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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Advice please

3 replies

thegreylady · 24/03/2022 10:56

My dh is almost 86 and I am 78. We have had a long and very happy marriage with 5 dc and 9 dgc.
At the moment dh has several complete, debilitating but not life limiting conditions. He has become incredibly needy and I feel guilty for feeling irritated by this. If I go into another room he follows me. If he goes to bed first he waits about 15 minutes then calls or comes in. He says he just wants to be with me and gets upset if I say I sometimes want to sit by myself. His health means I can’t go anywhere because he isn’t well enough to be left or to get out of the car if we go out. About one a month one of our sons will come and stay with him while I go to town or to have a coffee with my dd. If she comes here (she lives nearest) obviously dh wants to be there too. She has a demanding job, two teens and a husband who helps us out with lots of practical things including picking dh up when he falls as he is too heavy for me.
I love my husband very very much, enjoy his company and would hate to be apart for more than a day or so but I feel so trapped. My close friends all live a few hours away, 2 sons live 4-5 hours drive away, one ds and one dd live abroad.
I would love an uninterrupted night’s sleep, someone to make a cup of tea etc. I don’t know what I am asking because I wouldn’t hurt him for the world.
Fwiw sex hasn’t been possible for many years as has prostate cancer among other things. I really don’t mind that, we hold hands, have a kiss and hug and sit in bed doing word games together.

OP posts:
HellToTheNope · 24/03/2022 11:10

This sounds so hard, op. Of course you love your husband, but you need space, desperately. Could your daughter help a little more?

baileys6904 · 24/03/2022 13:14

Have you thought about hiring a companion for him? Care companies are focused so much more on the social aspects not just the physical side of looking after someone? Is he a sports fan for example, as you could look for someone that could take him to a match or whatever. Also this can be a sign of anxiety / dementia. You are what he is familiar with and feels safe with, so when out of sight, it may feel worrying to him, something that would mean it's even more important to introduce him to new people while still able to accept the change

thegreylady · 24/03/2022 13:28

Thank you. He loves cricket but isn’t well enough to go to a match. My dd is HoD at a big comp. She lives about half an hour away. Her boys see to have lots of sports commitments which she and her dh drive them to. Her subject is English , exams are coming and marking and admin are horrendous. She does what she can.

OP posts:
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