Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

This is the beginning of the end, isn't it?

24 replies

Belatedeyebrows · 26/03/2022 15:21

I've had to name change for this. I need help but I can't bear to tell my friends what I've done.
I'll start by saying, I love dh deeply. We've been best friends for 15 years and married for 13.
We have 2dc who are under 3. We don't want anymore for a whole variety of reasons. We struggle time-wise with the 2 we have. I want to give them the best life i can. Money is a big factor. I don't want to start my career again. I want my body to be my own. I don't want anyone jabbing or poking me again after two difficult labours. The second pregnancy was during lockdown and I was so lonely. My mental health took a beating after my first and I just can't do it again. All purely selfish reasons. I get it, I am awful on so many levels.
Dh refuses to wear condoms. After the first he said he would look into getting a vasectomy but it didn't happen and then dc2 came along. I love my babies dearly and we were happy so I went on the pill after my second. I hated the way I felt. That my hormones were out of control. I've had the implant years ago and was the same. Doctor suggested coil but I just don't want anyone touching me. I just want my body to be mine.
In January, against the odds, I fell pregnant again. As I was still taking the pill, I was devastated.
I knew I couldn't go through it all again. So I had to make a decision quickly. Dh supported me and I booked an abortion. It was an agonising wait (15 days to have a telephone appointment. Guilt i suppose, after what i was about to do.) but I knew sooner would be perhaps slightly easier than later.
Dh and I haven't been intimate since. He wants to abstain because he wants time to consider the vasectomy. He has said he will do it but hen he is ready. I know I can't force him to have an operation against his will, but what's the alternative?
I'm heart broken. I had to make a quick, awful decision for our family and I have barely any thinking time or prep time. I feel like I can't move on because I can't heal or forgive myself for what I did and I whole heartedly regret my actions.
I think this is the end for me and dh. another decison that I will have to make. It will be my fault, splitting up my family.
I don't even know what my question is. I just know I need help. On my own with the dc today and just feeling so down.

OP posts:

NightshiftNancy · 26/03/2022 15:27

I'm so sorry you've had such a hard time. I hear what you are saying about regret but I think you took the decision based on what was and is right for you and your family.

There will be a grieving process to go through even though it was the right thing for you. My overall feeling is to let yourself grieve before you make any more decisions.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 26/03/2022 15:34

None of your reasons were selfish. You made the decision that allows you to be a mum to your two little ones and maintain your own sense of self.

Now the refusal to wear condoms from your husband, that strikes me as a lot more selfish. Don't imagine this decision about your recent pregnancy was all down to you. It was not. His refusal sparked a chain of consequences and you've been left at the sharp end of those.

You are not awful. Find a counsellor who can help you process this. It's worth paying for rather than waiting for NHS help.

PollyPutTheKettleOnKettleOn · 26/03/2022 15:37

Nothing you had said is selfish, except for his behaviour.

He thinks it's OK for you to put yourself through mild pregnancies, childbirth, breastfeeding, abortion, put your mental and physical health at risk over and over again but refuses to wear a condom or consider a small operation?

What an arse.

You deserve so much better.

layladomino · 26/03/2022 16:16

You went to great lengths to explain to us why you don't want another child, when you don't need to do that. The fact is you don't want another child. Perfectly normal, reasonable, not selfish, sensible under the circumstances.

However your husband - why won't be take any responsibility for contraception? Does he think it should all be up to you? Wearing a condom is no big deal. It's certainly less of a big deal than an unwanted pregnancy or never having sex again.

Aside from this, would you say you've got a good relationship? Do you share the workload 50/50 and support each other through thick and thin? Does he treat you with love and respect? Do you communicate well?

StanleyGreen · 26/03/2022 16:37

Your husband is an absolute disgrace. He still can't even get himself a vasectomy after you've had to have an abortion. It should be him you are angry at. It should be him you can't forgive, not yourself.
I feel so sad for you, his inaction has had serious consequences for your mental health. I don't think I would be able to see him the same way if he was my DH.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 26/03/2022 16:39

You are putting yourself through this immense emotional pain not to mention the physical nightmare of abortion - all because this prince among men wont wear a bloody condom? This person who supposedly loves you, will wrap a thin piece of rubber on his dick to protect and care for you? Honestly, if it is the end, good, you deserve better, everyone does.

Summerfun54321 · 26/03/2022 16:44

So you’re being forced to take sole responsibility for contraception as well as child birth? He just wants the fun without any of the responsibility?! Urgh.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 26/03/2022 16:48

Is he pressuring you for sex or to use hormonal contraception?
If not, what's the issue really with abstaining from piv sex until he's ready for the vasectomy?
Of course he should have one but he's got to be ready. Why do you have to split up over it?

girlmom21 · 26/03/2022 17:00

Can't you be intimate in other ways while he tries to stop being a dickhead makes his mind up?

Or is the issue all the sacrifices you've made and him not being willing to do this one thing?

StopStartStop · 26/03/2022 17:05

Just sending you love. Love yourself, forgive yourself anything you might think you got wrong.

Practise thinking it through without considering him. What do you want, now and in the future?

Original poster

Belatedeyebrows · 26/03/2022 17:16

@CloseYourEyesAndSee we first discussed this as a possibility when dc 1 was born. That was 3 years ago. I think he's had plenty of time. Also, where was the time for me to think things through prior to the abortion?
One of the reasons I went through it is so that things could stay the same. That meant no lack of sleep, no restarts. We could carry on like normal. Abstaining is not our "normal".

