Trigger warning, need help domestic abuse

[VioletGInPlease]

First of ill start with a bit of background I was serially abused by a family member from 13 to 15 , my father also seems to believe something has happened to me as a child before this , so I keep picking abusive partners without realising so I guess in a way this is my fault.

My partner has just been charged for assaulting me to the point I'm black and blue infront of two of my children who are 3 and 4 they are traumatised this is the 2nd time he's been charged the first for trying to run my car off the road because he thought I was looking at another man.

However he has serious mental health and I've been trying to help him , I wasn't allowed out without him blinds always closed because he believed I was looking at my male neighbours, he degraded my family and I was barely allowed to see or speak to them we couldn't have even a laugh together or he would kick off he kept walking every week until I apologised for my behaviour that upset him.

He would tell me when I was arguing that I was a fat slag because I put on 2st because he wouldn't let me exercise because I was trying to impress men. Also telling me he was going to sleep with my friend or go on badoo etc and that I was to go and get fked by my cousin again.... wasnt allowed to wear shorts or dresses because I was too fat why would I want to. problem is I love this man and I can't understand why he's treating me this way I can't get closure as he has bail conditions and my house is on a red alert police are circling my house constantly

I know I can't take him back but I'm drowning
I'm having horrible thoughts and it's scaring me I'm crying constantly can't eat sleep function.

I've tried everything for this man to help him and he doesn't see it I gave up my work to help him
He's got me to a point I never wanted to be feeling again.

I've ruined this man's life I don't want him to get jailed because of me he has two kids that I took in too and there life has been turned upside down too

He went on the run from Monday to Thursday and was caught and charged on Thursday but Thursday morning he messaged saying this is all my fault and if anything happens to him it's on me I don't want that guilt I loved this man , he has constantly threatened suicide when he has walked from me.

I just seem to fk everyone up and it's killing me I miss him so much but feel shameful and guilty for doing so I don't know where to turn I feel needy and just want to run back to him to apologise for this mess but I know for the sake of my kids I can't and would never put them at risk.

I need help I know he did love me as he would get upset and hurt if I didn't cuddle him in at night or first thing give him a cuddle and kiss i just want to know is there anything I could have done different for him.

Sorry that meant securely abused when I was you get

Ahhh Sexually ***

Unfortunately this was not a loving relationship. What you’ve described is not love. It’s control. Not only has he controlled you by not ‘allowing’ you to exercise, not ‘allowing’ you to see family members etc. He’s also put his hands on you in front of your kids. Surely that doesn’t sound like love to you?

No one’s done this but himself. Try not to look back and ask what you could have done differently. He most likely would have done this with another woman so there’s no point reflecting back on your actions. First he tried to run your car off of the road and now he’s beat you black and blue and he has the cheek to say he’ll be suicidal if you ever left him?! I know words from strangers on the Internet hardly mean anything but this man is horrible. He deserves the book thrown at him and hopefully there will be some sort of sentencing for the assault.

If you’re able too, try and self refer for therapy. I think that’ll be really beneficial for you and will help to process your thoughts as well as your past. Sorry you’re going through this, all the best

The police domestic team have referred me to DASAT for abused women on Monday as I told them I'm really struggling, however I've heard nothing of them so far hence why I've came on here for support , I need therapy to fix myself so I stop attracting people I keep trying to fix , I'm just feeling so exposed and vulnerable and now struggling because I'm starting to question whether he even loved me to begin with.

I feel shameful though that someone that can hurt me so much I still love and I feel guilty that he may be possibly sentenced for this as he was warned last time.

I just wish I could have gotten through to him as he had really bad insecurities I tried to prove so many times I wasn't interested in anyone else but nothing was ever enough

First of all you have not ruined this man's life
He's a cunt
Mental health is not an excuse for abuse
Give your head a wobble and well done for engaging with the police
Take every bit of support they can offer you and keep focused that you deserve better

Never ever let that man in your home or vagina ever again

Your poor traumatised children.

Stop worrying about him and think about those two innocent children, in hell, in your home.

