Intimacy has disappeared

[Jobo111]

Long term poster with NC as I’ve asked for advice from many people so it’s outing on my main account

I have been seeing a great guy for 9 months, everything was fantastic in the first 6 months, then we introduced each other to our DC.
It made our relationship feel more real and all the DC get on amazingly, we have day trips together and have a weekend away upcoming. His DC love coming to visit and their DM is happy.
However since we met each other’s DC intimacy and affection have stopped.
I don’t blame the DC whatsoever, just pinpointing that this was when it began.
He’s a big child himself and loves mucking in with all the DC making them laugh etc. So I think he has got carried away with this new ‘role’ and forgot about us.
Kisses and hugs are far and few between so I feel rejected and unwanted most days. He will hug me and kiss on his terms but I find myself getting annoyed that he will seemingly kiss me back in a begrudging way unless he initiates. I feel like a perverted sex pest for just wanting my partner to touch me.
Sex is a no go, he just either falls asleep or assumes it’s fair game and starts to undress me because I’m trying to kiss him and we’re in bed.
I admitted how I felt to him this week and that I am beginning to resent him because we are losing our chemistry and bond. We have no passion and I’d love nothing more than a good sex session because I’m becoming frustrated, but again I feel like a sex pest for raising the subject.
I assured him it’s not because of our DC but because we aren’t focusing on our relationship anymore. We have plenty of opportunities for alone time so it isn’t that we are run off our feet with DC, as time with them all happens just once a week and my DC are older now so prefer to do their own thing most days.
He apologised and we had sex for the first time in a month, but all I could do was lay there with silent tears rolling down my face. It’s like I’ve gone numb and lost my feelings for him because we have no passion, sex or intimacy anymore. I feel awkward and embarrassed at trying to initiate sex or act how I did in the beginning (sexual and confident essentially).
I understand it’s an exciting time introducing DC to a new partner and I genuinely love our times together, they are great kids, but I have never heard of any relationship drifting because of this. I feel like it’s just me feeling this way because there is a change so I feel terribly guilty. I’m prepared to accept this is my own fault but I can’t explain why I feel the way I do. I just miss the closeness we had and want a healthy decent sex life this early into a relationship.I don’t want us to just be parents with no private life of our own stuck in a sexless relationship with no positives.
Is there anything I can try to snap out of this bitter, angry, resentful emotion I’m feeling right now? Any advice to bring back intimacy or is it too late now I resent him? Tia

Do you think it's because your relationship was something just for you, outside of normal family life? That it was exciting stepping outside of your role as mum and everything that entails and just being you as a woman, getting sexual with a guy? Not that there were no strings, but that there was nothing else but you two and it was exciting for you to just be you for a change. Now you see him as a dad and a family man with a past and see perhaps that his exuberance and excitement isn't just reserved for you. You're not the only one that brings that out in him. And it's made you miss your boyfriend and being adults together but now when you have the opportunity, you're shagging a bloke you've seen rolling around with kids playing silly buggers, not a sexy single bloke whose focus is you and fun and intimacy.

You either want the full package, the full personality- the whole man so to speak, or you want the polished weekend version. It's alright if you don't want a deeper connection or to blend your lives together, but if you think you do and you are still attracted to him, maybe you need to arrange some kind of weekend away and see if the spark still exists.

Thank you, I guess it could be the change but I do love how we are with all the DC, that’s the future I want for us and he’s a great dad which is attractive to me. It’s just the lack of intimacy when we’re alone that is starting to hurt me. We did have a weekend to ourselves recently and I felt the same, we had sex once and I was bored because I knew he only done it for me and not because he was particularly interested. I wonder if it’s similar to what you said but the opposite way, now he sees me as mum he’s not interested in me sexually? Madonna/whore complex? Everything else is great but I’m not happy with the thought of spending my life like this. He knows and yet nothing has changed.

When you spoke to him about it, did he come up with any reasons/excuses as to why sex has gone by the wayside?

I'm wondering if you've basically gone from "my sexy new girlfriend" to "childcare provider"

He said he was tired then couldn’t maintain an erection, and after that any time we did have sex was basically a quickie with no emotion or connection involved so I shut down more and more. He says he’s got comfortable and loves our relationship, however I told him I’m not happy with how much we’ve changed as a couple recently, we shouldn’t just be mum and dad 9 months in. Neither of us know how to fix it and I feel awful basically asking him to f**k me properly and give me some affection!

I'd be concerned about your experience when you went away without the DC. When ours were young sex would be at the top of the agenda if we managed to get away without them for a night. It helped keep the spark alive through the childrearing years. A comfortable relationship without much sexual interest might suit some people but for most of us sex is an important demonstration of love and commitment - the feeling of closeness during and after sex cannot be replicated in any other way IMO.

