I need your help!

[Mumtwo2]

I have been on and off with someone for many years now maybe 7-8
I’ve never been fully happy ever.
I had a child with him two years ago.
He moved in a few months before baby was born and out before baby was 8 months old 😩.
He drunk too much and hid it from me told me to lay in one day and I had no idea but was drunk and took out 7.5month old down with him.
I thought he was being nice cause I had been up a lot.
Turns out my eldest said he was drunk and had fell asleep 😩so I ran down and he was and my baby was in the bouncer alone… thank god for my eldest son. So anyway kicked him out that was my last straw.

Still to this day he’s always here he doesn’t stay just comes round. Stayed maybe twice. I don’t feel the same way any more it’s just ruined my feelings for him completely.

He’s so selfish.
He stayed a few weeks ago me thinking could this work.. well anyway after months of me doing everything on my own he stayed alseep till midday whilst I was up doing everything 😩 next night went home then slept all day Sunday too.
I feel so worthless and uncared for!
Am I wrong to feel this way?

Im forever thinking could we make it work but truth is it never will.
He has our son a few days whilst I work until a few months time. He’s got loads of money and doesn’t need to stress about anything.(lives at his parents)
I’ve been struggling on my own for all this time.
I do everything house work, washing, dinners, bath times, bed times, everything and work if not at work then with the boys.
He’s only just gone back to work since before December.
Hes maybe worked half a week.
I just feel I do everything on my own and he turns up when he wants and sits his arse on the sofa and doesn’t move.
I even cut the grass whilst he watches tv.
I really need help to get out this
I’ve gained so much weight and feel so down about myself.
What can I do?
What do I do?
He doesn’t listen if I say go..
he’s always back when I have work if he does( very rarely listen)
I feel so trapped 😩
I do care for him I just hate the way he treats me and he’s so oblivious.
I’m actually hurting so much inside and hate him for it.

Do I carry on like this but live unhappy
Or be unhappy on my own?

Don't be unhappy on your own.

Kick this shit biscuit out for good and BE HAPPY on your own.

He's drunk in charge of your baby but you still let him do it? He watches you mowing the lawn but does nothing to help?

You need some serious financially advice too. Do you rent/own your house? Does he contribute any child maintenance? Help you with rent or bills? He sounds like and utter waste of space and you sound like he's ground you down so much, you have forgotten how much YOU are worth.

He doesn’t listen if I say go..

Don't give him a choice. Change the locks today.

he’s always back when I have work if he does( very rarely listen)

Find some alternative childcare or ask UC for help if you can't work.

I don’t have an alternative at the moment not for a couple of months.
I can’t give up my job cause il never find one with such perfect hours Again 😩

I didn’t let him get drunk with the baby I had no idea he was he had been hiding it from me.

I am so worried to be completely alone
My family don’t live round here in fact all over and hour and a half away.

I sit there so angry and cross in my own home.. when I do finally sit down.

I live in a council house.
I work part time and get help from uc for the rest.
He does pay maintenance but I sometimes have to ask for it.. if he forgets but generally pretty good. It’s not a lot though. Tbh he spends usually like £100 easily a week on take aways and gives me £30 so in comparison it’s nothing.
Not that that’s relevant.

I’m just so stuck and hurt and angry all the time
I feel like I’m eating my life aways I seem to comfort eat.
I used to be skinny and healthy now look unrecognisable
I’m so not me any more
I wish I could just run away with my boys.

Can I just add he doesn’t drink now when he has our child.
He used to when he lived here.
He now drinks just on weekends well as far as I know. When he lived with us it was just so bad.

But he 100% isn’t drunk when he has our son when I’m
At work.

Kick him out, go through csa

He doesn’t live here I kicked him out when our child was 7.5 months old he’s now 2.
But he looks after my son whilst I’m at work at my house so has a key which he will still need until our son starts preschool.
But then when I get home from work he doesn’t go it’s become so awkward for me to even say can you go 😩
He doesn’t seem to listen or take me seriously.

