Mother smothers me - I'm 38

[RoseWrites]

My mother raised me and my siblings my herself and sacrificed her career, and never remarried, as she said she wanted to concentrate on us. Money was always an issue growing up, and mum was often stressed about that, but overall, we had a really happy childhood.

She shared everything with us about finances, her mood, etc. At the time I thought we were close, but now I feel like it set up some unhealthy boundaries between us.

Me and my sister are now her therapist, confidant, friend, and she demands so much time and attention.

She will call me incessantly and when I answer it will be about nothing i.e. she has bought Easter Eggs, someone she knows is moving house, or she saw a blackbird in the garden. If I don't answer she will text me asking me to call her.

She won't get any medical help, but she's definitely depressed/suffers from some form of anxiety disorder. She worries about anything, even stuff that isn't real i.e. she'll call me and tell me not to worry about work/family/etc, when I literally have expressed zero concern in anyway.

She used to call me and tell me she wanted to die, she'd wail and shout, and then hang up. I'd freak out and worry, and then she'd eventually answer her phone hours later and be as right as rain and laugh off the incient. She doesn't do that now as I said it was too upsetting. I honestly think it was manipulative but I don't dare say she is manipulative as I'll never hear the end of it.

If I say anything approaching "criticism" she will call my siblings and say how horrible I'm being, and then they will have a go at me. I admit, I used to do the same thing, but now take all of her criticisms of them with a pinch of salt, or say I don't want to talk about them/say I've got to go and end the call.

And she is full of self pity, constantly getting upset that I don't live closer (I haven't for over 20 years), that everyone else sees their family more, her friend's children do more for thier parents, everyone else has more money, etc. But I'm sure even if I lived next door, they'd be something else to feel sorry for herself about.

Whens she's not telling me something mundane, crying or telling me not to worry, she will go on and on about how she loves me, and then list every person she nows and say how much they love me She also texts me at least twice a day to tell me how much she loves me. I find it absolutely suffocating.

I know that a) I'm lucky to have a mother who loves me and b) it could be a lot worse.

But I'm getting worn down by the drama, and I increasingly sad that we just can't have a "normal" conversation.

Thank you if you've read this far! Any advice?

I really sympathies with you that sounds very tough going. If you can face it, then I'd sit here down and I'd gently tell her that she has to join a club, reading group, gardening, local church to develop some of her own friends as you feel she relies on you too heavily. Tell her that it is imperative that she have her own life away from her daughters.

You can't control her, but you can control how you respond, or not, to her. You are also in control of whether you choose to keep enabling her ridiculous behaviour. I would be taking a massive, massive step back, and I would tell her why. You will have to severely limit contact until she learns to manage her behaviour because you are at the end of your tether. She may be your mother, but she in not entitled to manipulate your life like this.

You can't control her actions but, as has been said, you can choose how you respond. I assume you have your own life, whatever form that takes - work, interests, friends, partner etc. could you use those things as a way of stepping back - work is busy, seeing friends, going away for a holiday etc - and tell her you can't/won't respond when you're busy.

Oh Jesus my mother used to be the same.

It got the point where I said to her firmly that it cannot continue. I wasn't her friend - but her daughter and that she needed to start branching out and finding hobbies. I stopped talking to her for a few months.
The penny dropped and she apologised. She now does volunteering three times a week, goes to a book club, keeps herself busy gardening and W.I and is very very happy and made lots of new friends to the point where it's hard to get hold of her.
You gotta be firm op. It's not healthy behaviour.

Sounds really tough. I found this podcast v helpful on dealing with unreasonable older people

podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieri/id1567190358?i=1000552542516

This is really dreadful behaviour

Any chance the whole family will say "this needs to end"?

My late father behaved badly a couple of times. Once he realised I wouldn't tolerate it and wouldn't visit, he stopped. Unfortunately there were two incidents like this over about seven years, but I think he really learned his lesson the second time. I suppose we can't know because he isn't here.

But I am very glad I set those boundaries. Sorry to say it, elderly parents can be such a pain. The earlier the boundaries are set, the better!

Argh, I hate it when parents forget their children are the children, not friends and hobby replacements.

I doubt she will change her ways much now and probably kick off if you tell her you need space. I would suggest to her she takes up hobbies and then slowly detach by being busy and not so available. Since you live far away from her, this should be easy to do. She won't be knocking down your door if you don't answer.

Atm you feel guilt for not responding or chasing after her or catering to all her whims. Find a way to realise that you are not responsible for her happiness, and you don't have to put up with crossed boundaries just because she made the decision to sacrifice her career or whatever for you. When a parent needs actual caring and support, that's very different to a parents who expects you spend your whole life pandering to them. I think when parents stop acting like parents and doing what's best for you, it's ok to give them a taste of their own medicine and just ignore them.

