Does anybody have parents or a parent who as you were growing up and now believed that or behaved like you were not a close part of their family or that you were someone who should be on the outside l

[Longertimecoming]

I am an only child with this experience and I have had quite a bit of therapy over the years for various things related to my parents but events over the last few months due to their own problems and aging and veneers growing very thin and therefore less careful what they say to me has revealed the extent of their feelings and recollection of the past that they genuinely view me and have always viewed me, even as a child/baby as some kind of regrettable third wheel to their relationship.

I remember even as a three year old when I first started remembering things asking them where they were going when they were off out and the response was “mind your own business. What’s wrong with her, why does she always have to know?” My mum also seemed to set me up as a love rival as a toddler, seeing any attention seeking (ie love seeking) behaviour as a competition for my dad’s attention and therefore “putting a stop to it” rather than responding to it.

Now they are older a lot of the former belief systems are coming out from my childhood, just less disguised. I am giving them money, looking after them, logistically and practically, but they deeply resent (and there seems to be a strong belief and a lifetime of conversations between the two of them which I now hear due to dementia/their own issues) my help and intervention, every act of generosity is rebranded as nosiness or an excuse to put my nose in their business or make them beholden to me, and my mum seems to have an attitude that my dad goes along with, that I was “always interfering and wanting to know everything and not giving them any privacy.”

Over the years and starting from quite a young age, due to their shutting me out, I did not trust them and out of self protection very much shut them out of my life emotionally too, as it felt very damaging to have such a one-way relationship. They also didn’t want to be emotionally close with me so did not miss anything.

I wondered if anyone else has had this experience as a child of parents like this and how this affected you in your life?

The thread title should end “on the outside looking in”

I have has vast similar experiences with my parents up to a point but just taken night time meds so can't write a full response now. Like you I was an only child and my mum saw me as competition for my dad's attention. I was acutely lonely and grew up with very little self Esteem. My mum turned out to be an alcoholic and like you I have had a lot of therapy. I haven't had kids of my own and this is one of the main reasons. Am 50+ now and that ship has sailed. Will try and respond more tm.

Similar to you OP I have come to realise my mother is a narcissist, I wasn’t on the outside of my parents relationship as they hated each other but I was certainly set up in competition with her from an early age. Everything I did or experienced was always through the lens of my mothers feelings or own experiences, everything I did was not as good as she would have done it and anything I went through good or bad was appropriated or twisted to be about her. If I was sick, she was sicker. If I was celebrated, the occasion was hijacked and made about her feelings in some way.

I guess how this has affected me is to have no expectations of others, to feel that I am somehow less deserving of love and kindness or that if I receive kindness from others there must be an ulterior motive. I struggle to form close bonds as I do not trust that others can be relied on to care for me in return.

I posted about some other issues here a little while back and the advice given was to be kind to myself, I am reading some self help books about being the adult daughter of a narcissistic mother and trying to open myself up to letting people in and to allowing myself to acknowledge and prioritise my own needs and feelings. I am making slow progress but I have hope for the future.

Yes. From my earliest memories, I could feel my mum resenting me and having some kind of unspoken competition with me. She would throw a tantrum if my dad and I even had a conversation without her there. I would hear my mum, dad and brother watch TV downstairs while I stayed in my room every night. As an adult, when I've achieved success she's even openly been angry about it or thrown a tantrum.
What helped was me completely checking out. Last time they openly rejected me I said 'shall we have a rest from one another?' As in nc for at least a year and funnily enough she soon changed her tune. Still capable of tantrums now but I think they know I'm not afraid of walking away. It's taken a long time and a lot of therapy to get me to this point though.
What you've been through is very scarring and completely unfair. I would withdraw support when they act up to protect yourself and your own self esteem/ self worth