I'm dating an ex alcoholic. He is 18 months sober. I've learned various things through listening to him, but also being with him. My boyfriends drinking cost him alot. Before me he was with his ex for almost 9 years. They both worked. No kids. Had dogs and their home. They had an annual income of £85,000 but they had no savings. They liked to spend. Everything they did was about drink. She drank all the time. So did he. All her family drank. But my boyfriend was struggling and it turned poisonous for him. Irresponsible and drinking at work. Miserable and spending so much money on it. The relationship ended and lots of things happened including him overdosing.

The problem is its an illness. If your boyfriend is a drinker and it's something he can't live without he needs to get help. He will only do that when he's ready.

From your post he's not able to give you the stability you need or deserve. He's making you feel like the relationship isn't real or solid. You want to feel happy and in a fully supportive relationship. That's understandable.

You need to sit down and talk to him and make it clear what you need and tell him if xyz doesn't happen then it's perhaps time to completely separate.

This won't be easy for you. You may need support yourself. Therapy. Family. Friends. But it's about realising that actually you've not been treated so well and it's not what you want for the rest if your life.

I know how you feel. It's sad when you have two emotions towards someone. You love them on one hand and wish they could be more the person you need. Let's face it every human has nice traits. Things we like
. But on the other hand you see where they don't have the right things to give and you know that you are coming off with less than you deserve.

I'll be honest I've been abit foolish in this relationship. I've been on the end of his words sometimes and he was getting particularly bad over December and January and February. Then in March he was offered some sessions to talk and he's now doing some therapy. The thing is he hadn't dealt with his past before meeting me. He stopped drinking. For a while he felt better and in control. Then the problems caught up with him. He has alot of sadness towards his dad. He has guilt about his ex. I don't think he will ever admit it to me. But that relationship wasn't supposed to end for him. He didn't want to loose her.

I'm sorry I'm waffling on about my situation. But when alcohol has a hold of someone it's a very sad situation all around. You need to somehow figure out what you need and perhaps it's time to accept he can't give you they loving consistent family unit you want. X

I completely agree
See when he lived with us he did drink most of the time
In all honesty he had just lost his Nan
But he’s always been a heavy drinker.
I don’t mean every night it’s usually once a week but he won’t stop until he’s passed out it’s so awful to see tbh and very embarrassing when we’ve been socialising.

I 100% think he has a problem I don’t think he’s an alcoholic because he goes most of the week with out a drink
But he cannot with out fail not drink on a Saturday night.
Now don’t get me wrong everyone likes a drink
I have a few glasses here and there but not like him he would easily drink a 70cl bottle of vodka sometimes even been 1litre.

It’s so sad
I think like you said he’s got his own issues and that all reflects somtimes in different ways.
For example the sleeping, the lack of doing anything he’s clearly depressed.
But what about me I am too and I have to carry on each day.
I’m depressed because of the way he is.
I admit I’ve said some horrible things to him and somtimes problem my deal with things wrong but I cannot stand that he’s left me alone
With two chicken one isn’t his.
I work and do everything whilst he does nothing and drives a brand new car and sleeps all day
I am just soo cross and need to sort it out but every time I try he’s back ☹️I’m so weak.
I so badly want out of this horrible mess But I feel so trappped!
He’s honestly completely oblivious to everything he’s got no idea when he’s done somthing unfair or out of order he always has a stupid excuse and reason.
Or I’m moaning you know that one..
I’m just so so fed up and I want to be better
I think that’s with out tbh he will never ever change.
I’ve been here for so long it feels.

I’m so sorry you had to go through this yourself
It just have been so hard for you
I also really appreciate your time to message me.
Xxx

I’m so sorry I’ve wrote that so fast and predictive text 🤣😩
Children not chicken and I’m sure the rest you will see on the way through!
🙈🙈

Sorry I’ve just reread your message I thought you said your ex but you said he’s an ex alcoholic.
Also agree with you about the not giving me what I want and deserve and family unit etc that’s all I wanted il never get that now it breaks my heart to have got it wrong twice and have two children with two different dads and know il never have more children etc
I feel at the moment I know very far in the future but that il probably never meet someone how I want to
I want commitment someone to live here with us and be a family but that’s all gone ☹️

Say this arrangement with him coming round isn't healthy for anyone, children might get confused, so he needs to sort out a home he can look after his child in away from yours.