Tough to do especially with years of ingrained behaviour and habits. You won't change her, so don't try, but you can find a way to tune her out so it doesn't affect you as much. And gently encourage her towards volunteering or a hobby.

She used to call me and tell me she wanted to die, she'd wail and shout, and then hang up. I'd freak out and worry, and then she'd eventually answer her phone hours later and be as right as rain and laugh off the incient. She doesn't do that now as I said it was too upsetting. I honestly think it was manipulative but I don't dare say she is manipulative as I'll never hear the end of it

This is definitely not normal, as you know. It sounds like you are unable to push back more because you are afraid of the consequences. You are treading on eggshells, afraid to upset her, like a parent tip-toeing around sleeping baby that normally doesn't sleep well. The last thing they want to do is wake that baby.

You are behaving and having to live with the fear that she will take her own life if you start really pushing back. It's difficult to know whether or not it was truly manipulative, but there are plenty of people who control everyone around them through tears, by making themselves the biggest victim in any situation they find themselves in, even if they're the one who's been malicious to another person.

However, she also sounds very lonely. Does she have any kind of life outside you and your sister? Sounds like she doesn't really. If she doesn't, it unfair to expect you to be all of her life. That's enormous pressure on a child accompanied by a power imbalance.

The first step is to accept that you are going to have to tolerate a certain level of discomfort and distress if you intend to address this. I don't think there's any way of getting around that. You are going to have to be mentally prepared for anything she throws your way. It might get ugly. You can't force her to get help, but if she makes threats on her life again and wails like that, tell her that you will be booking a GP appointment for her or calling the police.

There's no way you can say this without her getting hurt really, but you should start by saying you only want to speak to her once a week. It will be very drastic for someone like her, but say that you only want a phonecall once a week, on a Sunday or something. Say that you feel overwhelmed at this level of calling, and that you have different communication needs to hers. Ask her to not text you all the time and save that for that weekly conversation. You might have to out a temporary block on her texts if that's possible to prevent you from seeing them. If you don't, I can see her texting you with things she knows will get your attention and inspire a response. Your sister might have to do the same and maybe agree to a phonecall on a different day so she gets to speak to one of you twice a week. You both need to stick to this.

It might take a while for her to get used to it. If you feel like you are still being suffocated like this or being subjected to more drama or manipulation when you try to assert boundaries, I'm afraid you might have to consider cutting off contact.

This is my mother. I've recently gone LC (email only) and I'm enjoying the peace. Sympathies.

The teenage rebellion phase has its uses. Teenagers use it to put distance between themselves an their parents and try and establish a place in the adult road. It sounds as though you missed this bit and now need to have a late rebellion. Start being less available and interested. Pleasant but firm and more busy. You need to stop being afraid of her disapproval, like a teenager. It is all dysfunctional and you know it.

Thanks everyone. I really needed to read all of this :)

Very, very wise words in here. I deeply appreciate it.

@EarthSight you are so right: I need to be firmer with her and start setting boundaries for myself...

@user1471519931, @MayBMaybenot, and @Dinorawr22 - I try suggesting clubs, engaging with friends, etc, and she flies off the handle saying that she has a busy life , and if "you don't have time for me, then don't bother! Just don't bother! Go on, get on with your day!" and hangs up the phone. I just don't have the mental energy to stand the backlash...

@HellToTheNope you are right. And I'm increasingly angry at the manipultion which is an emotion I want to avoid...

@DaffTheDoggo thanks for the link. I'll check that out.

@2Rebecca I totally missed that phase!

@EmmaH2022 We tried doing a famiy intervention. she sat calmy and nodded along. we felt like progress had been made. And then the next day she was a wreck, crying and yelling that we attacked her, and that she had just had to sit through "our hateful tirade". It was a faux step forward, and 8907 steps back, with a lot of migraine inducing phone calls.

@phizog the guilt is so very real! I have tried asking if she shares her woes with her friends, and she said "Of course not! I can't talk to them!!". As if it's the most outrageous suggestion. So it's been a life of her being easy breezy with friends, and an emotional wreck with me and my sister. And I feel insanely guilty at the thought of pulling the plug on that, but I feel like it's time.

xx

Hi, OP. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this, which you are quite right, is not a normal or healthy way for your mother to behave towards you. And recognising that isn't contradictory to still loving your mum and appreciating the sacrifices she made for you, too--love doesn't have to be blind to all faults.

