Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mother's Day... Bereaved and feeling forgotten

20 replies

writergirl007 · 25/03/2022 15:40

My mum died in May last year, fairly sudden. It's been tough and obviously this mother's day will be the first without her. I don't have kids so there's not that distraction.

I'm going away for the weekend with some school friends - we all still see each other a lot and close. But they seem to have forgotten I might be struggling. The WhatsApp group is all about clubbing plans. I don't like clubs at the best of times but go along because I feel pressured to (we're in our 40s). I said I wasn't up for clubbing but no one has responded to that message in any way. I just can't deal with the 'forced fun' aspect of it all, or loud music or gropey men. Or a late night - my sleeping is terrible and I'm wrecked.

I can handle dinner/pub etc but that's it. I feel like the pressure will be on for a 'big one' but it's really not my scene and definitely not this weekend.

Any thoughts on how to handle my lovely but pushy friends? They all have kids and live in rural places to tend to go mad off the leash. I feel like I'll be spoiling everyone's fun and just feel like not going. The other option is just firmly decline at clubbing time and return alone to the hotel (fine with me, won't be with them).

Sunday I am seeing my sister and her family, so still doing a family mother's day thing, not that any of my friends have asked. A couple of them have lost their mums too but I'm the only one who's lost both parents.

Just wanted a whinge, feeling pretty crap.

OP posts:
StrangeCondition · 25/03/2022 15:48

Well you could suggest a meal/drinks first and the ones who want to go clubbing can do that but they need to be OK with the fact you don't, if they are true friends they should understand. If no-one's up for that then you need to decide whether or not to go as sadly you can't expect them to change their plans to suit you Sad

Sorry for your loss

howcanthisbeit · 25/03/2022 15:50

Sorry for the loss of your mum, OP Thanks

Is there anyone in the group who you are particularly close to? Could you ask one of them to give the others a heads up on how you are feeling? That you want to go and have a nice time, (I guess you could do with the distraction) but you won't be going clubbing and you may be a little more subdued than the others. That they need to just concentrate on their own fun and leave you be to make the right decisions for you on the day?

writergirl747474 · 25/03/2022 15:53

We're going for a meal/drinks first.
I'm not expecting them to change their plans for me - but expect they will be pushing for me to join them in a club and that's the bit I find hard. I'm disappointed no one responded to my WA saying I wasn't up for clubbing - we could have had the conversation on there today rather than drunkenly over the weekend.

BeHappy91818 · 25/03/2022 15:54

Don’t go ?

writergirl747474 · 25/03/2022 15:55

@howcanthisbeit

Sorry for the loss of your mum, OP Thanks

Is there anyone in the group who you are particularly close to? Could you ask one of them to give the others a heads up on how you are feeling? That you want to go and have a nice time, (I guess you could do with the distraction) but you won't be going clubbing and you may be a little more subdued than the others. That they need to just concentrate on their own fun and leave you be to make the right decisions for you on the day?

That is good advice, thank you.

Yes, I am close to them all in different ways and I could have this chat with one or two of them beforehand maybe.

BeHappy91818 · 25/03/2022 15:55

@writergirl747474

We're going for a meal/drinks first. I'm not expecting them to change their plans for me - but expect they will be pushing for me to join them in a club and that's the bit I find hard. I'm disappointed no one responded to my WA saying I wasn't up for clubbing - we could have had the conversation on there today rather than drunkenly over the weekend.
That’s because they all want to go clubbing….
howcanthisbeit · 25/03/2022 15:56

You'll just need to say you are bowing out at that point, and be firm as to why.

Tell them you don't want to spoil anyones fun, and you don't expect anyone else to miss out by staying with you, but it's what you're doing.

Honestly, any grief from them, cut your losses.

writergirl747474 · 25/03/2022 15:57

@BeHappy91818

Don’t go ?
That feels... tempting but extreme. I just want a chilled out no pressure weekend. It's fair to say I am the lightest drinker of the group these days so not a massive fan when the activity is "drinking" or partying. I prefer to do something else with drinks a by-product IFSWIM
AtrociousCircumstance · 25/03/2022 16:00

You need to tell them. They’re your friends but they’re not thinking Mother’s Day weekend, they’re thinking friends get together weekend, yay!