You don't have to be hurtful or nasty, just firm and calm.

Explain you want to be good co-parents but you clearly don't work romantically and it's time for a fresh start, new beginnings moving forward.

I’ve said that I’ve just spoke to him and told him it’s making me Ill and isn’t healthy for anyone
He just kept saying you know what I want
But I said actions speak a lot louder etc
I don’t see it ever changing.
He said ok and that was it tbh I’m sure lately he will be wanting to come up though 😩if not in a few days.
I just can’t wait for the day he listens and we can all move forward.

The actions speak louder than words 100%. My boyfriend wants alot of things. But he needs to sort it out in his head first. I was told its like he's carrying a rucksack full of problems and he needs to take it off and open it and sort through the weight inside. My boyfriend drank daily. His girlfriend is still a wine in hand on every photo woman. She works and functions fine. It's very easy to blame the other woman. I can completely see where my boyfriend affected her and he would have made her miserable at times. But I can also see how my boyfriend got worse due to her constant demands. She never had children so was going to disneyland with her friends at 37 like a child. My boyfriend was left home wishing she'd go to the lakes with him. She had no interest. But liked expensive gifts and clothes. Just an overall mess. The problem was when he was drinking he was self destructing.

The part where you feel ill. I so so get it. I've had so much of his pressures on my shoulders. At times I've walked away. Ended it. But I can see him slowly sorting his mind. So in my case I'm sticking it out for abit to see if the therapy helps him.

He's sober now and had no temptations. The idea of drink now for him makes him feel sick. He's apparently 1 in 10 who can do it. It's a hard thing to quit. Your boyfriend sounds like a Binge drinker when he drinks. But If it leads to embarrassment and stuff he needs to look at that.

I bet you are caught up in losing him and loving him both conflicting you. Its so easy for people to say dump. Bit it depends on when you reach the point of I'm done with this I have nothing left to give. Are you at that point?

He sounds very lazy. My boyfriend cooks and cares for me in various ways. We don't live together but he does washing etc himself.

The emotional side of things is what I struggle with. The highs and lows. Do you think he's depressed for any obvious reason?

He said ok and that was it tbh I’m sure lately he will be wanting to come up though

You need to take charge of this situation for you and your boys. Stop being so apathetic and expecting him to change. He has shown you that he won't. Ask council to help you move. Talk to your family. Make a plan.

Stop hanging on to the 'oh he'll change one day' theory. It will not happen.

Lose weight. Plan to move. Change jobs. Cut him out. Do something!

I just can’t wait for the day he listens

HE NEVER WILL. Sorry.

I honestly have no idea why he would be depressed because he’s always been such a lucky person in my eyes
I was brought up a big family
Never had much
But never with out if that makes sense
He’s designer this expensive cars all sorts but lives at home with his mum and dad who tbh their amazing people but they baby him and allow it all.
I think they probably think I’m the problem.
He’s 32 btw.
He’s so lazy beyond lazy!
I’m never at the done stage I don’t know why I think I am then end up having him round. Stupid I know!
I don’t have family round here it’s just me and my two boys.

That’s so good I think I need someone like that 🤣I’m off men for now!
Two bad relationships are enough for me 🙈

I’m soo down I don’t know why I think it’s the fact I was wrong and it ended up like this
I feel trapped and feel like life can’t improve
I can’t change my job, I can’t just move and start fresh.
I’ve got a handful of good friends who these days I even question my friendships with them life’s been very hard for a few years now.
One day it will improve I just know it
Maybe il win the lottery and explore the world haha.
On a serious note I’ve phoned the drs I need help.
Thankyou for taking the time to message me it’s so nice to let it all out xx

Love you honesty I need it! Your right he won’t ever change
And I do need to stop being so pathetic but it’s much easier said than done.
I’m gonna have a work out and forget the world let’s hope after I feel more positive
Thanks again x