Friend no longer interested in meeting

[Frollop]

Hi,

I have a friend who I use to meet regularly but since she has bought a property ( mortgage free and happy living there) and has a new job ( much more money and happy she got new job) she does not seem interested in meeting and I haven't seen her in months.
She use to message me but unless I initiate a message she won't contact me.
What would you think?

I would think that, for whatever reason, she isn't interested in continuing the friendship. It happens. Just move on.

I would think she's busy mainly and perhaps she's not as keen as being friends as she was but not necessarily anything especially personal.

Maybe her new job is a lot busier than her old job. I know when I have really busy periods at work I'm too worn out for being sociable.

I think it's weird you're mentioning that her house is mortgage free and her new job pays more. Sounds like you're reading way too much into things because you feel inferior / jealous.

I guess that sometimes friendships wane, and there isn't anything you can do about it. In your situation , I'd give it one more try, and then if she remains distant, cut the ties . Her life has gone off on a different direction- it's time for you to do the same. I know it can sting to be sidelined, but you have to accept it and move on.

Thank you for your responses. It's disappointing as we always had a nice time when meeting but you're right I need to move on. This happened years ago when she started seeing someone.

If you have reached out and she's not reciprocated it sounds like she's moved on. You could ask if you really want to know but it might be better to move on.

@Tidlo I think I'm reading too much into it. I'm not jealous but happy for her as she's wanted a property for a long time and new job.

That is horrible for you but maybe she is going through some personal crisis or feeling low and not up to meeting anyone. Sometimes things can look all rosy for others but a lot of the time there can be things going on that we have no idea about. I would text one last time and say be lovely to meet up as it has been ages, will leave it up to you to arrange something, tell her you miss your meet ups and hope to hear from her soon and leave it at that then. Is her fella controlling and have you met him?

@BOOTS52 thanks for your advice. I'll give it one last try as you say.
I'm not sure if she is seeing someone but when she was with her last boyfriend I didn't hear from her and I don't think he was controlling at that time from what she said.

I had the same recently. A friend I used to meet every two weeks through covid, by facetime at first then for long walks once we allowed, suddenly didn't have time to meet about 4 months ago and we haven't met up since. I tried a few times, said let me know when you have time to meet up. She always said yes I will. I realised she was meeting other friends but not me. So I just stopped asking or messaging. Every couple of weeks she messages and I reply in a friendly way but I've mentally closed the door and don't expect any more now. Sometimes you just have to draw a line.

@Frollop I had a friend accuse me of this a couple of days ago. But in our case she expects to meet up mid-week as that's when she is free, but I'm not and I can't spare annual leave every few weeks to go see her. Especially when she has never come to see me. So yea, we're drifting. I'm a bit sad about it but also accept that not all friendships will be life long.

@Zonder sorry to hear about your friend, I can see why you mentally closed the door.

@Longingforatikihut I'm flexible at meeting places and have travelled a distance to meet her which is no problem. I've accepted not all friendships are lifelong. It's a shame when you meet someone regularly and it just stops.

It happened with another friend but it wasn't just me she stopped meeting and her job is stressful and tiring so I could understand. This friend meets occasionally when we arrange a group meeting but she never organises a meeting which we've accepted. We all have a nice time when we do meet which is good and we can share life difficulties if needed too and everyone is supportive.

This is an interesting one Op because if a partner or spouse did this most people would understand your need for answers and closure. With friendships it seems more acceptable for people to disappear randomly and you have to just shrug your shoulders and move on. But it bloody hurts doesn't it? And you do question why this has happened, particularly if there have been some life changes and no fall out.

As this is the second time she has NC'd you sfter life changes, I would put it down to 'her' need for your friendship changing. Do you want to be picked up and put down like this?

@Dacquoise I think ideally we would still get answers and closure but I'm not sure you can expect it from a friend who has just chosen distance. I did ask my friend if anything was wrong and she said no, of course not, she was just busy. Plainly not that busy as she meets other friends but it just showed me she didn't particularly want to meet me any more.

Do you do fun things together like go to theatre/gigs or whatever? So you have lots to talk about?

I do find meeting some friends for coffee a bit tricky sometimes when our lives have gone in different directions. Maybe you need specific shared reasons to meet up?

You are absolutely right to close the door on your friend @Zonder. It's a bit of a cheek for them to be contacting you and keeping you on the back-burner when they haven't got time for you, that's real user behaviour!

I'm sure most of us, you included, have let friendships drift. Reasons I've done it include: friend's constant negativity, friend's emotional demands, friend's flirting with my husband. One friend is so enmeshed with her adult children it's all she talks about, literally. We've been friends since our children were toddlers and my DC hardly get a mention. Last time we met up she received 17 text messages from her children during the course of 2 hours (which she reads and relays to me). She wants to meet up but I honestly don't know if I can be bothered any more.

If a friend isn't enthusiastic about meeting, I'd probably leave it for them to contact me.

Out of interest @BettyBotte, if your texting friend asked you why you no longer wanted to meet up would you be honest with her? Or would you be vague and kick it down the road until she got the hint?

@Dacquoise I prefer to just let the friendship drift if I'm no longer enjoying it. I don't see my texting friend nearly as much as I used to, so it's sort of dying a natural death.

But if I was asked a direct question, I would give an honest answer, in as gentle a way as possible

Thank you @BettyBotte, I'm glad you said that. It always seems a bit cruel to me to keep someone hanging. I'm potentially to have a similar conversation with an old friend about one-sidedness although whether she will contact me now the gravy train has stopped is debatable!

You just don't know what is going on behind the smile, so to speak. Tell her you miss her and maybe suggest a low key meet up.