Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I in the wrong?

17 replies

Kualma · 26/03/2022 16:53

I’m gay and have been seeing my girlfriend for 5+ years. I told my mum about my sexuality a long time ago and seeing as we were so close, I didn’t think it would affect anything. She just sort of ignores that side of my life and doesn’t take an interest in getting to know about my girlfriend. Likewise for my sister who insists it’s just a phase and hasn’t told anyone (including my niece and her husband) that I am gay.

My girlfriend and I have moved in together in our new home and my family haven’t taken it very well. My father didn’t know I am gay and having a relationship until I moved out as he would often say homophobic slur seeing a same-sex couple on TV so I thought it was best to wait until I moved out to tell him the truth. My parents have said this is a mistake {living with my girlfriend} and that they cry over it. They’ve not told anyone in the family about our relationship and recently didn’t invite my girlfriend to my mum’s birthday party (I didn’t attend either). My sister also says this isn’t the right thing to do and says mum and dad’s heart is still broken by all of this. She even told me that I shouldn’t have told them I was gay. In contrast to my girlfriend’s family - they all love me despite coming from a strong Catholic background. Always invited to dinners, holidays, can pop in when I’m in the area and they welcome me with open arms.

I just find this all so draining. Am I wrong to think I shouldn’t have to hide who I am in front of my parents and that by me moving out to live with my girlfriend to have our own life shouldn’t be a guilt trip from my parents?

OP posts:
Fernandina · 26/03/2022 16:56

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. You are who you are, and you shouldn't have to pretend to be someone else, just to appease your family. Flowers

Dillydollydingdong · 26/03/2022 17:03

You're entitled to be gay. You haven't got any control over it. In the same way though, your parents haven't got any control over how they feel about it. They're a product of their upbringing. I wonder how they'd feel if you had children though.

Watchkeys · 26/03/2022 17:09

Your parents are allowed to feel however they feel. If you're gay, you're essentially saying that you feel something that they wish you didn't feel. And they feel something that you wish they didn't feel. It's no more unreasonable to ask you to change yourself than it is to ask them to change themselves.

Everyone is allowed. There are no 'shoulds'. If you think there are 'shoulds', who do you think is in charge of deciding what we should/shouldn't do/say/feel?

The fact is, you get to say how you want people to be around you. But if you don't like the way someone is, you don't try to change them, you just stay away from them. Take responsibility. You sound a bit young, with the 'It's not fair' attitude. If you don't like something, don't be around it.

Original poster
Kualma · 26/03/2022 17:11

@Watchkeys

Your parents are allowed to feel however they feel. If you're gay, you're essentially saying that you feel something that they wish you didn't feel. And they feel something that you wish they didn't feel. It's no more unreasonable to ask you to change yourself than it is to ask them to change themselves.

Everyone is allowed. There are no 'shoulds'. If you think there are 'shoulds', who do you think is in charge of deciding what we should/shouldn't do/say/feel?

The fact is, you get to say how you want people to be around you. But if you don't like the way someone is, you don't try to change them, you just stay away from them. Take responsibility. You sound a bit young, with the 'It's not fair' attitude. If you don't like something, don't be around it.

Where did I say it’s not fair? I’m simply asking whether I’m in the wrong for telling my parents I’m gay and moving out with my girlfriend despite their wishes
OP posts:
HeDidWhattt · 26/03/2022 17:13

Your doing nothing wrong, I think it’s understandable that they may be a little shocked as it’s something that’s different, but not something you don’t get used to fairly quickly and accept. It’s strange your family treat you differently just because of who you love, but some families are just not that good, and that’s the unfortunate truth.

They may come around, but does it matter if they don’t? Live your life for you.

Watchkeys · 26/03/2022 17:18

You didn't say it wasn't fair. You have an 'it's not fair' attitude. A 'why do my parents have to be like this with me?' attitude. If you thought they were being reasonable and fair, you wouldn't be posting.

It's hard being where you are. I've been in the same position. But when it comes down to it, you're not wrong, and they're not wrong. The adult thing to do is for you each to accept your differing views, and find a way forward via a compromise. Whether you or they will be able to be adult enough to do this is anybody's guess, but I'd bet you've not been adult enough to suggest it to them, yet.

speakball · 26/03/2022 17:34

No you're not at all unreasonable. Congratulations on moving in. It's exciting starting a new chapter and if they can't be happy for you that's their loss and no reflection on you at all and it seems you have shown maturity so god only knows what the other poster has clocked on to.

