Can't see way forward

[MerryBloodyChristmasDay]

Trying not to write a mammoth thread, but also not to drip feed. Have had many threads under different names on Mumsnet for probably 13 years now.

Summary is, I'm unhappy. I don't love my husband any more, though I do care deeply. There are many things that have contributed to this, drink issues, jealousy, some gambling. I've tried to overcome these issues and almost had a breakdown about 7 years ago, although somehow managed to come through it.

After an incident at Christmas (posted about it under this name) it's like the straw that broke the camels back. I've just had enough.

We have two kids, one late primary and one early secondary. I've been honest with my H about how I'm feeling since January, and we've started marriage counselling.

This has been good as I've been able to be honest, but it's been painful too. H is really trying, but I've said these things many times before and highlighted how they have made me feel, and it's never made a difference before, sooner or later something else will happen.

I do feel like I'm going through the motions with the counselling so I know I've tried, but I honestly can't see my feelings for him returning, and I just feel platonic. I want to be friends, and to break up amicably, and for somehow it all to be ok for the kids. He's quite clearly scared of losing me, in pain and very low.

How do I move forward from this? The temptation to do what I've done for years and paint a smile on my face and carry on so our lives aren't disrupted is huge, but I know I'm keeping everyone else happy at the cost of my own happiness.

Covid has meant that the balance in our marriage has shifted - whereas before I was the main carer, worked part time, earned a lot less and was around for the kids a lot more, now H has worked from home for 2 years (and only just back in the office a couple of days in the week) my career has taken off. I'm in work a lot and H is picking up majority of home life slack.

So the separating thing is tricky - 50/50 would be appropriate given how involved he is. And I'm the unhappy one so it seems wrong for me to say he should leave. But my mum left when I was a similar age to my kids (different circumstances as she moved away completely) but the thought of them feeling in any way abandoned if I left petrifies me and keeps me here.

H seems to think he'd have to leave and live in a bedsit to carry on paying for our house. I know that's not fair and won't happen (and have said so) but realistically he would have to buy me out or we'd have to sell and both move for us both to have the space to house the kids.

How does anyone in this situation move forward? It feels so overwhelming I just feel trapped in limbo

Have you thought about 'nesting' OP. The DC would stay they are and you and H would move back and forth to the main home.

This would work well if you have space for a bedroom each in the family home. Then you could have a bedsit each. Or if you have a space like a detached garage that could be converted to a bedsit/ensuite and the other parent could rent a bedsit for their tkne out of the house.

Yes I had been researching this actually. It does sound like a good transition phase though we would (I assume) both have to rent a room elsewhere so financially it would be tight.

I suppose it's more about how I take the plunge and make it clear there's no way back for me so we can get to that stage. H just doesn't seem to be getting it - and keeps saying things like 'get me a cup of tea because you love me' even though I've told him my feelings have changed.

Anyone else finding just actually ending things hard? It would almost be easier if there was another 'incident' so I could have something tangible to hang it on. As it is I have to just make the decision off my own back to implode everyone's lives

I suspect that's how lots of divorces start - not with an explosive incident but just a quiet 'I've had enough'. Go and see a solicitor, chat through the situation and set things in motion. That will force conversations about how you will work things practically.

It might not be straightforward, but there will be a way. The only other option is to stick it and live like this forever - and it doesn't sound like that's what you want.