My husband has bruised me 3 times now in our marriage of 5 years, why is it too hard to leave when I don't even like him anymore.

[jbtk]

I hate my husband. He drinks most nights and always starts arguing with me over things that are bizzare. For example tonight I was getting ready to take our 6 month old son to bed. My husband picked him up and smelled his nappy and said it needed changing so I said to change it. He does it but while doing it he started shouting at me about how some nights I change him before bed and some nights I don't. I tried to explain that he is in his night time nappy for a long time so I like to put him in bed with a fresh nappy but some nights I might have changed him 20mins before bed time do I don't change him again when I take him up unless he has had a poop or the nappy looks really wet again. To me this makes perfect sense but my husband just kept going on like I was wrong and that 8 should be consistent and he was getting really angry about it. He was drunk because he was slurring a bit but still I don't get why he was being so nasty about the nappy change. Its not like it even affects him because I take our baby to bed every night and will change his nappy upstairs if I think he needs a fresh one before putting him down. I was getting frustrated and annoyed at my husband for being such a dick about something that to me made perfect sense and doesn't even impact him so I started shouting back because his nastiness for no reason made me so angry. I told him what I thought and after saying he is slurring his words and is a drunk and a bully I poured his whisky down the sink out of anger. He then lost it and kicked me and would gave me the baby to take to bed so I went upstairs. 2 mins later he comes up with the baby and just dumps him on the bed and goes downstairs. I have a bruised ankle and an so upset that all this happened over nothing that needed to be an issue. This happens often but he has only grabs me or hit me and left bruises 3 times in 5 years. I never thought I would even put up with a man doing that to me once never mind 3 times. Partly coz I don't just let him bully me for no reason and I stick up for myself which ends up in screaming rows all the time. I have slapped him a few times when he has been screaming in my face, and I know I shouldn't and again 99% of the time it's over something that seems totally bizzare to be angry about. It gets me more upset because he usually starts something when I am happy and having a nice day/week. He also gets mad because I never want sex anymore but I hate him and he is so mean to me so often over stupid things that I don't want him near me! Before tonight we had been rubbing along OK and I was warming up to him and then he does this and I go to bed in tears and then he will get nasty with me about not giving him sex tomorrow or the day after. I don't even like him most of the time and he very rarely makes me happy.

You will lose your child if you allow this to continue.

You are abusing your child.

This thread needs flagging.

Yes your baby deserves better from you both.

Grabbing you, kicking you and bruising you is absolutely unacceptable behaviours but also so is you screaming at him and slapping him.

Your relationship sounds utterly toxic. You know what your next steps should be. Do it for your banana sake, they don't need to grow up in that sort of environment.

Sorry for typo!!

Obviously should have read - for your baby's sake

Leave.
He sounds very similar to my exDH.
He never hit me but pushed me out of the way once or twice. That was bad enough. The slurring, arguments over fuck all (in fact I remember something strikingly similar about nappy changes before bed) is exactly what I had at home.
Only 2 cans of beer and he'd be like this.
He lost his shit on father's day of all days. So I left him the next day.
Its 3 years later, we are divorced and have brilliant co parenting relationship to our 4 YO.
Do it while baby is young enough to not know or understand the split.
Do not dwell on anything. He's hit you. Its a no go from there.

@jbtk, I'm trying to say this with kindness...
You seriously need to wake up to what is going on.
Have a read of the previous poster's comments, then have a read of all of the babies and young children who have died in the last few years due to abusive partners. THAT could be your baby.
What do you feel is right for your child?
If you don't protect, them, it's possible that the very worst could happen, and in that situation you would have to live with knowing you did nothing. That's a brutal way of putting it, but true all the same.

Put your child first and leave this man. One day he will hit your DC

You and your baby are being abused OP, please contact a DV service and/or the police before this escalates and either of you are badly hurt. I know the replies here will be hard to read but unless people have been in an insidiously abusive relationship where the abuse creeps up and up so slowly you barely notice until it gets bad it's difficult for them to understand why it's not obvious to you that you need to leave this man.

And you do, you need to get away from him as soon as you possibly can. I don't know your circumstances but if you need any practical advice to help you find a way to leave him please ask, there's a wealth of knowledge and experience here.

Gosh that poor child. You both need to separate, you're abusing that child, poor thing must be terrified with you two screaming and attacking eachother.

Do it while baby is young enough to not know or understand the split.
Do not dwell on anything. He's hit you. Its a no go from there.

^This. Leave. Women's Aid or Refuge will help.

Can you take photos of the bruises ? It'll help if you can document what's been happening.

I applaud you to standing up to him and you now need to use that strength to get you and your baby removed from the situation.

It is not a healthy relationship with the arguing, fighting, drinking. You don't want your child exposed to this for any longer.

Start making a plan to exit. Speak to Women's Aid for advice who will be able to help you formulate your exit.

Sounds like you need to get social services involved.

Either way, you need to take your baby and leave. Please talk to your family or friends before this escalates. Today.

In the gentlest possible way, he’s been physically abusing you for 5 years (minimum). Why did you have a child with this man?
Children who witness DV are victims too and you have to think of it that way.

You need to call the Police to report assault but in any case, make plans to leave.
Contact SS - just call your nearest MASH and they’ll talk you through.
Don’t make excuses for him and stay. That’s failing to protect your child.
Good luck.

If your husband wasn’t an absolute bastard then yes he should change the nappy and your explanation about the night time nappies made total sense. But he was drunk.

