Does anyone here identify as having a disorganised attachment style?

[MillieB1989]

If so, how does it affect your relationships? Or even life in general, what do you find you struggle with. I think I have this style and looking to hear others experiences.

Can't help I'm afraid. I identify as Fearful Avoidant.

So basically I'm doomed.

Hi OP, yes, I’d go with that attachment style, I use ‘unresolved’ as the descriptor. It has played out as having a sense that people either don’t see me accurately or they don’t see me at all. The result is I care take people but don’t say much about myself, and with men I gravitate to relationships with unavailable folk. I see it as my way of getting intimacy, but not too much of it and on my terms. Needless to say, I’ve had some unhappy relationships. I’m working to change things but it means owning up to having needs and not suffering in silence.

It's hard isn't it. I can totally relate to picking unavailable men as well.

I think I have this style. I gravitate towards unavailable men- either they are emotionally unavailable or there is some gap between us, could be logistical or cultural, for instance. I also find myself pushing men away, looking for reasons not to trust them. I have a small number of very loyal friends I love but find it quite hard to make new friends often. I just generally feel as though there is a pane of glass between me and most people. I would love nothing more than a close, loving relationship where we don't live miles apart or I'm not afraid they will lose interest. It just feels like I don't have the rule book and I feel as though people would simply not be interested in me a lot of the time.

I think normally what this style is based in is a lack of self-awareness – a clear understanding about who you are (what you genuinely like and dislike vs what you think you 'should' like and dislike, what your values are, what your goals are, what you're really good at, what you're not so good at, what you can work on and improve and what you just have to or are prepared to accept).

Without a clear sense of these elements, you can't really have self-confidence - ie the ability to stand up for what you want or believe in, and you'll also frequently pick partners who aren't really right for you based on surface-level attraction only or pretending to be someone they might like, and then you'll spend a lot of time worrying about whether you can or should reveal your 'true' self and whether they will like that person as much as they liked the person you were pretending to be to get them to like you.

It usually comes from having parents or peer relationships where you were basically bullied/guilted into being someone you're not.

So start by asking yourself really basic questions like, "If I was the only person on earth and money was no object, how would I want to spend my life? If I got to choose one perfect person to come and live on Earth with me, what would they like doing with me?"

@CheekyHobson very well put. I did a lot of care-taking and adapting as a child, to my parents, whilst having a lot of peer group rejection at school. I ended up as a bit of a ‘hollow shell’ as a young adult, with very fragmented memories of childhood, mostly unpleasant ones. A lot of therapy has given me clarity and other options, but I spent a lot of years just bouncing about from job to job wondering why I felt isolated in all of them, and why friendships were so one-sided, usually with me care-taking and accepting any crumbs of companionship from the other person.

@Craftycorvid your post really resonated with me.

I think I’m just beginning to realise/admit to myself that I have a disorganised attachment style.

Growing up, my father was abusive, unpredictable and erratic. He would blow up at the slightest thing, such as asking him if we could go to the park or if I could have a biscuit. If I cried he’d shout and tell me not to be one of ‘those’ children who whinged. On the occasions he was nice/playful towards me, there would always reach a point where he would suddenly ‘turn’ and shout at me, or sometimes hit me. I hadn’t done anything wrong, it’s just how he was. I remember accidentally spilling a drink over the table. He stood up and flipped the table over, shouting at me and waving his fist. My mum was a mess and I spent a lot of time responding to her needs when she should have been responding to mine.

I really fear romantic relationships. I fear unpredictability and hostility. And yet the three most significant relationships I have had in my 30-odd years have been with unpredictable and erratic men. Clearly something is playing out, I’m repeating a pattern. Maybe it’s because unconsciously I want them to stop the behaviour and just love me and treat me kindly, like I wished my father could have. I’ve been in therapy on and off for years and still have a long way to go. Unfortunately I can no longer afford it and getting it on the NHS is very difficult.

It’s reached a point where I can’t imagine being in a relationship again, despite desperately wanting that closeness and connection. They are too painful for me.

In terms of friendships, like @Craftycorvid I’m a caretaker and say little about myself. I’ve had a very stressful year and almost fell apart under the strain yesterday. But I couldn’t think of a single person to ask for help. I don’t feel able to reveal that much of myself, my vulnerabilities, or open myself up to rejection. I don’t allow myself to get that close to people. I’ve never felt able to rely on anybody because I couldn’t rely on the two people in this world I should have been able to - my parents. At school I was a loner, I was depressed and couldn’t find anyone I felt I had anything in common with. I had a breakdown as a young teenager and dropped out entirely.

I have a couple of close friends but neither are nearby. Since my last relationship ended I feel increasingly isolated and I’m not sure how to change it, despite my best efforts with Bumble BFF, meetup etc. Like somebody said upthread, it’s like there’s a pane of glass between me and the rest of the world.

@Lazul1. Your post is very moving to read, and I’m sorry the child you were had such poor parenting. I also hope it helps to resonate in the sense of not being alone on the journey. I wanted to offer hope. It’s great that therapy has given you such insight into your patterns of attachment but, bloody hell, insight really sucks, doesn’t it? You’ve survived a lot in your life, and to do that you’ll have used a range of strategies - including the care-taking one. Whatever you (and I) have done to remain standing, props to us. One thing I’ve found very powerful for building what’s called earned secure attachment is parts therapy; essentially, you do two things: use the amazing care-taking capacity to look at the different stages of your life as different ‘parts’ of you and retrospectively give them what they need. My experience is it’s very hard for chronic care-takers to be kind to themselves but it becomes possible if imagining that little girl part and how much she needed kindness, not anger. She’s probably triggered in all kinds of daily situations (my parts are). Over time I’ve learned to recognise when a bad mood or feeling relates to a particular part and address the need of that part. May sound a bit cuckoo but is very effective. Janina Fisher has written about this concept very well, so I’d recommend her books to you.

My partner has this and he's very difficult to live with sometimes (when triggered , going through a stressful time etc). Other times he can 'appear' fine .
He has unresolved childhood trauma, abandonment issues (absent, damaged parents) - and he's finally dealing with it now with a very good therapist.
I've read up on disorganized attachment and listened to various clips to get a better understanding, but i have to say it does impact our relationship,not all the time but I'm aware some things that are simple to me are hard for him. Fear of intimacy, letting go, trusting and feeling safe. He often feels overwhelmed with being loved , finds it uncomfortable etc. He can't handle disagreements, any kinda argument, is a people pleaser, puts others first , struggles stating his own needs out of fear. Major fear of abandonment hence being detached at times to protect himself. Always low-level flight & fight , vigilant , struggles to relax.
Highly sensitive but keeps slot inside.
Having said that , he is a good person, kind, great dad and overall lovely.
We've been together 10 years so I've become more in tune with his ways , and Im taking things less personally and just accept that's just how he is.
People with this do usually want to be in relationships and they try hard , as long as they work on it (alone or with professional) I think they can live a healthy life . Just don't ignore it , look at the root (childhood stuff) and like with any mental health issue , it's good to talk about it X