Not giving in to temptation

[TheCurrywurstPrion]

I left my exH a couple of years back and now I’m feeling regret and temptation.

The situation was complicated. It took me a long time to leave, for various practical reasons, but the reasons for leaving were valid and included a degree of psychological abuse towards me and our children.

In other ways though, he was supportive. I was ill for a long time and he was wonderful, patient, looked after me when I needed it. Indeed, his care surprised me as he’d had a tendency when we were younger to dismiss any illness I had, or claim he was just as ill. Presumably he’d learned to be better during our very long relationship. Having heard that many men walk away when their wives are chronically ill, I realise that this was strongly positive.

We shared a lot of interests and got on very well a lot of the time. He was good company and often made social situations easier as he was good at chatting, where I struggle. He used to drink too much, but had cut right back. He travelled a lot and I worked part time, and he had begun to take me with him sometimes. We were looking forward to the time when we were free to travel more.

So now, two years on, I’m struggling living alone. It’s probably partly down to covid, but I moved to a new area and still don’t have any real friends. The children are mostly grown up. They don’t see him much, but he has made efforts to treat them well and has been generous financially (which he often wasn’t when it came to the children when we lived together).

I think I’m struggling more with the loneliness and lack of companionship than anything else. I also find working full time a real slog as my health is much better, but still not perfect. He and I have had a lot of contact lately, for practical reasons, not casual chat. It seems stupid, but I’m fighting the urge to ask him if he’d take me back. The children don’t want me to and I know when we were together, there were times when I felt that staying with him meant ignoring the fact that I know it interfered with my self respect, because I felt I ought to leave him, but didn’t.

Part of the temptation comes from the idea that it would be easier to get back to a stable relationship quickly. The idea of starting from scratch is not appealing, but neither is being alone permanently, and perhaps that’s the problem. If I had friends to do things with, perhaps I’d enjoy life more.

So here I am, in a rut and wondering what to do about it.

If anyone can help me through this, I’d appreciate it.

I beg you not to consider it.

A few things stand out from your posts. One is that, despite the many positives in your relationship, you took the difficult decision of leaving him. There must have beena really good reason, so why would you go back on that now? That reason will still exist, and if you felt strongly enough 2 years ago, why do you think you should put up with it now?

Secondly, and shouting loudest for me, is that your children don't want you to. Whilst your children don't get to make decisions for your, of course, you have to listen to their objections. Because children are more likely to want their parents to get back together, that's their default position. So your children's objections should be treated seriously. The fact he doesn't see much of his children- again, shows they aren't that bothered about him and he isn't a great Dad.

Which leads me to thirdly, you didn't really say why you left, what his behaviour was, but you mentioned physcological abuse towards you and DC. How could you love someone who would abuse your children? I think you should show some solidarity with your children here, and not him.

Lastly, if you ask him to try again - he may say no. But if he says yes, he will have some power over you. From his perspective - he abuses you and DC, you find the strength to leave (which likely surprised him), then after 2 years you come begging, giving him licence to abuse you all over again, but worse (because now he knows you won't leave him for it).

So your life will worse than it was before, not the same. And you'll likely see less of your children, who will wonder why you've gone back to him.

If you think something is missing from life (and many people have that feeling) please try to fill it with something positive, not an abusive person from your past. I know it's easy to say, but much more positive to try new hobbies and interests, or a night class, whatever it is.

Single is better than an unhappy relationship. And whilst you're single you have the chance of finding someone new and having that happy relationship.

Sorry I've gone on, but I really think you would regret going back in time and undoing the good work you've done in getting free of an abusive person.

I can see where you are coming from - perhaps you could have a different relationship with him this time.

Stay financially independent, live in separate households and date. Protect yourself from dependency on him yet have the companionship you miss. This time have the best bits and cut out the drudge and negative stuff.

psychological abuse towards me and our children.

No. Nothing is worth going back to that.

2 years is not that long, especially these last 2. Give yourself some time. Engage in social activities. I have a feeling you might meet someone wonderful.

Sympathies OP 💐

I separated several years ago after a long marriage. I'm quite lonely as all bar one of my friends are married. I sometimes think "was it really that bad? Would the companionship and financial security make it doable?" I also have health issues.

But I would never have left if it hadn't been the right thing to do. I had been lonely in my marriage which is even worse.

Like others have said I think the fact your children have said don't, speaks loads, as often they want parents to reconcile. Psychological abuse is a valid and significant reason to end a relationship.

Can you start one thing that will help you meet people? I am joining a choir next week! I've also looked at meet-up groups and volunteering, but am taking it one thing at a time.

Best wishes

What is his situation now? Has he moved on to a new relationship? Has there been any hint that he's missing you and would be open to a fresh start?

I don't think there should ever be any question of you asking him 'to take me back'. That puts you in a terrible position. If he agreed, he would hold all the cards, you would be in his debt.

Otoh, it's not unheard of for couples to get back together. Sometimes, people are too quick to divorce. Ate the moment, your interactions are strictly business. You could soften a bit, introduce a bit of casual chat and see how it's received.

But, in the meantime, you should absolutely make an effort to widen your social circle with new activities and/or rekindle old interests. You will either find yourself in a position where you stop hankering after the past, or, if you did get back together, it would be more likely to last.

The best comparison I can make is this
More than once I have scrolled through Netflix, only to see a movie that I think I might like
I put it on,only to see I have watched maybe 10 minutes of it previously. I think maybe something had come up and I’d had to go out etc, so I play from the beginning.
I very soon remember why I stopped watching it before, it was rubbish.
If you are not happy the first time round , it’s unlikely the second time will be much better .
He may have changed , but things are different, you are no longer together, live together etc . It’s easy to be fun and lovely in bursts but when it’s 24/7 not so much.
If you want to try again do as pp suggested, keep it light , don’t move back in together. Date him and see how it goes without jumping right back in the deep end and finding yourself back where you were 2 years ago

How come you're not focusing on making new friends, and are instead thinking of going back to someone who psychologically abused you?

Self respect isn't one individual thing that a person has or doesn't have. It's a series of consecutive decisions to do the right thing for you. A series of decisions that demonstrate to you that you are on your side. A series of decisions that demonstrate to you that you've got your own back. That series of decisions can start now.

I don’t have much to add here, but I do want to say thank you very much for the different thoughts offered. What I am really lacking is friends. Normally I would visit one of them and have a coffee and chat and that would help me work things out. All of you who’ve answered have given me some of the perspective I might have gained that way. At some point I will have to make a decision whether to stay where I am, or whether I should move again. For now, I’m committed to staying here until my son is finished at school, which isn’t so very long, but enough to feel a little daunting.

For various reasons, making friends is rather more complicated where I am now than it might be elsewhere (think language and cultural differences, plus it’s quite rural). For clarity, the holes in my CV from being unwell meant that I had to move a very long way, to somewhere where very few things are familiar. Dating my ex is not a possibility, even if I wanted to which, I agree with most of you, would be a backwards step.

I shall look for things to join, though I’m not sure what might be available. To those who pointed out that if I was foolish enough to ask my ex to take me back, I would be putting myself in his debt, thank you. I knew it really, but it helps to have extra reminders. When I left, I actually put a few things in place that made it difficult to return, which is actually helpful. Last time I left, he begged me to come back. This time, I made that much harder for him, and indeed he has never mentioned the possibility of getting back together.

Things are beginning to open up after covid. They’re just moving slower than I’d like, and things are quite tough. I think that’s why the idea of going backwards feels like it’s a light shining in a cave, calling me. It’s easier to see that journey than it is to see another way forward, but I would be foolish to go that way.

Thanks again. You really have made a difference.