Boyfriend says he doesn't find me unattractive but...

[theladywiththerainbowhair]

So I broached the subject with my boyfriend today that I feel like we don't have sex as much anymore and if there's anything on his mind or that I could do to maybe ' spice it up ' a little. I got a bit teary as it's making me feel unattractive and I feel like it's a large chunk of the relationship that's disappeared and I don't understand why. After a little while of chatting he said he doesn't feel sexy but he doesn't think I 'do sexy things' anymore, his examples were that today in the sun I wore tights with my outfits instead of going bare legged, I don't really wear jeans that show off my figure and wear dresses (it's just how I enjoy dressing) and I should wear tighter clothing. I got quite upset as I felt like he was calling me frumpy when all I do is try to look nice. Am I being unreasonable here? Please tell me if I am. I feel upset that he's told me the way I dress has been putting him off me but I did ask him I suppose. P.s. I've dressed the same since we met!

It’s not you, it’s him.

My DH wouldn’t care if I dressed in a bin bag! I wonder if your BF has other issues, but can’t communicate them, so instead chooses to say it’s the way you dress?

Sorry op, sounds really upsetting

I agree with PP. My DH would jump my bones in sweat pants and his hoodie. If he knows sex is on the cards he is in his element. I worry my pandemic weight gain bothers him but he consistently tells me I am sexy when I look the least attractive I can be x

It's him with the problem not you. Have you changed how you dress since you met him? If not then you know it's definitely not you. Why should you have to wear tight clothes and I'm sorry but why the hell would you be going bare legged in March in the U.K. I take it he looks like a Greek god?

Sorry Op, just read that you said that you do dress the same since you met. I think you know that this relationship has probably come to the end of it's shelf life. Time to move on.

Definitely agree with the first comment. It's a him thing.
It shouldn't matter what you where, he should know what's underneath and still want you. I can't imagine how much this is knocking your self esteem and that's really not fair!
No man (or women) should be dictating that.
Sounds like there's a different deeper issue or he's just really fucking vain!

How long have you been together?

I’m just wondering if you’re at the point in your relationship where frequency of sex does tail off a bit, and you do start to notice the difference in sex drives, but rather than admit that his sex drive is lower than yours he’s gone for negging and blaming you instead.

Tell him to go. He’s nasty.

He was horrible. Why the hell does he get to tell you how to dress? Pretty grim that he expects you to only dress only for him every day tbh.

I think you need to get rid. A boyfriend should make you feel like the most attractive woman in the world and find you sexy regardless of what you're wearing. He sounds lazy and negative.

I think op that this is the end of this relationship. Your self esteem will go down and down if you stay with him, and that doesn’t just affect the relationship, it affects your whole life after a while as you will feel ground down.

Yes it will be sad as I’m sure you care about him but I think sometimes as another pp says relationships run their course. Find someone who looks at like you are a kind of magic as Frieda Kahlo said. Not this.

Coercive and obnoxious wanker.

And it's still quite early in the year for most of us to be tights etc free I think. Some people will be but it's not abnormal that you aren't.

Your outfits sound fine BTW @theladywiththerainbowhair . I'm not a jeans person either, I think dresses are prettier and less frumpy actually.

You asked what you could do to spice things up ... which kind of implied that you needed to fix the problem. So you were the one implying that you might be doing something wrong. But he really picked up that idea and ran with it, didn't he? Sounds like he was absolutely delighted to make it all about you, in fact.
And now you think you might have been unreasonable? Stop looking for fault in yourself, and in future, try being more critical of your partner. And if you do have a moment of self-doubt, don't be too quick to share it!

Thank you everyone. I do see that maybe I accidentally blamed it on myself asking about whether I could 'spice things up' but I was really just trying to see how we could solve this 'issue'. I failed to mention that my dad used to tell my mum what she could and couldn't wear and I witnessed this when I was younger so it really triggered something in me! We're currently in different rooms in the house getting ready to go out but I've just broken down to myself because I have no idea what to wear after this... what a night!

Wear whatever you fucking want!!!!

@BornIn78

How long have you been together?

I’m just wondering if you’re at the point in your relationship where frequency of sex does tail off a bit, and you do start to notice the difference in sex drives, but rather than admit that his sex drive is lower than yours he’s gone for negging and blaming you instead.

I’d agree with this, the relationship may gone a bit off the boil a bit now and his blaming you as the sex has dropped off.

You wear whatever you want!

You haven’t changed the way you dress so it any possibly be that thatnis thé issue vs sex.

He has however nicely defiected thé issue and put the whole responsibility into you. Wo telling you what is the problem which means you can’t possibly solve it!! That’s setting you up to fail tbh.

@theladywiththerainbowhair

Thank you everyone. I do see that maybe I accidentally blamed it on myself asking about whether I could 'spice things up' but I was really just trying to see how we could solve this 'issue'. I failed to mention that my dad used to tell my mum what she could and couldn't wear and I witnessed this when I was younger so it really triggered something in me! We're currently in different rooms in the house getting ready to go out but I've just broken down to myself because I have no idea what to wear after this... what a night!

Why do you see this as an “issue”, as others say, his sex drive might just be lower than yours, not all men want sex all the time

Wear your favourite thing. You’re not a doll for him to dress, you are an actual human adult with sovereignty over your body. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY gets to tell you how to dress.

And if you do have to wear what he wants what happens the next time there is an issue. These things chip away and are soul destroying.

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow not necessarily an issue - maybe I worded that wrong. Just odd in terms of how it's always been with us so I was worried about the huge change.

Op how long have you been together? I think it's just run it's course

What do you want op? If you’re not happy and it’s not working and when you bring up issues you’re not happy with he says this sort of thing then decide what you want from a relationship, separate it from him and think about your life.

@Bodgerbarbara

Wear whatever you fucking want!!!!

yes this

Hate the expectation that women always have to be looking their best. Can we never just be?!

He is either a controllong jerk, terribly insecure or he has someone else and is trying to blame his (emotional) affair on you.

Either way, get rid.