Sounds frustrating. Could it be the case that with many relationships - they begin with lots of energy and then one person might have a lower libido and the new spark sort of energy fades? Maybe you aren’t compatible? Only speaking from my own experience so take it with a handful of salt. It sounds like the timeframe when the compatibility issues can emerge anyway. I think this sort of thing can make you do resentful so think carefully. Good luck op.

*so not do

6 months is way too soon to introduce anyone to your children.

"I don’t blame the DC whatsoever, just pinpointing that this was when it began".

Eh ? What? 6/9 mths is a massively short time to introduce children. Your DC are totally blameless. What are you even thinking, equating this nonsense with them. This is all your mess.

He’s a big child himself and loves mucking in with all the DC making them laugh etc. So I think he has got carried away with this new ‘role’ and forgot about us.

I think he is twat and should be no where near your kids. What on earth were you thinking?

It shouldn't be this difficult so early on in a relationship

Oh yeah pp make a good point, possibly too much too soon for mixing kids is it not?

@CinstonWhurchill

6 months is way too soon to introduce anyone to your children.

"I don’t blame the DC whatsoever, just pinpointing that this was when it began".

Eh ? What? 6/9 mths is a massively short time to introduce children. Your DC are totally blameless. What are you even thinking, equating this nonsense with them. This is all your mess.

He’s a big child himself and loves mucking in with all the DC making them laugh etc. So I think he has got carried away with this new ‘role’ and forgot about us.

I think he is twat and should be no where near your kids. What on earth were you thinking?

IMO I think that comment is slightly a bit harsh. Before I met my current partner, I was a single mom. I met him and then as time went on, he used to come over of an evening when my children were in bed as to not be around them. This went on for a few months until one of them woke up during the night whilst he was here. So, we made the decision he may as well just meet them. We have been together for 5 years now. Some people have completely different situations. If I didn't have him come over on an evening, I would have probably seen him once a month, if that, because of lack of childcare. Which in return means we probably wouldn't be where we are today. His daughter is treated as my own and same goes for my children with him. There isn't a right or wrong answer as to when you introduce someone. Its whatever feels right for you. OP isn't blaming her children, she was stating that it started after they met. And because he plays silly buggers with the children, that means he shouldn't be around them?? I play silly buggers with my children, does that mean I shouldn't be around them too?

If he is not making the effort to make you feel special and sexually fulfilled less than a year into your relationship it is a massive red flag. Could you take a step back to just the two of you meeting up and going on dates again. He should be all over you at this point in your relationship. Be careful he is not hiding a low sex drive. Does he need to see his GP if he has ED. You will need to get it sorted before you commit, otherwise you will find yourself unhappy in a sexless marriage.

Thanks mom the word I knew someone would be judgemental so I’m choosing to ignore their comments.
Appreciate all advice, I am going to speak to him again and put forward some of your comments in hope I can express myself clearly this time.

@Jobo111

Thanks mom the word I knew someone would be judgemental so I’m choosing to ignore their comments. Appreciate all advice, I am going to speak to him again and put forward some of your comments in hope I can express myself clearly this time.

It's possible that you have very mixed and contradictory feelings. One the one had you enjoy that you've met each other's kids and all that.

On the other, it has triggered something which has greatly changed your relationship together. You might not know what exactly this is but you need to talk together about it and work through it together.

It's possible to feel opposite things simultaneously- in your post you talk a lot about the benefits of being with his kids but little about the downside and how it has changed things.

Maybe you are trying to avoid those feelings?

I presume you are already living together? Maybe it would have been better if you'd lived apart for a while longer, as I read it you moved in together etc at only 3 months. Now your new relationship has been taken over by the day to day drudgery of life when you could have been going on dates etc and spending time together alone with no kids. 9 months is such a short time.

@Jobo111

Thanks mom the word I knew someone would be judgemental so I’m choosing to ignore their comments. Appreciate all advice, I am going to speak to him again and put forward some of your comments in hope I can express myself clearly this time.

There’s always one!

My partner and myself are in a similar situation but it’s me with the low sex drive ever since I had my youngest and it’s also to do with low self esteem. We are currently in the midst of it all. However 5 years, 6 children between us and the youngest two are 10.5 months apart! I’m exhausted ALL the time.

Just put to him how you feel, if he isn’t on the same page then you have the freedom to choose whether you ride it out (no pun intended) or you part ways.

I hope you sort it out!

Sounds to me that it’s a relationship that has just fizzled out.