Op, you've done nothing wrong, you deserve to be happy, proud, loved and accepted by the people around you.

Original poster
Kualma · 26/03/2022 17:35

@HeDidWhattt

Your doing nothing wrong, I think it’s understandable that they may be a little shocked as it’s something that’s different, but not something you don’t get used to fairly quickly and accept. It’s strange your family treat you differently just because of who you love, but some families are just not that good, and that’s the unfortunate truth.

They may come around, but does it matter if they don’t? Live your life for you.

I think this too. I have accepted that they probably might not change which I can live with however I told myself to live for me and no one else. I have tried to change things but nothing. Thanks for the help
OP posts:
Original poster
Kualma · 26/03/2022 17:36

@speakball

No you're not at all unreasonable. Congratulations on moving in. It's exciting starting a new chapter and if they can't be happy for you that's their loss and no reflection on you at all and it seems you have shown maturity so god only knows what the other poster has clocked on to.

Op, you've done nothing wrong, you deserve to be happy, proud, loved and accepted by the people around you.

Thank you! I’m glad I haven’t done anything wrong.
OP posts:
OnTheBenchOfDoom · 26/03/2022 17:46

Of course you are not in the wrong, you love your girlfriend and have moved in with her, not on a whim but after 5 years. We were raised by a strict Catholic Mother, my sister is gay and my Mum was only concerned about whether she was happy. Luckily my sister in law is lovely, yes they are married now, been together around 19 years. My Dad is also fine with it. In fact none of my Mum's friends who are all Catholic had any issues with it. Everyone was just loving and accepting.

Sadly you cannot get your parents to accept that this is your life. You are you, live your life for you. You have to decide whether or not you wish to have people in your life who are not accepting of your sexual orientation and by extension probably the most important person in your life, your girlfriend. Surround yourself with people who love and accept you for you, not just about being gay because that does not define you, that is a small part of what makes you, you.

mbosnz · 26/03/2022 17:59

No, you're not in the wrong. I have a gay daughter, and a bi-sexual daughter. They are my beloved daughters. They will always be my beloved daughters. And their partners, assuming they are good people and treat my daughters right, will be welcomed and valued members of our family.

This is your life. This is your sexuality. These things do not belong to anyone else but you.

Obviously your family is struggling with accepting your sexuality and your partner. This is their issue, but they are making it yours. Sadly, for them, as well as you, their attitudes and behaviour could have a negative, and possibly permanently so, impact on your relationship.

mnnewbie111 · 26/03/2022 18:00

Some weird, unreasonable people on this thread. Of course you're not wrong to expect your parents to accept you for who you are.

Natfemale · 26/03/2022 18:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

tribpot · 26/03/2022 18:23

You are not wrong to live your life. Your parents are being hurt by their own prejudice, not you. They can choose to do and feel what they want, but I would inform your sister you don't want to hear her opinions on it any further.

In terms of telling your wider family, I would take advice from others who come from prejudiced families. My feeling is that you shouldn't allow your parents to dictate who knows and who doesn't, but you may find it only increases on the pressure on you to somehow be 'not gay'.

Original poster
Kualma · 26/03/2022 22:15

Thanks to those who gave a helpful response. Really appreciated.

OP posts:
BritInAus · 26/03/2022 22:27

You're in love and in a loving adult relationship. Very sad your family can't accept your sexuality. Please focus on the other people in your life who are accepting.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/03/2022 22:56

Your parents are allowed to feel however they feel. If you're gay, you're essentially saying that you feel something that they wish you didn't feel. And they feel something that you wish they didn't feel. It's no more unreasonable to ask you to change yourself than it is to ask them to change themselves.

Eh? I think it's far more unreasonable to ask someone to 'change' being gay than it is to change being homophobic / racist / sexist.

Because one is something that literally cannot be changed while the other is an opinion / stance / world view that however deeply engrained or taught, is not inherently part of a person's being.

Sexuality is.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page