Say exactly what you need from them and tell them Mother’s Day will be tough for you this year. Just be open and honest.

AtrociousCircumstance · 25/03/2022 16:00

And sorry for your loss Flowers

writergirl747474 · 25/03/2022 16:14

@AtrociousCircumstance

You need to tell them. They’re your friends but they’re not thinking Mother’s Day weekend, they’re thinking friends get together weekend, yay!

Say exactly what you need from them and tell them Mother’s Day will be tough for you this year. Just be open and honest.

Thank you.

Yes, I think I need to be clearer. All I said so far was "no clubbing"... with no context. I'm looking forward to seeing them but just know there will be pressure for having a big weekend when I just need a chilled weekend.

Sunnyday321 · 25/03/2022 16:22

I'm sorry for your loss . I'm sure you will remember Christmas just past ( and the first without your mum ) as quite hard ? The truth is all ' first ' significant dates are hard to get through but you will manage to get through them and as time goes on it will ease a little. Spend a few quiet moments remembering your mum , and be in the knowledge there are loads of us going through the same so you are not alone in missing her on Mother's day.

layladomino · 25/03/2022 17:21

I'm sorry for your loss.

It sounds like this week end has been planned so they can let their hair down, go clubbing, dance til dawn etc. It wouldn't be fair to expect them to change their plans. If the week end sounds awful to you (it would to be too) then either bow out (and you can be honest about your reasons) or be clear you'll join them for meal and drinks but not clubs, then stick to that. If they are decent friends they won't try to bully you in to doing something you don't want to do.

As some of your friends have lost their mums, they will know the same grief that you are feeling, they likely still feel it. So they will understand.

AtrociousCircumstance · 25/03/2022 17:25

Aw OP. If you explain, I’m sure your friends will bend over backwards to support your choice to leave before clubbing.

SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows · 25/03/2022 17:28

OP how come you changed your user name?

Littlemissprosecco · 25/03/2022 17:32

If they’re true fiends they’ll listen, tell them how you feel.💐

Original poster
writergirl007 · 25/03/2022 17:33

Oops....I had an account from ages ago and seem to have switched between the two on PC/phone. Not intentional.

Thanks for all your replies.

OP posts:
Muddlebubble · 25/03/2022 18:33

Im so sorry, i lost my lovely mum 6 months ago, also my dad passed away 14 years ago. Im 38 and agree the thought of clubbing turns my stomach, couldn't think of anything worse.

Alot of my friends love the all nighters but i don't, I've like you went along with it but felt a huge bore, so i now decline and offer dinner and drinks in pub another time.

I think if you explain they will understand, it is your first mothers day wothout your mum and many may not get it or wasn't close to there's but that is absolutely fine.
I've really started to not try people please as much anymore, definitely thinking of myself instead.

Lot's of love to you on sunday

Original poster
writergirl007 · 25/03/2022 18:59

@Muddlebubble

Im so sorry, i lost my lovely mum 6 months ago, also my dad passed away 14 years ago. Im 38 and agree the thought of clubbing turns my stomach, couldn't think of anything worse.

Alot of my friends love the all nighters but i don't, I've like you went along with it but felt a huge bore, so i now decline and offer dinner and drinks in pub another time.

I think if you explain they will understand, it is your first mothers day wothout your mum and many may not get it or wasn't close to there's but that is absolutely fine.
I've really started to not try people please as much anymore, definitely thinking of myself instead.

Lot's of love to you on sunday

Thanks, that's a lovely message. I am sorry for the loss of both your parents. I find it hard to articulate why clubbing in particular seems so dire. Or maybe it's just the need for self care right now stops me wanting to join in and please people like I used to. I'm a sociable person, like pubs, I just find nightclubs grim.

I'm 48 so also just feel too old. And I think losing both parents kind of ages you in some ways, probably being no one's child anymore.

OP posts:
Muddlebubble · 27/03/2022 13:23

I feel ya, i definitely feel aged.

I hope you have managed to have a nice day regardless

New posts on this thread. Refresh page