Would this be selfish now?

[howcanthisbeit]

To accept the friend request of someone who has now passed?

I loved this complicated person for so long, but was finding it difficult seeing them on social media, and so deleted them. It wasn’t the first time over the many years I knew them. They sent me another request a few months later, last year, and I couldn’t bring myself to accept it because i still wished things were different between us. We exchanged a couple of very brief messages across the months after. Again, I wish I had pushed the conversations a little further.

Now they have passed and I am devastated.

I want to accept the friend request that is till sitting in my social media so that I can see them, see the happy times they had. See their lovely face and read their posts. To have something else to remember instead of just our million messages trying to figure things out, us going over the things that stopped me from trying again. Had it not been for covid kicking in, I know I would have gone for it and visited him when he asked.

But is it disrespectful to his family? I would hate for them to notice and think i was just being some kind of vulture? His brother does know we have history. He had also recently stated a new relationship.

Do I have to accept the choice I made was the wrong one?

Please don’t give me a hard time if you think it’s a terrible idea. I am struggling so much with this whole situation. I hoped so much that they would always be "here", even if not with me.

Anyone, please?

I think it might be nice for you to see the pics etc, but would it come up an their family/friends news feed? Eg, that they are now friends with….
Possibly not, I know these things change. So, it wouldn’t hurt anyone

Thank you for replying @Hairbear2

I don't think it shows now when two people connect on FB, but I can't be 100% sure.

But it will come up as a notification on their account, and so if the family get access to that, they will see I have accepted after he has passed.

How awful for you.

The shock when someone you cared about is suddenly taken is just so awful.

I have lost 4 close dear friends suddenly this way over the past 20 years and there is a part of me that simply never forgets the sheer shock of it all.

The suddenness of it.
The complete disbelief.

I think you should do it.

Any remarks from anyone, just confirm that you were so fond of him and are so sad to hear of his sudden passing.

Sorry for your loss

Thanks @billy1966

He wasn't just taken. He chose to go and that is something I just don't know how to process. I knew he had always struggled with his MH, but it's actually done now and I can't help but think I should have worried less about protecting myself and my pride.

Other people cared. I know that. More important people than me, but I just wish I'd not been so brief or selfish in our last messages. Looking at things now, it achieved absolutely nothing. I should have just been one more person to check in and tell him I cared.

Oh how awful.

Unfortunately this one of the many many facets of suicide that trickle from it.

People blaming themselves as they try and wrap their head around it.

Try and show yourself some compassion too in all of this.

It is unbelievably hard and painful for those left behind.

Thanks @billy1966

I would really appreciate knowing whether anyone else thinks it would be okay to do this, or otherwise.

I don't know if its OK but I understand it.

I think accepting a friend request is different to sending one. You could send a message via messenger to his family offering your condolences?

I am friends with 2 people who have since died on fb. I like to look back over their posts during happier times so I think that is understandable.

Yes, it’s ok to do this.

It won’t notify anyone and it sounds like it will bring you some peace. Accept it. I’m very sorry for your loss x

Yes I would. In the scheme of things I'm sure his family have far bigger things to think about that this, so if they notice and even think its a bit odd, it's likely to be a very peripheral thing for them. In the nicest possible way, I doubt they'll care much about what you do, and I think you need this.

Thank you for reassuring me and not criticising.

@BlueSlate I don't know them, so don't know if that's an odd thing to do? And what would I do next? Ask if it was okay? I don't want to give them a single thing more to add to their pain.

I met his brother once, years ago. One of his brothers and my brother were friendly, so my brother has spoken with him and I assume passed on my condolences.

I sent him one last message the other day, via messenger, from a place we spent time together.

Even doing that, I'm now worried his family will have to see that.

I am sorry to keep posting, but is there anyone who thinks I shouldn't do this?

Anyone who has been in the awful situation his family are in, and who can tell me how they would feel if they did realise someone did this?

I'm so sorry for your loss

Please don't overthink this. You shared a nice memory about someone who has passed, with them privately after they passed.

You did so because you wish you'd said those things while they were here. Because you want to remember them and see their face and their experiences shared on the account,

If a family member of theirs sees that you've accepted the request or written them a message, they're likely to think 'how nice someone took the time to share a memory with him even though he has passed' and not think much of it again other than think of it fondly.

You've done nothing bad whatsoever.

And gently, their grief will be deep at this situation and their headspace will be limited to getting through each day. They won't give this the headspace you're worried it will take up.

Again, you've not done anything wrong by accepting the request and sending a message.

Thank you @youvegottenminuteslynn

And yes, I wish so much that I had said those things. I felt them, so why didn't I just say it, properly.

He last told me two years ago that he loved me. And I should have just said it back.

I'll never know if it would have changed things between us. Maybe not, but there's never a truer word spoken than "regret the things you did, not the things you didn't do"

Sudden tragic loss is a huge trauma for those who cared.
I remember listening to a Suicide therapist talking about just how far ripples of grief travel.
You are in shock at the moment and will be for a long time.
A dear friend of mine died very suddenly last summer, completely unexpectedly and I still do not believe it.
I just can't believe she is gone.
I am still very much in shock while a tiny part of my brain is saying it's actually true billy, she's gone.
Some days I get the tiniest flicker of believing it and then it is gone and I'm back to repeating to myself I can't believe.
I'm lucky that I have dear friends that have shared my shock and still do.

I really don't think you have anything to worry about with his family.
Your intentions are all good and you obviously cared deeply.

I think @youvegottenminuteslynn gives good advice above.

This is a long painful process, one I have experienced before.
You can't rush it.
You simply have to accept that it is shit and there is no way to avoid it.
It will get easier as the sheer shock and disbelief pass.

Thank you @billy1966

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend

I am thinking about him all day, imagining and wishing for things that won't ever happen, and yes, the thoughts are interspersed with angry reminders to myself that "X is gone. It's too late!"

I will try and get the courage up to accept that friend request. I know I might see things that hurt, but at least I can go back and look when I feel able.

I just hope he wouldn't see it as an insult that I'm doing it now, not a year ago when he sent it.

I think its OK, op. I would imagine his family are well aware how difficult people will find it and will process in different ways.

Friendships can be complicated, even when you love them.

I'm so sorry

Thank you @PollyPutTheKettleOnKettleOn