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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do I stop being angry at STBXH and shouting when he visits?

23 replies

whatdoidonoww · 26/03/2022 18:12

My husband walked out on me and the DC last Thursday. I was petrified of the impact this would have on the DC since he created an argument before he left. Today he returned to collect a few things and I was the one who lashed out verbally in front of the children- I'm deeply ashamed of myself and the irony is, I did to the children what I accused the husband of doing last week. How do I behave myself and stop giving the STBXH all the power and control?

We'll need to coparent so I need some strategies in place where I don't let me feelings get the better of me.

OP posts:

Polyanthus2 · 26/03/2022 18:16

What age are DC?

MsPavlichenko · 26/03/2022 18:16

Get his stuff sorted and away asap. Insist on it. Then he has no reason to visit. He can pick DC up or you can hand over elsewhere. Start as you mean to go on.

MikeandDave · 26/03/2022 18:18

It's understandable you are upset. Keep communication by text and ask him to let you know if he needs anything from the house and you will arrange to get it sent to him. In a few weeks you will be calmer and able to facilitate visits with the children.

RandomMess · 26/03/2022 18:24

Don't have him in the house from now on.

PonyPatter44 · 26/03/2022 18:36

He doesn't need to come to the house. Arrange handovers at a friend's house or at Maccys (in the car park if you must). We used to do handover at a motorway services, because exH moved so far away.

WormHasTurned · 27/03/2022 00:08

I found it incredibly therapeutic to box up STBXH’s stuff. He’d taken the essentials already but the extra stuff I see as “his” I boxed up. Also stayed out the way when he came to get things. It gets easier. Your situation is so new and must be incredibly raw.

unicornsarereal72 · 27/03/2022 08:40

Gather all his belongings a d out in one place. A spare room. I emptied the airing cupboard as he was taking bit by not from my bedroom and didn't want him in there.

He collects belongings on x date at x time. And be out. The children do not need to see there father leaving with his belongings.

Contact is the door step collection and drop off. There is no need for him to be in the house. Agree a time and have the children ready.

In time it gets easier to speak in sentences beyond hello and good bye. Until then do what you can to heal yourself

Blossom64265 · 27/03/2022 09:01

For the time being, minimize contact. Only see him face to face to hand over the children. If he needs to get something from the house, get it ready for him. When he needs to do a bigger pickup from the house of his things, don’t be there.

You need to let yourself have some time to process your grief and anger. You can’t get to the new friendship required for successful coparenting if you don’t let yourself deal with the demise of the current version of your relationship.

Original poster

whatdoidonoww · 27/03/2022 11:37

The children are 2 and 3 and giving me hell for their dad's absence. He's insisting he can see them whenever he wants and will force his way in if I stop that from happening (we own our house jointly). I feel I need to play happy families to minimise the affect of him walking out on the children but the minute I see him, I feel rage at his privilege of walking a way and me being solely responsible for the children- im scared of the future, im scared the children are going to grow up damaged human beings and how my life is going to be one of drudgery from now on in while he sleeps, wakes, eats, socialises, does whatever he wants. It's not fucking fair.

OP posts:

Original poster

whatdoidonoww · 27/03/2022 11:38

My older one is being investigated for sensory needs/possible autism. He was clearly missing his dad this morning so threw his breakfast off the table and it went everywhere. I couldn't help but scream the house down. I feel so bad for it. I can't cope.

OP posts:

MikeandDave · 27/03/2022 12:19

Change the locks and tell him you will call the police if he tries to break in. There are consequences to walking out on your family one of which is you can't just turn up any time you like.

unicornsarereal72 · 27/03/2022 13:38

You all need consistency and routine. Not guessing when he is putting in an appearance and you are not sitting around waiting for him to grace you with a visit.

Set time and days. How ever that looks. The children are young then need to know when and where they are seeing him. And you need to be able to grieve in peace.

He has left the family home. He made a choice it is now not for him to come and go as he pleases.

I know how terribly hard this is. You need to dig deep now and work a plan that is in the children's best interest.

Seek legal advice. Gather support around you from friends and family. Gp if you feel it is appropriate and counselling to get it all out. Journaling helped me

Communication is now solely about the children.

Money through CMS

Contact is on x and y day

House etc through the solicitor.

