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Relationships

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Thoughts about this dating situation please....

25 replies

WanderingLost167 · 26/03/2022 09:50

After chatting off and on from a dating site for a considerable period of time, I finally met someone who I had a lovely dinner out with and there was lots of chemistry, and great conversation. He'd told me he had health issues due to an accident, was also living with and caring for his elderly parent who had also had a fall and had a extremely stressful job. But he was keen to see me and we made general plans about the things we'd like to do in the future together.

Due to these constraints though, he's limited in being able to stay over night, or go away for the weekend, so only a few hours together when we have had an evening. He's come over to mine, and he's asked me to go to his rather posh gym and Spa as well (and while it's been his idea I've paid both times to go, a rather hefty day fee).

But last times I've seen him all affection and intimacy has gone (we had slept together on date 3,very successfully). He told me last night that with everything going on with him he feels like there is no joy in anything for him, and it's sucked the fun out of him. He's said he knows I'll want the fun back.

So, we seem to basically have a friendship. This is 6 weeks in. Seeing each other once a week. Thus no sex, and nothing really romantic.

I'm late 40s, as is he. I'm divorced with two kids, and I have limited evenings free.

I do like him, but wonder if this is a situation that is likely to change, or I should just say go sort yourself out and keep in touch?

OP posts:
Imsittinginthekitchensink · 26/03/2022 09:53

Dump him. Never going to improve and if it does it will just be crumbs to keep you going.

Onlyhonest · 26/03/2022 09:53

I don’t see the point myself. Six weeks in and no fun and no sex?

Mermaidwaves · 26/03/2022 10:09

Move on! How do you see this panning out realistically? No sex, no fun, plus he lives with his mother. I've found a lot of men say they live with their parents to care for them when in fact it's the other way round, harsh but do you really want that?

ChickenStripper · 26/03/2022 10:12

He just wants the idea of having a gf but isn't prepared to put the work in.

WanderingLost167 · 26/03/2022 10:14

I think that captures it, he wants to be this fun outgoing man with an active and fun sex life... And I think he has been in the past.

But I don't think he can be that person now.

OP posts:
HaggisBurger · 26/03/2022 10:14

Nah! Loads of red flags even to begin with or certainly things that are too much hassle for a new relationship.

SheKnowsWithoutKnowing · 26/03/2022 11:08

All he can offer you is a few hours a week, no staying over, it hasn't got much of a future. Stick to what you are looking for, I wouldn't waste time on this one.

springtimeishereagain · 26/03/2022 11:09

This isn't what you want. And you're only six weeks in!! I'd move on.

GreyCarpet · 26/03/2022 11:24

Nah, it's not the relationship you want so...

FairyLightAddict · 26/03/2022 12:40

He sounds very married.

Faez · 26/03/2022 12:44

My first thought was married

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/03/2022 12:45

Stop with this whole chatting to people for days and or weeks on end, arrange to meet up far earlier and certainly before you form images on them in your head.

With this individual I would run away far and fast. If this is what he is like after a mere six weeks he is not going to improve any.

Notwithittoday · 26/03/2022 12:47

He laid out his stall early on with the elderly relative and health issues fairy story, You fell for his BS. This isn’t dating. It’s nonsense. You’re late forties??!! You should have more common sense.

Lurking9to5 · 26/03/2022 12:48

He'd sap the life out of you.

PunishmentRoundupWithJoon · 26/03/2022 13:55

Move on. Sounds like a disaster. Too much going on there, and I'm not convinced he's being truthful anyway. The initial stages of a relationship are supposed to be fun and exciting. This sounds like it's anything but that. He's outright told you he doesn't find any joy in life - so he doesn't find joy in you either! Who wants to hear that from a new partner/boyfriend/love interest??! Strongly suspect he's spinning you a line and seeing how much of it you'll swallow so he can get away with treating you like crap.

Dump him.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 26/03/2022 14:00

It sounds like someone else is sucking the fun out of him.

Beachsidesunset · 26/03/2022 14:05

Oh hell, no! Dump and aim higher next time.

Watchkeys · 26/03/2022 14:24

If this is how you want to be treated, stay with him.

DiamondBright · 26/03/2022 15:39

@AttilaTheMeerkat

Stop with this whole chatting to people for days and or weeks on end, arrange to meet up far earlier and certainly before you form images on them in your head.

With this individual I would run away far and fast. If this is what he is like after a mere six weeks he is not going to improve any.

This absolutely.

I learned the hard way, you get attached and before you know it you feel like you're in a relationship with someone you really don't know and it's hard to disengage.

No more than occasional casual conversation for no more than two weeks and no sec talk until you've met in person was my rule. Any longer and you get involved. Unless of course you just want someone for sex talk, if you think you might want to get to know them then no sex talk until you've met. It's very weird meeting someone you've had virtual sex with and finding you don't fancy them.

He sounds like several men I met on line who want a mostly virtual very low maintenance relationship that doesn't involve their giving up their time or money. He's not necessarily married, I had similar issues with men I was 100% certain weren't married.

WanderingLost167 · 26/03/2022 17:02

He's not married, and we spoke for a lot longer - off and on - before we met than two weeks. And yes, that's the issue because I now know I won't get the relationship I want, but I do feel sorry for him. But he could make changes to make his situation better, but isn't. And I'm not going matryr myself. I'll have to tell him it's over

OP posts:
supercali77 · 26/03/2022 17:58

This is why not to speak to someone before meeting for ages....false intimacy. You end up feeling sorry for their narrative. And it's just that as far as anyone knows. A story. The reality could be anywhere from there to married.

WorkHardPlayHard1 · 26/03/2022 19:14

@FairyLightAddict

He sounds very married.
Think the same. Do some investigating then tell the wife.
mycatisannoying · 26/03/2022 22:14

He sounds a right barrel of laughs Confused
Raise the bar and dump him.

mycatisannoying · 26/03/2022 22:15

@ChickenStripper

He just wants the idea of having a gf but isn't prepared to put the work in.
Absolutely this. The online dating world is full of men like this. Too weak to be on their own, but too ill-equipped for a relationship.
99pronouns · 26/03/2022 22:38

He does sound like he's not actually capable of a relationship.

But you sound like you are, so don't waste your time with this one.

(I can't believe he made you pay for a guest pass at his gym! Plus all the money he saves living at his mums? Honestly!)

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