Please help me manage friendship

[Libre2]

I don’t want to fall out with my friend. We have been friends for over 20 years and speak daily on the phone; we don’t live near one another but holiday together a couple of times a year. However, I am so disappointed with how she’s supported me (or not, as I feel) over my DD’s type 1 diabetes. DD was diagnosed last year when she was 10 and it was a very scary time. We are getting there with learning how to manage it, but it is not straight forward; everything she eats has to be accounted for and calculated, we have to constantly be on top of blood sugar levels. It is exhausting for her and for us. She’s doing amazingly and I’m very proud of her, but it has not been an easy time physically or emotionally.

My friend is very dismissive of my worries over DD’s condition. She (friend) has type 2 diabetes and therefore apparently fully understands it. She says she knows that DD has to carb count and inject etc but at least she can eat what she wants whereas she (friend) has to be really careful with food. The latest is that she thought I was “taking the piss” by applying for a queue skip pass for DD at a theme park that she’s going to with a friend for a birthday treat in the summer holidays. It has been granted by the theme park with the backing of her diabetes nurse but it just really hurt that that’s the way my friend feels. (The reason it’s granted is because if DD has a hypo whilst in the queue, she will have to leave to treat it and then loses her place in the queue – which would be a total pain as it could potentially happen several times during the day).

I love my friend dearly and I really don’t want to fall out. Do I just accept that that’s the way she feels and never discuss DD’s condition with her?

Hi, OP,

That sounds tough and I'm pleased you and your DD are getting to grips with her diagnosis.

What's your friend's family situation like? Has she been through challenges with her own children / family members?

@EinsteinaGogo

Hi, OP,

That sounds tough and I'm pleased you and your DD are getting to grips with her diagnosis.

What's your friend's family situation like? Has she been through challenges with her own children / family members?

Not really no. She has a very stable and settled family life with 2 teen DDs who are all healthy and doing well at school.

You dont need to justify your dds health needs to others. I would just not discuss it with her. If she makes any comments just say I wont discuss it.

How has she been with you previously, OP?

In what way does she usually react to challenges, problems, worries you have and share with her?

That sounds hard for you. My mum always says about relationships, expect an 80:20 ratio of what you like and don't like / disagree with. If the friendship is mostly good stuff, ignore the things you don't agree on.

I guess this would mean not engaging in convos about your DD's health and how you manage it. It sounds like your friend is happy to be completely honest with her opinions (by saying the taking the piss bit) but you could choose to ignore anyway. If you're that good friends you could say, yeah we're doing what we think works for now, could be wrong but it's what we're doing now. And don't engage further.

Hope it doesn't become a deal-breaker as it would be v sad to lose a friend of such long-standing. Also you're still getting used to DD's needs and will be for some years probably. I'd go to someone else for support about this one thing and maintain the friendship and see how it goes over time.

That sounds tough. I expect she thinks she knows the diabetes experience, but may not realise that there are differences with type 1/2, having a child with it versus having it yourself. It might be that she isn’t the right person to talk to about it, as her own experience may make it a blind spot in a weird way. That is, if she’s normally supportive of you.