‘….but I always stick up for you !’

[CrazyTimes123]

What do you make of people who like to drop into conversations/arguments ‘when other people say xyz (derogatory) about you, I always stick up for you !’.

Like, wtf, what I am meant to say to that. I am meant to be grateful? I can’t even check if it’s true because they never say who said it, or what context, or why they were even talking about me anyway

Yeh that's weird. I don't think that other people are running me down behind my back so ............ I would 1) doubt that they are doing that and 2) wonder why on earth that person thinks I need to be told.

You could say ''I do the same for you''.

@Lurking9to5 exactly- why even mention it if it was true ? It just smacks of playground drama and makes me feel shit.

Would take it as a sign that the person I was arguing with had themselves said negative things about me to others.

Seems a variation of ‘everyone agrees with me / disagrees with you’. ‘I’m OK/You’re not OK’ in ‘transactional analysis’.

Not ‘fair fighting’.

If it’s the same person that says this then they sound toxic and I would phase them out.

I got this recently, it's a clever way of insulting you by appearing to be on your side.

Yeah it's a way of undermining you and making you question yourself.

It is done by people who want to knock your confidence and / or make you more dependant on them ('they always stand up for me, I should trust them and keep them as a good friend').

It's very unlikely that other people are criticising you in front of a friend - which means that this person has completely made up the conversation, for the above purposes, OR they themselves are criticising you to others (often because they want to keep you to themselves so try to put others off you).

Whatever conversation may or may not have happened, they want you to know / think that other people are being unkind about you. That makes them a bad friend, whichever way you look at it.

Is this someone you can avoid?

@Chickenkatsu

I got this recently, it's a clever way of insulting you by appearing to be on your side.

Definitely this!

In the right context they might be warning you you need to step up with your boss.

But it that’s not the case, then they are just trying to make you feel paranoid, so keep them at a distance.

Thanks for all your replies. And yes, I agree, in certain contexts it can be a ‘heads-up and watch yourself but I stuck up for you’ sort of thing, but this definitely wasn’t that.

[quote CrazyTimes123]@Lurking9to5 exactly- why even mention it if it was true ? It just smacks of playground drama and makes me feel shit.[/quote]
If playground drama makes you feel shit, you are engaging in playground drama.

It’s just a way of trying to insult you.

@Watchkeys good point x