Show him you won't be pushed around. He will shout. Get angry and stamp his feet. Let him. He doesn't get to dictate to you anymore. It is a tantrum because you are taking control of the situation.

I promise you it gets easier in time. But for now you need to dig deep. Be kind to yourself do your grieving and build a new life for yourself. It's not what you wanted or planned but you will come out the otherwise in time

And your children will be fine. They need loving strong parents and you have got this in spades.

WishIwasElsa · 27/03/2022 13:42

It's tricky to keep emotions in check, but as you said your dc throwing their breakfast off is an expression of how they're feeling. They probably feel a lot of the same as you but won't be able to vocalise it in the same way. Try to be strong for them and see it as you're better than him when you don't react. But I agree there needs to be a schedule not just he can leave but then come and go as he pleases that's not fair to the kids or you.

Midlifemusings · 27/03/2022 13:45

@MikeandDave

You can't just change the locks. OPs DH has ever right to be in his house if he wants to be. It is still his house even though the relationship is ending. Legally he still has rights to his own property.

noirchatsdeux · 27/03/2022 13:49

@MikeandDave

My exH wanted to do the same when I left. His solicitor told him in no uncertain terms that he couldn't, that I still owned half the house and until he either bought me out/I bought him out, neither of us could deny the other access.

Blossom64265 · 27/03/2022 14:08

He should agree to a parenting schedule and to do his parenting time elsewhere. He may not be cooperative though and the process takes time. You can control how you react though. If he shows up to spend time with the kids, let him. Give him a 2 minute recap and walk out of the room and let him take over. Go up to your room and try to relax for a bit or even go for a walk. You don’t have to stay right there and play happy families.

LemonTT · 27/03/2022 15:06

@MikeandDave

Change the locks and tell him you will call the police if he tries to break in. There are consequences to walking out on your family one of which is you can't just turn up any time you like.

He left his wife not his family. There’s no need to inflame and escalate things. It’s just backfires and upsets children caught in the middle of angry confrontations.

He can return to his home anytime he likes. Because it is his home and until they agree arrangements he can see his children as often as he likes just like their mother.

This situation doesn’t need high handed actions. It needs two adults to talk and be reasonable about how they move forward.

Afterallsbeensaidanddone · 27/03/2022 15:09

He can return to his home anytime he likes. Because it is his home and until they agree arrangements he can see his children as often as he likes just like their mother.

If he's an utter git and foolish. Who does that. How incredibly callous.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 27/03/2022 15:10

I'm still furious 3 years after ex left OP. My only solution is to keep contact to an absolute minimum.

Shmithecat2 · 27/03/2022 15:16

@Afterallsbeensaidanddone

He can return to his home anytime he likes. Because it is his home and until they agree arrangements he can see his children as often as he likes just like their mother.

If he's an utter git and foolish. Who does that. How incredibly callous.

It is indeed callous, but it's also perfectly legal. Changing the locks and restricting access to one of the owners isn't.

IncompleteSenten · 27/03/2022 15:28

You need to get the legal stuff sorted so that he cannot just come in any time and has court ordered time with the children.

I realise that doesn't happen in a day but it's the best way forward.

Also collect everything that belongs to him and put it in one place and tell him to take his shit away.

In the meantime can someone stay with you for a week or so and deal with him? It's so raw right now that you need someone to run interference for a few days

bellac11 · 27/03/2022 15:28

Its very recent so you are bound to still be emotionally heightened as is he likely to be

Therefore can there be someone who can mediate between you

You need to let him access the house, he owns it jointly you say and the children need to see him regularly and in a relaxed way, both in and out of the house to reassure them

The trouble is that the loss that you are feeling is now affecting the loss that the children are feeling and its only early days so you do need to control how you react so that this doesnt spill over onto them.

Are you able to agree between you how to behave when he comes to visit, can he engage in that conversation

GreyCarpet · 27/03/2022 18:38

OK. I had a similar experience when my exh and I first split up 10 years ago.

I contacted him afterwards and said that we'd both proved we could be hurtful.to the other but that wasn't how I wanted to proceed.

I said that it was important to le that we had a positive, amicable and respectful co-parentng relationship for the sake of the children and I didn't want a repeat of what had happened.

He replied thanking me for saying that and he totally agreed. We don't always see eye to eye but we've never spoken badly too each other or about each other during the subsequent 10 years. And our relationship remains 'businesslike' I guess.

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