Aside from this, he is genuinely lovely. We've struggled since dc 2. I work full time and dh is a sahd and I've had to pick up the slack at worm and home. I'm able to tell him and he's starting to pull his weight.

I can't see the wood for the trees. Why should I have to move forward without the love and affection we once had. I don't feel like I will ever get closure.

OP posts:

TheNameOfTheRoses · 26/03/2022 17:25

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

Is he pressuring you for sex or to use hormonal contraception? If not, what's the issue really with abstaining from piv sex until he's ready for the vasectomy? Of course he should have one but he's got to be ready. Why do you have to split up over it?

Maybe because he has had 3 years to think about it?

Maybe because it is been done, not as decision taken together ‘for the best’ but imposed on the OP regardless of what she thinks of it

Maybe because he seems to have no regards for what she has been going through. A 3rd pregnancy when you already have 2 under 3 isn’t something many women want.

Maybe because he doesn’t seem to be the type of pulling his weight in other areas too (see the fact the OP had to pick up the slack re HW etc… despite the fact he is a SAHD)

Maybe because there are other ways until he gets to decide what he wants to do. Like using the pill plus condoms? Plus temperature charting etc…

dworky · 26/03/2022 17:26

You're not the selfish one, he is. A selfish bastard who you would do better without.

TheNameOfTheRoses · 26/03/2022 17:26

I dint know @CloseYourEyesAndSee but would you be happy to be told no piv by your partner, with no discussion and no time limit on it?

I thought on MN sex was such a huge thing that no one could do without that it had to take priority. Or maybe it’s only men that can’t live wo sex 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

TheNameOfTheRoses · 26/03/2022 17:28

Btw @Belatedeyebrows all the reason you gave about why you didn’t want another child are all valid reasons. You are not weak or selfish or whatever else (I hope these ideas are not coming from your DP tbh….).

It’s your body and it’s ok for you to say enough.

RandomMess · 26/03/2022 17:35

Sorry but I'm confused.

Is the problem that you want PIV sex and you are having zero intimacy because he won't wear a condom and the alternative is absolutely nothing?

Having an abortion a choice that you had to make that you still haven't come to terms with please get some counselling for yourself.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 26/03/2022 17:54

@TheNameOfTheRoses

I dint know *@CloseYourEyesAndSee* but would you be happy to be told no piv by your partner, with no discussion and no time limit on it?

I thought on MN sex was such a huge thing that no one could do without that it had to take priority. Or maybe it’s only men that can’t live wo sex 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

God no I'd never stay in a relationship where my partner withdrew sex but there are ways to avoid conceiving that don't include hormones and condoms. I don't disagree that he should have the vasectomy and yes 3 years is more than enough. Actually I agree I could not respect him.

in2dagroove · 26/03/2022 18:10

Step back and think. Your body and mind have gone through so much over the past couple of years. A lot of this might have been avoided if your DH just agreed to wear a condom during sex. Think about that and then consider which of you is being selfish?

springtimeishereagain · 26/03/2022 18:15

Why won't he wear a condom? It's such an easy thing to do.

Why won't he take any responsibility for birth control?

Why did you have to pick up the slack if he's meant to be a SAHD?

steppemum · 26/03/2022 18:16

There are so many things going on in your message.

contraception. He is being unfair to expect you to take the burden. This is something you need to talk about properly. But there are other methods available in the mean time while waiting for the vascectomy, you could get a cap. It is simple to use and no hormones and very effective.
abortion. You don't need to explain or justify yourself, but post abortion some women do go through a really tough grieving process. If you are one of those women, then you may need some support and help with it. At the very least acknowledge to yourself that you need time to grieve and to process. This may take months and I would say don't make any major decisions while you are going through this.

3 relationships often do take a major knock in the aftermath of abortion. It is a crisis, and all crises cause us to stop and think about life and priorities. Again, can you both get someone to talk to, some marriage counselling to help you talk to each other.

Overall you sound in a tough place, and that there is a gap between you and your partner. You need help to move on. That may be together or alone, but it certainly needs to be different to now.

Loopytiles · 26/03/2022 18:16

Your decision to end the pregnancy is understandable.

Your H is U to refuse to wear a condom given that he’s not got a vasectomy.

Why is he a SAHD? That’d be bad in the event of a break up, in terms of you getting 50% of the time with your DC.

I’d park the sex issue, but don’t have penetrative sex without contraception, double if possible. And ask your H to get a job asap, and sort childcare.

PerseverancePays · 26/03/2022 18:21

Protecting the children you have and your own mental health is not selfish. The abortion has hit you hard and you are beating yourself up about it. Imagine if you were talking to your dearly beloved daughter in the same position you find yourself now, would you talk to her like you are talking to yourself?
You did a hard thing but you are making your self suffer more. If you can afford to get some counselling to process the trauma you have been through. And be kind, to yourself, you are a good person.

HollowTalk · 26/03/2022 18:37

A lovely man? No way. He's a stay at home dad yet you have to pick up the pieces even though you work full time. He's absolutely utterly selfish about having sex without a condom. I would have lost all respect for him on both of these counts.

FlowerArranger · 26/03/2022 18:43

@Belatedeyebrows - he needs to get back to work. A proper full time job.
Because you are likely to get to a point where the marriage cannot be saved.
If he is a SAHD and you get divorced, there is a very real risk that he'll be granted custody.
And you'd have to pay him maintenance.
I assume that's not something you would be comfortable with.

Flip