into an abortion of his child is not worth knowing really, is he? You deserve better.
Can you see a different GP at the same practise OP? Some GPs are better with mental health problems than others and you may get a better service off a different doctor. If not, you can change surgery without giving a reason , if that is possible? You could also ask to see the Community Psychiatric Nurse attached to your surgery.
I wish I could offer more concrete advice OP, I'm so sorry you're being made to endure so much but it WILL change. Life always changes, change is the only certainty in life. This will pass. You've reached out for help on here and that's good so keep reaching. Ring the Samaritans and take it from there. All the very best to you and God bless.

He doesn't get to decide if you're still together or not. He doesn't dictate how the relationship goes. He treats you like rubbish - you decide to leave. That's how it should work. You said

But that's the thing, he says we're still together. I ask if it's over between us and he says "you decide, I'm happy how it is"

What he means is, he is happy having a relationship where you do all the running, all the worrying about him, make all the effort, he gets some gf services at week ends but can otherwise live life as a single man. He doesn't even have to call you or respond to messages. He just lies and says his phone was dead. He is treating you like rubbish, and he is quite happy to continue doing so, as long as you'll put up with it.

If you see sense and leave, he won't care about that either, because he doesn't care enough.

This is not a fault of yours - it is all him. He is a rubbish bf and a pretty dire human being.

When someone wants to be with you, they make it clear. You are left in no doubt. You are worrying about, and fighting for, a man who isn't worth it. Please stop messaging him, and leave him alone. If nothing else, you will see how long it takes him to worry about you or miss you. But no matter what, walk away. You would be much happier single than with this awful man. He will be making your mental health worse, as he doesn't show you respect or care.

Can you build up your support network? Are there any family members you are close to? Any old friends you could get in touch with? Do you have a chance to make friends through education or work or a hobby? You deserve so much better than he is giving, and you will be healthier and happier without him.

@layladomino

He doesn't get to decide if you're still together or not. He doesn't dictate how the relationship goes. He treats you like rubbish - you decide to leave. That's how it should work. You said

But that's the thing, he says we're still together. I ask if it's over between us and he says "you decide, I'm happy how it is"

What he means is, he is happy having a relationship where you do all the running, all the worrying about him, make all the effort, he gets some gf services at week ends but can otherwise live life as a single man. He doesn't even have to call you or respond to messages. He just lies and says his phone was dead. He is treating you like rubbish, and he is quite happy to continue doing so, as long as you'll put up with it.

If you see sense and leave, he won't care about that either, because he doesn't care enough.

This is not a fault of yours - it is all him. He is a rubbish bf and a pretty dire human being.

When someone wants to be with you, they make it clear. You are left in no doubt. You are worrying about, and fighting for, a man who isn't worth it. Please stop messaging him, and leave him alone. If nothing else, you will see how long it takes him to worry about you or miss you. But no matter what, walk away. You would be much happier single than with this awful man. He will be making your mental health worse, as he doesn't show you respect or care.

Can you build up your support network? Are there any family members you are close to? Any old friends you could get in touch with? Do you have a chance to make friends through education or work or a hobby? You deserve so much better than he is giving, and you will be healthier and happier without him.

I'm really starting to see that now. I know he doesn't care, he hasn't for several years but I stuck about because I liked the fact that we'd go for little road trips to the beach and got me out and about before I learnt to drive. But that phase faded out long ago. If it weren't for him I wouldn't be driving, so in a way he's done a few things to improve my life but in the long run it's made me a weaker person. I've actually started a new hobby, which may sound peculiar to others, but it's showing Guinea pigs. I've actually met some new people which I've never had the confidence to do before. I guess I've had to learn how to live without him and the next step is finding a little job which I've never been able to do due to my illnesses. I did an apprenticeship for a week a few years ago which destroyed any self esteem I had left within me, as they were mentally abusive for the very short time I was there. I've always wanted to start my own business, but not sure what. Something I can do when I'm too ill to leave the house on certain days. I have all these ideas and goals which I never gone for because my life was all about him and he was the only thing I focused on. I realise how wrong I was to do that now and to never base my life on what others think. I'm feeling empowered at the moment but I know later on I'd be back to my depressed state so I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts

Op start small - volunteer to learn some new skills and for a reference if needed one day or an afternoon a week then build up to a part time job that you can manage health wise. Don’t jump in all at once. You sound lovely and very intelligent. He’s done you a huge favour as you could have had many more years of his nonsense at the expense of your life and happiness. Start small and build up your goals one by one, the first goal you’ve achieved is losing the big emotional dead weight. Congrats