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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need to decide

16 replies

GeorgesMuppet · 24/03/2022 14:21

I’ve been seeing my partner for nearly 4 years but we don’t live together. He lives with his Mum and is a Mummy’s Boy. This doesn’t bother me as I don’t like his OCD and temper so I’m happy to let others have that while I get the good parts.

However he makes little effort in the relationship, of course he claims he goes all out on birthdays and Christmas but I feel this is more to satisfy the inner child himself.

He is golf obsessed and while it’s boring to listen to I don’t mind as he’s quite overweight and needs the exercise. He wasn’t overweight when we started dating but it’s unfair to be shallow.

My issue is that golf comes first. He will avail of golfing at every opportunity before he will see me. He’s even lied about playing which makes me think he knows he has a problem.

He has depression and OCD which I’m aware are mental health problems. For about 9 months he took anti depressants which make him awful and my life a complete misery. I really feel like everything is all about him. My family have seen this and do not want me to have him as a partner. They said I changed from happy go lucky person to an unhappy and snappy person. They still think I’m very unhappy now. They believe he brings me down and that he makes everything all about him and I deserve better.

Yet he has a good side and it’s this side of him that keeps me in this relationship. His Mum is sweet and begs me to stick with him because no one else will have him due to his issues.

So, in our entire relationship we have never had a holiday. There have been many golf breaks where we stay in a rubbish hotel but I don’t want that. I took him for a lovely break and he brought his clubs. He’s never taken me out to dinner and confesses he’s an emotional disaster. He has lived with his Mum for over 50 years and blames that. His relationships never last but he claims he really wants one. He was on dating sites for years and years which shows how desperate he was to have a real relationship so when he gets an articulate, intelligent, warm and fun partner like he wanted why does he behave like this.

Side note - for the second Christmas gift he bought me a suitcase which has never been used. It was funny at first but not now.

Last week he was invited to a golfing holiday in Marrakesh. He instantly said yes, no consultation with me first. No, I don’t own him but I’m absolutely furious given we have never had a single holiday. He defended himself by inviting me along afterwards.

If we lived together he could play as much golf as he wanted, but given we live apart I think he should make more time for me. He takes me for granted, doesn’t consider my feelings but how can I make him see that?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/03/2022 14:28

"He lives with his Mum and is a Mummy’s Boy. This doesn’t bother me as I don’t like his OCD and temper so I’m happy to let others have that while I get the good parts".

What good parts are you getting?. What good side of him are you seeing here?. You do not give any specific examples and your family also dislike him. His mum is just relieved you have taken him under your wing so she does not have to deal with her son.

You are not describing a relationship here and you're also acting as a rescuer and or saviour to him. There is NOTHING good about seeing him and besides which you need a partner, not a project to pour yourself into until there is nothing of you left but a husk of your former self. Look at what you are doing to yourself here; I would think you barely recognise you.

Is he all you think you deserve from a relationship?. Just how low is your relationship bar here that you cling on to this man?.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/03/2022 14:35

"He was on dating sites for years and years which shows how desperate he was to have a real relationship"

No no and no again.

"so when he gets an articulate, intelligent, warm and fun partner like he wanted why does he behave like this".

Because he can and you let him; he is a permanent dater. It’s like they’re just trying on shoes for size and reminding themselves that they’re not big babies because they still live at home with their mothers. You’re his beard that gives him a semblance of normality because some of these guys do have enough connection to become worried about how they are perceived.

I am yet to come across a man living with his mother that is able to have a healthy relationship with a girlfriend. And you do not even seem to be that. Often women do find themselves dating these men, believing that it’s just the love of a good woman that has stood between him and the act of packing his bags and moving out.

Most guys with a healthy relationship with their mother and a fairly decent level of connection to their emotions, definitely do not want to be living with their mother past their mid to late twenties; thirty at a push.

AtrociousCircumstance · 24/03/2022 14:38

God almighty. End this appalling relationship. Surely having written it all out you can see how obvious it is that you can’t continue with him?

PriestessofPing · 24/03/2022 15:04

You can’t make him see anything. He knows what he’s like and the women in his life (you, his Mum) collude together to put up with him so he’s got zero incentive to change - why should he when he can get whatever he is getting out of his limited time with you, and take out his shitty temper on his mother?

Newestname002 · 24/03/2022 15:19

His Mum is sweet and begs me to stick with him because no one else will have him due to his issues.

This is not a good reason to stay with anyone OP, let alone a "partner"! (He's not anyone's partner, actually, is he?)

I suspect his mother is relieved she doesn't have him to herself 100% - close though!

You are wasting your energy and your life in this non-event of a man. Frankly, your life without him in it would be an improvement. 🌹

NewDayNewLife · 24/03/2022 17:54

Hi OP, I'm sorry that you are in this situation. You've received some great advice. I just wanted to add: I know it's hard when you're in the midst of a situation but I would try to take seriously what your family has said about how they perceive you changing from happy-go-lucky to unhappy and snappy. When I was in the midst of a difficult relationship, my sibling mentioned I used to hum a lot but that I didn't anymore and it was not until much, much later I saw that the 2 could be connected. What his mum thinks or doesn't think is irrelevant to your own mental health, as sweet as she might be. And while he saves his temper for his mum now (nobody should be treating their mum or anyone so poorly for that matter), that temper could be turned to you, if it hasn't already.

HellToTheNope · 24/03/2022 17:56

Why are your standards so, so low? It's horrifying that you're wasting your life with this man.

Closetbeanmuncher · 25/03/2022 00:27

His Mum is sweet and begs me to stick with him because no one else will have him due to his issues

Sorry but I missed the part where that is your problem?? You'll probably find she is sick to death of his temper tantrums and her longterm angle is to get him to move in with you....

You're wasting valuable time you could be using to find a suitable life partner (if that is your aim) by attempting to polish a turd.

You need to have a good think on this OP.

PickAChew · 25/03/2022 00:32

He's not a project or charity case. I'm sure plenty of serial killers have a good side. Putt yourself out of your misery and flip him the birdy.

phizog · 25/03/2022 00:33

NO

phizog · 25/03/2022 00:34

Please leave him.

Shelaydownunderthetable · 25/03/2022 00:37

Honestly, is being with him better than being single? What does he bring to your life? You say he has a good side - what does that look like? You didn’t mention anything even vaguely desirable about him.

FlowerArranger · 25/03/2022 00:45

After years on MN I am still astonished at some of the shit that I read about here. Why would anyone put up with this?

OP - he isn't your partner, this isn't a relationship in the true sense of the word, and you are getting FA out of being with this waste of space. So why on earth do you stay? 4 years of your one and only precious life - just why? Add up the hours and think what you could have done during this time...

MenaiMna · 25/03/2022 00:59

Your whole post:you could not articulate what about him makes you happy which pretty much means he doesn't (make you happy). A vague line about good Xmas and birthday presents followed by the line that he selfishly chooses things he'd enjoy. There's nothing there! Hes not even a good friend to you. I think you knew that even before you started writing but if you're looking for permission to throw him back to mummy- everyone here says yes ! Do it! You sound great be great for yourself!

FavouritePi · 25/03/2022 01:44

I can't see why you want to continue this relationship with him, you don't seem like you like him very much.

If you lived with him, he'd still have the same problems, golf would still come first and you'd never get a holiday because his hobby holidays would come first.

Re-read your OP and pretend you are giving advice to a friend about their relationship.

Ellie56 · 25/03/2022 12:32

Why are you putting up with this shit?

You can do so much better.

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