What a horrific childhood they are having.

Could you contact SS and ask for help.
Tell them how awful a home your poor children have.

You need to stop thinking of this awful man and start thinking of your children.

OP you didn't choose to be abused as a child. You would have been groomed and manipulated by an adult fully conscious of their actions, just like your husband is now.

Are you able to get counseling or therapy to work through your negative self thoughts and feelings of guilt. You are not the guilty party hwre

You’ve had some good advice, and I’d lean on whoever you can to get more help. You need some expert advice on how to unravel your thought processes.

Promise yourself you’ll give yourself a year of self care (and care for your LOs too) and learn to love yourself again. Don’t get entangled in any relationships, or let that twat of a man anywhere near you.

Absolutely NONE of your story is your fault… only that you stayed in it far too long. 🤗

My parents are both managers of social work , however I am thinking about my children daily I phoned the police on him both times and told him the last time if he ever lifted his hands to me again he would be finished , which I have stuck to for my children's sake as they are my main priority but yes I feel guilty I couldn't have helped him , he has never abused me infront of my children until now hence why he is gone now as my children will never witness that again.

They are crying daily saying he's hit mummy. I'm trying to heal my children and myself this is why I feel shame for missing him but because my life was controlled around all his feelings and needs my life doesn't feel my own.

I have moments during the day of reflection where I know he deserves what's coming but then start the process of feeling guilty again.

I know mental health isn't a excuse for abuse I just kept making excuses for him because he had such low confidence and insecurities that I allowed him to abuse me while I was giving him everything I had.

I can make it abundantly clear he will never be near me or my children again ever I'm just struggling to find my self and cope with the feelings of guilt 😔

It's time to turn it around, do not ever go back to him! Protect yourself and your children.

@ByeByeMissAmericanPie

You’ve had some good advice, and I’d lean on whoever you can to get more help. You need some expert advice on how to unravel your thought processes.

Promise yourself you’ll give yourself a year of self care (and care for your LOs too) and learn to love yourself again. Don’t get entangled in any relationships, or let that twat of a man anywhere near you.

Absolutely NONE of your story is your fault… only that you stayed in it far too long. 🤗

Thank you , I have came to the realisation that I need deep routed therapy before I ever enter into another relationship for all our sakes to deal with My own problems as I believe I'm trying to fix everyone else because I couldn't save myself.

You have hit the nail on the head with self love and care , just because I've been controlled that long I'm struggling to come to terms as to what to do and think for myself Iiterally feel like I'm withdrawing from a medication such a horrible feeling xxx

Oh my goodness!!! @VioletGInPlease this is awful to read I'm so so sorry you're going through such a traumatic time.

I spoke to women's aid last week, they said they can give me sessions to understand domestic abuse (mine was emotional/psychological not physical) and how to spot the signs in future partners/how to see red flags early on. If that helps xx

Oh lovey, you didn't fuck him up. He is a fucked-up man, and he's trying to wreck your life and the kids' lives, to make you as messed up and broken as him.

You have seen through him. Youve taken steps to stop him hurting you, or the children - if he goes to prison, then so be it. You've realised that you need to work on yourself before you get back into any relationship. You're doing ok.

Thank you for your kind words I feel a mess just now but I know I'll get through this I just need to go through the grieving process , then try to sort my head out .

It's scary to think I've been here before you think I would know the signs but they hide it so well until your in it and trapped.

I said earlier I loved this man however I'm struggling to see of what I loved about him it was me holding down everything me giving affection time etc nothing in return I believe I just liked the feeling of someone being there and helping out with the kids like a family unit/ however it was a unhealthy family unit they drain every ounce of you until there's nothing left.

This is horrific OP. I've been through emotional abuse, it's the cycle of abuse that really messes with your head and keeps you trying to get back to that loving calm period. This is not your fault, it is his. I can share my steps to recovery if it helps.