Please don’t let your drunk husband charge your baby or hold your baby under any circumstances as it must be both distressing for the baby and dangerous.

It must be really tough being in an abusive relationship. You know you need to leave and hopefully some others in this thread will have great advice on how to do that.

In the mean time, please please please protect your helpless 6month old. It’s exhausting and unfair but you cannot let him help with the baby in anyway when he is drunk.

Good luck op

You are letting your baby down, and if you don't get out, you could do permanent psychological damage to that baby. Get out and never look back!

I'm just a person on the internet and I frightened for your baby. Please leave. You can talk to your Health Visitor, do you still take your little one to baby clinic? Or your GP? It's good to get a record with a professional.
Also absolutely ring Women's aid. You need a plan in place to protect your baby and yourself.

You need to leave op and you need to leave now.

Please speak to your health visitor or GP. Your baby is in danger. There is a very strong chance that your husband could hurt or kill him. It really is that serious. You cannot allow him to be brought up in this environment. It will do him terrible damage.

Please please get out. Have you family or friends you can go to?

OP have you tried to leave him before? If so, what was it that made you go back? My sister was in a similar position to you, alcoholic abusive partner and 1 small baby. The time she successfully left him there were so many factors that made it the time that stuck.

For example, he was very very manipulative, but that day he broke her phone. So he didn’t have direct access to her, even to talk about the baby, for weeks. His mother also could not call her and guilt her and make it all her fault (he learnt it from his mum it turns out). My sister also happened to have more family around to help talk her down every time she started to doubt herself. To help sort out accomodation and moving her stuff and with childcare when she could not do it herself.

Start thinking about what you would need to make it stick and make it happen so that this time it sticks.

My sister never went back and you can do it too. You just need to work out what you need. Do you need a go between? Do you need a womens shelter if you don’t have enough family/friends to help etc. there is help out there and you can do this

Op did you get him out yet?

Hope you are both ok and safe now !!

OP how are you ?

I know it sounds really bad and maybe it sounds worse than it is on reflection and reading it out loud. He really would never hurt the baby and he does drink a couple most nights but it doesn't usually affect him. I know our arguments are really bad for my baby and I don't want to bring a baby up around this sort of thing. My parents argued all the time, they are still together and it doesn't seem to bother them that they had screaming rows and threw things at each other all the time when I was growing up. They have mellowed now with age and are happy together. My sister and I still talk about how much we hated it growing up and how anxious it has made us even as adults and I just can't bare it for my baby too. I feel like I married my dad, who I hated growing up, (we get on fine now that we are older). I felt like my husband was so different before we got married but maybe I ignored some red flags, I don't know. He is so nasty and tells me to "**k off" over nothing and I retaliate because I can't bare to be treated like that but I know this just makes it worse. He has no empathy for anyone else and thinks "life's hard, stop complaining and get on with it" my pregnancy was hard with no support or empathy on how difficult it is to be pregnant. I had no support or kind words when I had the baby and was just made to feel like i wasn't capable and "other women just get on with it". I hear how helpful and supportive other husbands are and it breaks my heart. I know a few of you have said, why did you have a baby with this guy. We were trying for many years and have gone through so many rounds of ivf because I so desperately wanted to be a mum and it really was my last chance. I love my baby so much it hurts.
I never wanted to have a relationship like this, I don't want to be spoken to in that way by someone that was supposed to love me. I am so embarrassed about how horrible my relationship is that I just don't tell anyone. I really would love his family to know how he behaves and some of the things he has done as I know they will be shocked and I know he would be very embarrassed. I am not the sort of person to tell people things like that especially his side of the family as its our relationship and it feels a bit "Jeremy Kyle" to air our dirty laundry but I feel like he gets away with being unchecked and other people think he is wonderful. He doesn't care what I think or how unhappy I am so talking to him makes no difference. None of my family are divorced and I am so ashamed and embarrassed that I have got myself into such a rubbish marriage. I feel so stuck, I have a small house that I bought (still mortgaged) before I met my husband (he didn't have any property or savings when we met) If I get divorced I would need to sell it and give him half the money and probably half my savings so I would struggle so much financially and would find it hard to buy a house for me and my baby. I would be back to square one and my job is now not very secure. I feel trapped but I want to give my baby the best life possible and I won't be able to afford to if I am broke and homeless. And I know you will all say at least you are not in a toxic marriage and your baby doesn't grow up in that environment but I am really struggling to find a way that doesn't put me on or below the Bread line which will make it hard for my baby growing up too. I feel like this is the only place I can talk

Why would you need to give him half? Its a short marriage, plus you are primary carer of a very small child. You might have to give him something, but not much.

He doesn't love you. He has physically assaulted you and the baby. All the words in the world can't hide these facts. You and your son deserve better, even if you have less money.

Go and see a Solicitor OP. If he’s got a drinking problem then you will be resident parent, so you will get a greater share of the assests.

As someone who didn't leave soon enough, go now, don't look backwards. He probably starts an argument as an excuse to d3ink more. The baby is the power he has over you. He may not hurt the baby intentionally but suppose he trips up or drops him.
I could never face sleeping with my exh after he drank as he stank, had Ed and was rough. He often accused me of having affairs as I wouldn't 'put out' this is no life. I have found Al anon very helpful. Have you got family you can go and stay at? It's so hard to leave but alcoholics get worse. Very few get help even when they lose everything.