Lots of great advice from others here. I'd suggest you read all you can on FOG (fear, obligation, and guilt).

There's a great book called Adult Children : the Secrets of Dysfunctional Families you can find on amazon. There are lots of other books about toxic or emotionally immature parents too.

Have you had an individual counselling to help give you perspective on this? That could also help you figure out how to set new boundaries with your mum and build your self-confidence. Your employer may have an employee assistance programme that offers free counseling.

You've done an amazing job if you're already learning to deflect her criticism of your siblings--it's a shame they are still caught up in that cycle themselves, but you are doing exactly the right thing by not engaging with it.

It's a difficult situation but you are already taking very positive steps. Best wishes!

She sounds toxic to me. Parents sacrificing themselves to raise their children is normal. Emotionally blackmailing you constantly for attention isn't.

I can't imagine that you ever truly relax if you're always feeling guilty about her or have to talk to her or deal with her.

Maybe get some counselling so that will help ease the guilt?

I'm not saying your mum is abusive, but there are similarities here with when someone tries to distance from an abuser, namely that trying to enforce any boundary or change will result in a huge backlash of ramping things up to 11 in order to try and reassert their control of the relationship - your mums huge tirade following the intervention is exactly what I'd expect to happen.

The suggested response is that is something you should also probably consider - the Grey Rock tactic. You need to declare a reasonable boundary and then be prepared for a period of being a grey rock and letting all the backlash and guilt tripping wash over you until she adjusts to the new reality of how things are going to be.

It'll be horribly tough - as they say, parents know all the buttons to push because they installed them - but the only way out from here is through, for as long as it takes.

Your mum is a more extreme version of how my mum could be. A few things that helped me (when I was able to implement them):

1. I would remind myself that it is perfectly reasonable for me NOT to be at her beck and call. And when she yelled, screamed and attempted to guilt me would calmly reiterate things like, "Mum, I was at work. You know I can't always take calls at work".

1. Attempt, where possible, to be on the same page with your siblings. Mine had a habit of, for example, getting upset with me for not responding to something within 10 seconds and would then call my siblings to get them to track me down. After a particularly acrimonious call of this nature with my siblings, we all agreed not to blanket-believe her ridiculous statements.

These two things helped a LOT.

Buy her a small lapdog as a "gift" from you and your sister. This will give her something to go and get her out the house walking it in her local community. Even better if she has to take it to training classes. You would be amazed at the amount of interaction she will have with strangers because of the dog. It's not ideal but will give her more of her own thing to concentrate on.

Failing that - are you planning on having children? If so then she can help you with childcare. This will give her new focus and she will be tired from helping with baby. I personally found my mum helping me with my kids has helped our rather strained relationship as can easily see her positive sides. Good luck

OP "We tried doing a famiy intervention. she sat calmy and nodded along. we felt like progress had been made. And then the next day she was a wreck, crying and yelling that we attacked her, and that she had just had to sit through "our hateful tirade". It was a faux step forward, and 8907 steps back, with a lot of migraine inducing phone calls. "

What happens if you ignore the calls?

What about finding her a new man? Any elderly gentlemen in your area that might ask her out on a date or two?

Failing that, what about encouraging her to find God and get involved with local church?

It sounds as if you children were her life and still are her life.

But she has to set you free to be yourselves.

If she can't, and she's extracting a high price now for her love and considerable sacrifice all those years, it's alright to set boundaries.

In a way now you are the adult and she is the needy child. Your love for her is clear, but you need to have your own life. You can still love her while setting boundaries. Say you'll not be taking calls until Thursday and you'll ring her then, and do actually ring her then. Reassure her you love her and appreciate her, take a mental step back. It's right to do that. She can't suck your life up. Breaking free of over-absorbing parents has been known for centuries!

Can you speak to your siblings and arrange to hold the line together? If not, you'll have to do it for yourself. Just keep in mind that you are the adult now and she has become the demanding child.

My DM is the same in terms of the contact, and I agree, it is totally suffocating. I'm a similar age to you, and not a DAY has gone past that she doesn't text me. Once in the morning, once in the evening and several messages throughout the day. I've had to mute and block her so i choose when to look at her messages. When i finally do, it's all nonsense. I do call once a week, that's my 'get out' for not looking/responding to her messages. I have tried to discuss it, but unfortunately it seemed to fall on deaf ears and no change has been made. Funnily enough myself and my sibling were also raised by her single handedly, maybe theres something to that? It feels like she hasn't been able to 'let go' very well. Even though I moved out almost 20 years ago.

BTW your mum sounds completely narcissistic, and sounds like she needs professional help. I mean that kindly.