If your mother loved you but ..

[gladiators3]

Resented motherhood and her life as a reluctant SAHM, possibly the whipping boy for her discontentment and certainly
The less favoured ( eldest if relevant) child whose
Mother loved you but didn't really like you and you're now in your forties, a mother and single parent due to divorce , how are you now?
How did that affect you in your own
Parenting and relationships with partners?
I'm asking as I am engaging in counselling for this and am at a very tentative stage.
Not necessarily looking for positive outcomes, just honest shared experiences please?

My mother had very little interest in mothering me when I was a child. I learnt early to give her emotional support.

As I got older, it was all about what I could do for her. It wasn’t until I had my own daughter I realised how wrong this was.

It made me a better mother, as I never wanted my DD to feel unloved.

It screwed me up for years as I was so angry at her for manipulating me. And yes it has impacted my marriage as I seem to have allowed my husband to use me as his emotional support/massage his ego, while getting little in return.

I must have low self esteem, as I find it hard to stand up for myself in a positive way. I’m post menopausal and am full of resentment.

I have promised my self to have some counselling.

Good luck and well done for starting therapy.

Thanks for that @sleepymum50 !
Anyone else have these experiences or opinions on this please?

Hi, OP. Virtually the same as you, except still married and no children. Now in my 50s.

My mother is a classic narcissist. She made it abundantly clear having children was a terrible drain on her and everything to do with our upbringing was troublesome unless she happened to fancy doing it (e.g. laying on birthday parties in which she could participate almost as one of the kids). I did not have children partly due to fear of how much trouble they would be, partly due to fear that I would end up treating them as she had treated me. Sibling also has not had children. We came under heavy pressure to provide grandchildren for her (she threatened disinheritance at one point!). I think if I had children I might have cut contact with her due to her uva

For most of my life I have beuroen a te rrible people-pleaser and allowed myself to be bullied. I stood uply to msny husband some years ago and threatened to leave. We have reached an understanding, are still together and he treats me properly. That happened when I finally twigged that my mother is a narc and started processing my childhood and relationship with her properly. I did a bit of counselling online, which helped. I am choosing to stay in contact with her (grey rock approach) but sometimes I do question if it is worth the aggro.

In my case mother always said she loved us but it is clear that she loves herself FAR AND AWAY more than anyone else. Displays of generosity and motherly love are to show off to her friends or make herself feel good. She liked us if we danced to her tune.

Sorry OP. Site went crazy and then crashed on me so above is full of errors but I think still understandable.

Exactly as @sleepymum50

I'm getting divorced as allowed needy ex to do the same.. although according to him I'm a narcissist with a victim complex!

When you start putting in boundaries prepare for hell to be let loose... it is hard. But my relationship is getting better with DM because it bothers me less.

@NarcKid

Our stories are identical -

I also have a narcissist mother, who I had to emotionally support from when I was 9.

She was what I call a 'performance' parent - she only made an effort when she had an audience... mainly her family, so she could show them what a perfect Catholic mother she was. I was 9 when she no longer had that audience, so all pretence stopped. She also made it clear - and has actually said - that being a mother 'ruined her life'.

I have two brothers - we are all in our 50s now and none of us have had children of our own.

I have also been (still am to an extent) a people pleaser and to be honest a bit of a doormat. I've married two men when I should have split with them instead.

She has never said she loves us, has never given us a hug or a kiss. I honestly believe she doesn't love us, and never has. I now live on the other side of the world to her (deliberately) and have only seen her twice in the last 30 years.

It wouldn't bother me if I never saw her again.

I'm still married but otherwise in a similar situation. Interesting question OP.

I am a classic not liked / loved by her mother. I realise now she had mental health problems. I find it hard to accept that anyone likes me, I have chronic imposter syndrome. I have lots of friends, a good job with great colleagues but I'm permanently surprised by this.

