Separation (dis)agreement

[Onnymops]

Posting for perspective...

H has instigated a separation agreement and claimed our date of separation was two years ago, although I only removed myself from the marital home at the beginning of Feb. Will the council tax bills be enough to evidence where I was living?

Can anyone tell me how the marital home should be valued for the purpose of a financial settlement? It's in his sole ownership. Cohabited in homes he's owned himself for approximately 13 years, married for 6 and we have two children who I have stayed at home and looked after while also running two businesses as he wouldn't pay for childcare (I couldn't. Don't earn enough).

Purchased 2018. Valued 220k bought for 190.

Approximately 110k left to pay on mortgage.

When he remortgaged at the end of a 3 year fix in June last year the bank valuation was £220k and the payments dropped by £50 a month.

He presumably wants to say we separated Feb 2020 to minimise the value of the equity in the house. He wants to keep the marital home. Would a calculation of equity be done on £190k (80k equity) or 220k (110k equity) for a financial settlement?

I want two years separation before divorce to give me a chance to get into a position where someone would lend to me for a mortgage before I receive any large sum of cash as it affects my entitlement to universal credit, which I need in order to be able to house myself while I increase my earnings. Really don't want to pour away settlement cash on rent and I won't be in a position to borrow until 2024. I won't get anything like half the equity in the house but I would like to leave with a hefty deposit for a 1 bed flat. I'm likely to be able to buy something decent for under £60k here.

Any and all comments would be welcome. I'm at my wit's end because what he really wants is for me to quietly go away with an 8k van which I need in order to work. I sort of feel 13 years and and the two kids I gave him are worth a bit more than that.

Who are the kids going to live with?

As everyone always says on these threads, you need proper legal advice. But why won't you "get anything like half the equity in the house"? You have two children and have compromised your career for family life. I think that justifies a decent settlement.

You need to get proper legal advice and I am not qualified but have read up on some of this as I’m going through a divorce myself right now. I don’t think he can claim you moved out 2 years ago if you didn’t move until last month.

You are married with children so it does not matter that he owns it (but where the children will live is relevant). You would be entitled to a share of the equity (£110k) and the starting point is always 50:50 and it sounds like your marriage and relationship is long enough that all assets would be considered joint.

Who will the children live with? That is important.

What other assets are there? You mention a van. What about pensions? Savings? Business? Other properties? You are entitled to your share of it all. You are also both liable for any debts the other runs up until divorce. Be careful that you don’t give him time to squirrel and hide away assets in the 2 years.

I don’t think separating for 2 years first would work in your favour in terms of divorce anwyay. At the moment you may be deemed to have a higher need than him for equity and/or he may be ordered to pay you maintenance to help you get back on your feet. In two years you will have sorted yourself out so the courts would deem that your needs are less.

Lots of solicitors give some initial free advice so I’d phone a few for a chat and I would then look for someone who would give you a fixed fee initial appointment where you can go through all of your options.

Kids will stay with him. It's what he wants and if I have to increase my earnings I'll work 12 hours a day for nine months of the year (seasonal industry). I won't be able to afford to house them anyway.

I won't get anything like half the equity in the house because he can't afford to give me half without selling it, which would mean uprooting the kids and having him hate me more than he already does. I know he won't sell it as he views it very much as his and his only. I think I might have a chance of him being able to remortgage to give me maybe £25k but that'll be about it.

The whole situation is as it is because he's completely belligerent over the house and the kids. As far as he's concerned they're exclusively his and I am surplus to requirements.

I am beginning to realise I'm quite intimidated by him and I just want to get away now. I just can't face the thought of having lost my home, the access to the children I believe is best for them (to stay in one house and not be shuttled as they're too young) and any prospect of ever having any security. I'm trying to aim for the best of a bad lot here.

I have a solicitor who is going to help with a counter-proposal. I'm mostly looking to the MN hive mind for others experiences and perspectives.

Feeling a bit defeated today

Thank you to mumof3 for your input. Perhaps I am being too reasonable? No other asset as far as I know except his pensions.

legal advice it is the only way forward here to work out what you are owed and I suspect it is more than you think

OP this is sounding very much like an abusive situation. Why are you so relaxed about giving up your children? Have you spoken to anyone about your relationship?

Yes, I am now beginning to realise that it has been to some extent coercively controlling. My husband is very keen to point out what a nice person he is. That probably tells me everything I need to know.

I'm not especially relaxed about giving up the children. I have asked for him to move out and into rented and I'd pay the mortgage on the family home and look after the children there. I'm determined they shouldn't be shipped between houses. It's a disaster. He doesn't want that. He's staying put.

He actively enjoys parenting. I don't. I never have and truthfully, it's my sincerest regret that I had them. I thought I would be better at it than I am and I have a huge sense of failure over the situation. He's never allowed me to parent them, I've just been there when he was at work and then shoved out the way and undermined when he is there, so I guess I've disengaged. It's easier than fighting and less painful in some ways. I'll happily take them on in a housing situation which is appropriate, but I can't provide that so they'll stay with him. I think if I went for custody he'd raise questions over my fitness to parent. I went through enough when they were born. Can't face it again.

This sounds really really dodgy OP. The fact the house is in his name despite you being married screams controlling to me. It’s not just his. Don’t leave your children with him! They’re not just his either. You will feel intimidated because he sounds abusive and domineering. Talk to friends IRL and a solicitor urgently. You are entitled to his pension and the shared marital assets. He doesn’t get you as unpaid labour to raise his children! Your career took a hit because you gave up work; I bet his didn’t. Time to get angry and know your worth! Keep posting. A lot us have been through this abusive crap and we’re further on than you and can help.

Do you have any support in real life OP? This sounds so sad.

Are you planning to actually see the children regularly? The amount of contact with them will also affect the financial agreement.

Just read your update. He has actively prevented you from parenting! He has been preparing for this. We need more information. Was he always controlling? Did he push for children? Two close together when you’d not recovered from the first so you were even more vulnerable?

Where will the children be when he is working?

You are not a bad mum! You obviously love your children because you want what’s best for them… you’re listening to much to your abusive husband. I think you are entitled to much more than you are thinking. Get proper legal advice when you know ALL his assets. If the children were with you then you would have the space to reconnect. If not it’s likely he will turn them against you because he’s an abusive twat. Of course he wants to walk away with nothing, but 16 years and 2 kids is not nothing!!! Get some counselling so you can get your self worth back and get angry with the twat. You are worth it, and deserve to have an outcome and a life that reflects that

I’m sorry OP but actually this isn’t best for your children - they need two parents and a Mum
Get legal advice on both fronts

Have you moved out already

Oh gosh,thank you everyone. There's such a lot there. I'm so grateful for all your support and encouragement.

I will get in touch with the solicitor next week and ask for some more advice. I know this isn't best for the kids. I just need someone to fight on my behalf. I really had hoped we could do this amicably, but I can see it's only going to be amicable if I commit an act of self abandonment. I think he's got a dreadful shock coming.

I have a lunch date with my son this afternoon but I promise I'll read and respond whenever I can.

How old are the children?

I think you need some advice from a domestic abuse charity. This does all sound extremely coercive and more -

"Domestic abuse is behaviour from a family member, partner or ex-partner. It can include:

physical or sexual abuse

violent or threatening behaviour

psychological or emotional abuse

coercive behaviour - for example, humiliation or intimidation

controlling behaviour - for example, making someone feel less important or dependent on the abuser

'economic abuse' - this includes controlling someone's possessions or how they earn or spend money"

There is a list of organisations that can help here: www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/gender-violence/domestic-violence-and-abuse-getting-help/