1. After his arrest I felt a lot of guilt, and like you some clear moments where I knew it was his fault but then I couldn't stop feeling guilty. This doesn't go away easily but you need distance to start processing all that has happened (I assume in your case police will put in bail conditions that will keep him away). Complete distance, no contact.

1. Start therapy, for your self and your kids. You'll notice in the beginning you'll be very focused on the recent events, then you'll start to talk about how else he has treated you over the years and the impact it has had on you. For me this slowly took away the feelings of guilt and put them squarely where they should be; on his side. Commit to working on yourself and being there for your kids, no new men and even new friendships can be problematic. Work on figuring out who you are.

1. Boundaries. For me, I had family court running alongside everything. He is still allowed contact with the children so I had to work on what I would and wouldn't accept, how he can have contact to kids but not me and how I could best protect their feelings through all this. Boundaries that you will not cross are so important in this. I hope in your case it will be no contact considering the physical violence.

1. Once you are out of the most volatile period and some calm is returning to your days take part in the freedom programme. It's really eye opening and makes you realise how many women are in similar positions to you and it is not your fault. You'll start to think of him as your abuser rather than your ex husband.

Throughout all this, be kind to yourself. Don't put yourself down, take help from the people you love and trust.

Once you stick to the promise he will never abuse you or your children again, then it is ok to feel regret things didn't work out.

By assaulting you in front of your children, he has abused them too.

They are crying their trauma.

He did this, not you.

Just NEVER allow him to do it again.

Well done OP. You drew your line, which was your kids witnessing his abuse and when he crossed it, you took action.

I hope the promised support materialises soon. You need help to believe that you matter too. It's not your role to fix people. Steering clear of relationships for a while will be good for you.

Are your family supportive? It wasn't clear if you feel like they blame you for the abuse you suffered as a child.

Is your eldest in school? They may have linked family support workers who can help you if you speak to them tomorrow.

I'm definitely going to make sure I'm taking time away from any relationships until I have fully sorted myself and my kids and even then I doubt I will ever Introduce my kids to any man until they are old enough my oldest son is 10.

My family are supportive I think my father partly blames me for being abused as a child from the family member as I didn't speak up however I was a little girl and scared , he seems to think 14 is old enough to know different.

But albeit he has been so supportive other wise x

14 is only a baby as far as such things are concerned.

How awful your father blames you.

That is on HIM.

OP, you are strong.
Your children are lucky to have you.
Their lives can be different.

Stay strong.

I don’t read it as blame from her dad as much as realisation earlier trauma is causing op to make poor relationship choices. Which is true - she’s making the best choices she can just now but needs help to recover to move on.

OP you have not ruined his life he has done it himself, it’s his actions and you didn’t not cause them. If you did go back, it sounds like he will kill you. Be strong, get help, look after your wee ones and don’t let him back in. You deserve so much more and so do your kids.

I think my dad just struggled to cope with the situation a little guilt maybe as he tried to stop me going to this family members as he had a feeling something wasn't right , my mum kept saying everything was fine it isn't there fault either I think they just struggle with what happened.

As for my ex police have drummed it into me that so many people are killed from domestic violence I think this gave me a big eye opener to be honest.

My childhood trauma isn't obviously dealt with like I thought it was hence why I keep picking wrong relationships

You have not ruined his life. He has ruined his life and he is ruining your life and your children's lives.

The police are right and I'll be blunt with you because unfortunately I speak from experience.
If you let him back he will kill you. Maybe not the next time, or the next but it will happen eventually.

You need to focus on protecting yourself and your children now.

I need help I know he did love me as he would get upset and hurt if I didn't cuddle him in at night or first thing give him a cuddle and kiss i just want to know is there anything I could have done different for him.

That’s not love. It’s control.

OP you need to examine what it is about this man that you think you love. If you think about it rationally you’ll know he isn’t deserving of your love. What he does is down to his choices, you are not to blame.

Please find the strength to never let him back. For the sake of your life, and the sake of your kids. Contact the police again and ask them for the help they promised. And contact woman’s aid.

Well done for coming this far OP. Stay strong. I’m sorry this has happened to you