At work this manifests itself as difficulty / embarrassment with accepting praise. It's almost as it I haven't learnt to accept praise because I never got any as a child.

With friends it manifests as an inability to ask for and accept help, especially with looking after my children. I think I am a bit embarrassed that I don't have any parental support like other people do.

With my husband it manifests as frustration when his own parents mollycoddle him / worry about him too much. It's stupid because they are normal parents who love their son but I find it annoying. I think it's probably a deep jealousy and I know I'm being completely unreasonable.

I don't really know how it will impact me as a mum in the long term but I do find it surprising DD likes me as much as she does. The DSs are different, they are less complex and my mother didn't have a son (another disappointment for her).

This post sounds really self indulgent, I don't think / feel like this all the time, I'm just answering the question. My childhood wasn't awful but it does have an impact on your life when your most formative relationship is damaged. Good luck with the counselling OP.

Its never been a comfortable relationship. She probably would have been better without kids. Everything was about her and drama drama. I can't be arsed with it. I don't feel much for her and I feel guilty for that. I also had empathy as I find parenthood very hard aswell but make an effort not to be hard work.
It's never been any surprise that when younger I sought out mother figures Ie older women at work, exes mothers etc for guidance. My own mum was too busy or flippant or judgemental. She often ignored us alot. She'd come home from work with a face on, phone her friends, fall asleep on the couch. That was the majority of my childhood ie not much interaction.

My mother told me she resented us and I can relate to a lot of the posts above especially people pleasing, not accepting praise and a target for bullies in the workplace.

Its a strange one, I can’t quite cut her out as dad is dead and the rest of our family are not arsed/all over country but it’s a very cold fish relationship, almost like talking to a stranger once a few months. She knows nothing about me, how I’ve been bullied to the point of suicidal feelings at work, found out about an awful health problem recently. I decided not to have children as I’m scared I have not learnt how to not be her like her.

I can relate to a lot of the posts above.

OP I’m similar to you, with DC but still married. Covert narcissist mother, enabling father, quite serious abuse and neglect from DM throughout childhood. DF was loving but would not cross or reign in DM as was too scared of her rages.

I’m one of many siblings. None of us has managed to have a successful relationship with a woman (they all look emotionally unhealthy and tend to be short term) but half of us have managed long-term reasonably healthy (I think) relationships with men (Maybe due to DFs more healthy loving approach - who knows - but with there being so many of us it is noticeable that relationships with women are not our strong point). I’m the only one who has had DC so far although I think others probably will in the future.

Grey rock with DM. Counselling required when I had DC and likely to be required in any high stress situations. Issues like anxiety and depression. Never able to believe people like me even when they say and act like they do - makes it very hard to make friends. Constantly have to work on my well-being. Will probably need counselling periodically throughout my life.

With DH I find it hard to judge if behaviours are healthy or not. I often prefer my own company which can make him feel rejected. if I’m around anyone displaying, conflict, confrontational, unhealthy, irrational, or erratic behaviours it puts me into a disproportionate level of panic. Scared to stand up for myself and not clear at all on when I need to stand up for myself. I hide my talents a lot and often don’t do hobbies I enjoy as I think other people will think its silly, or annoying or be disapproving.

Counselling was the best thing I ever did. I hope you’ll have the same experience

My mother resents me because I didn’t turn out the way she wanted. As a child, I was blamed for my behaviour and punished if I did not behave socially the way she wanted, ie, I didn’t look ‘cheerful enough’ among other things. I’m autistic as it turns out. I’m also an only child.

My mum is an abused person herself. Instead of facing up to the fact that her own mother was an abusive and neglectful parent, she uses me as a dumping ground for all that anger.

I can’t say that I feel particularly loved by her. The more difficult my life is, the more spiteful she is to me. Lately, things have been on a fairly even keel so she’s ok to me most of the time.

I don’t treat my own children the same way. I’m not a perfect parent but I certainly don’t blame my children for being children and my love for them is not conditional.