Boyfriend split with me because of children and guilt

[K8smith1]

Hi everyone,
I met my boyfriend a few months ago and we immediately clicked. We made each other very happy, by our own admissions, and he spent as much time as possible with me; allowing for seeing his children first. To be clear i was never, and quite rightly, prioritised over his two girls aged 8 and 11.
His circumstances are that he split with his wife and they sold the family home. She has moved into rented and he is awaiting his new home to be ready (bought.) Currently he lives with his parents but has slept every night at mine.
He is a very genuine and lovely man. Last week I learnt that his ex wanted him back. She had asked him twice and on the second occasion, when he again said no, his eldest overheard. She was obviously devastated and kept asking her dad why he didnt love them. He told me and that he had to consider if he needed to go back to the family for the children. Out of loyalty to them. He also mentioned it was clear his daughter wasnt ready for him to date.
Of course I was and am heartbroken. He said after 24hrs that he wasnt going back but that he couldnt be with me so as to give 100% to his daughters. That he still loves me and if she hadnt heard the conversation where he told his ex (she already knew) that he had met someone else, we wouldnt be in this position and would still be together.

My question is if anything similar has happened to anyone else. I've decided to give him some space without contact to see if that helps alleviate any pressure. I am madly in love with him and just hope he can consider that I can support him in his new chapter, rather than make things worse.

Mmmmmh... What's that I smell - Eau de Merde Boeuf...?

I somehow doubt that he is that entirely selfless and properly disentangled from his ex wife. But far easier to use the kids as reason. My advice is to run and keep on running.

I’ve been the him in this situation - although I wasn’t in love with the guy. To be honest, my head was a right mess and I realised I wasn’t ready for dating because I felt like I was cheating on my kids. And if I’m honest I wasn’t over my ex enough, even though I knew we could never work as a family.

I don’t know what to advise but it sounds like he has been fair and honest with you. It’s early days for the two of you - I would let him you know that you would still like it to work between you and let him decide if that is something he would like to.

Is he fairly recently separated?

How long had he been separated? Sounds like it was reasonably fresh?

Tbh op, a few months in and you are 'madly in love' and he has been living with you every night...

Sounds mega rushed and full on. Love bomber alert.

Assuming its all above board and not the case that he is feeding you bs, you've still had a lucky escape by the sounds of things as well sounds messy.

Out of interest, did he contribute towards your bills and pay his way whilst he lived with you most of the time? Something to think about.

Either way it sounds like it was an unhealthy whirlwind and at best, he should have known better than to get involved so deeply with someone else if going back was a possibility (or even a possibility to be considered).

Write him off op. And consider why you've fell so hard, so fast. Because that in itself is odd.

i havent been in this position , but i think you are well out of it harsh as that sounds , you might be madly in love with him now , but it sounds like his children are still devestated over the split and even if you were to get back with him , i think the madly in love feeling would wear off pretty quickly once you found yourself eventually faced with two children who might very well resent you , even though werent the other woman they might have lots of difficult feelings about seeing their dad with someone else not their mum , and the ex wouldnt be making things too easy either if he were to be with you .

it sounds a raw messy situation that i reckon your better off out of , if it didnt affect you now in the few months you were with him , it could very well if you were to get back together with him for the long haul

He split with his wife last summer. After two years of being in an unhappy relationship.
Ok, madly in love wasnt the right phrase. In love. And very happy. I know him sleeping here each night is unorthodox. But I think it was his way of having time with me without losing time with his children. I also work shifts and he works long hours so it was a way of being able to see each other. Otherwise some time may have passed.
It was not an unhealthy love bomb type interaction. I'm not naive to that and have had a lot of experience to be able, I hope, to see that a mile off. He was just genuine with his feelings, consistent and heartfelt. Not over the top and showy.

I've responded above. I'm not very good at using this

I dont know that I've fell hard or fast. Just fell in love. Bare in mind he was here each evening. I've spent more time with him in the few months than most. So I can see your point of view, but ultimately whether you agree or dont with how quickly our feelings grew, my question was about what to do next.

I hoped there may be some experience of being in my situation, or in his.

It sounds to me like a convenient excuse to end things OP. I am sorry.

You are doing the right thing by taking a step back and not contacting him. Even if he does return, chances are this will keep happening.

OP I am in similar boat. Ex was not married but has DD with his ex. From what he has always told me there is no relationship there, was always volatile. Had seen how volatile it was throughout the course of our relationship and he would never speak about her in a nice way. Every step of the way she threw a spanner in our relationship and I was expected to grin and bear it. If I ever disagreed with how he approached something I was kicked to the kerb.

I have met his DD and we get along famously. So nothing to do with her not being ready to move on as she was so young when they split.

I have to wonder now whether he still has feelings for her. He has pushed me away for the last time claiming he needs to be on his own.

Although I guess I have no DC. I don't understand the emotional burden of trying to keep everyone happy I guess. As I was just throwing myself into keeping him and I happy. But I definitely feel completely disposable because we were supposedly in love and building a life and I don't get how the ex can have such a burden on that if he actually did love me. I have been doing a bit of soul searching on whether I was just love bombed too and convenient for a while. If that weren't the case, I don't understand why we wouldn't just work together to find a way through.

Honestly best thing to do here is to let him go. I think he is very confused.
I was 100% sure I'd never go back to exDH within weeks of splitting. So even when he begged me 6 months later, though I was single I still didn't. He even said I should for sake of DD. But it was a firm no.
The longer a separation is drawn out, the worse it affects children. The whole back and forth is not good for them.
In this case the decision isn't your but u can decide whether to move forward with him or not.
I'd take a step back for now and let him sort his life out with his family. Sorry but its the best that you can do

The thing is, either it's all an excuse to end things, in which case goodbye and good riddance. Or it's genuinely a real heartache for him, in which case the only option for you is to gracefully step away and leave him to it. Sorry that there aren't better options for you.

@K8smith1

I dont know that I've fell hard or fast. Just fell in love. Bare in mind he was here each evening. I've spent more time with him in the few months than most. So I can see your point of view, but ultimately whether you agree or dont with how quickly our feelings grew, my question was about what to do next.

I hoped there may be some experience of being in my situation, or in his.

kindly , i dont think theres anything you can do next , just leave it be , if he wants to contact you then he will and go from there , even if there is someone on here with experiance of being in this situation regardless of if its yours or his , everyone is different , people can share their experiance ,but it wont mean that yours or his will be the same reaction or outcome .

if he does contact you i would be wary for your own sake , i mean this nicely , i was contacted by someone i knew had always liked me this was back when i was 32 , he was fresh out of his marriage breakup , i went straight in abosolutly over the moon and couldnt start seeing him quick enough , and i really didnt have any clue what it would pan out like , chucked in my job , moved up to him from east london to bucks , and soon found out that his 8 year old son that he had every weekend was traumatised by his parents split , utterly resented the fact i was there living in his parents house , as his ex had been the one to move out , and his ex was cold and distant with me as she probably had her own feelings about the fact that months after she had left her ex husband had moved in another woman ,

it was a painful situation , it lasted 2 years ,by the time i realised id made a big mistake it was too late to correct it , going back to east london was now impossible , so i just moved out , i did recover from it , but i look back now and think what a fool i was to have got involved in that horribly messy situation when i could have just met a bloke that didnt have all that baggage and emotionl turmoil to deal with

if he contacts you and wants to give it another go , just tread carefully op , dont rush in to anything , dont be me xx