4 months and still crying after narcissists discard

[JLBear12]

I feel so ashamed of myself for being so weak. Its over 4 months since he discarded me and yet I still cry over it. I should hate him, he used me and abused me and then just left me and my daughter like we were nothing. We were together 5 and a half years xx

@JLBear12
Dont be ashamed of yourself - he treated you badly, don't join in x

5.5 years is a long time.
My Nex relationship was similar length (2nd time around too!)
Still being sad / upset after a few weeks is not surprising.

Have you done much looking into the effects of a Narc rship?
They are surprisingly deep so it will take time to recover.
But you will x

@52andblue thank you for your reply. Yes I have looked at it all and he fits everything for a covert narc. I just feel so empty and then there he is with a new woman enjoying life. It's so unfair xx

I feel so ashamed of myself for being so weak

None of this is anything he has done to you. He is now doing precisely nothing to you: he's not even there. What's happening now is that you're judging yourself negatively ('I'm weak') and then judging that view of yourself ('I'm ashamed of myself'), and this negative spiral can go on and on. Next you'll be disappointed with yourself for being ashamed of being weak, then you'll be angry at yourself for being disappointed with yourself for being ashamed of being weak, then...

See how it goes? Ditch the initial negative judgment. It's the thing that makes us crave the love of narcs in the first place. We class ourselves as 'x' negative thing, but narc tells us we're great, so that's ok. Even if they're sometimes not that nice to us, at least we get told we're great sometimes. And then even if they're mostly not that nice to us, at least we get told we're great occasionally. And then never, but at least they told us we were great within the last few weeks... and then few months... This is how they hook us in.

Ditch the negative self judgment: He hurt you very badly by treating you appallingly. Now, as any ordinary human would, you hurt. There's nothing to criticise here. It takes a long time to get over. It will take longer if you keep beating yourself up, and as soon as you stop beating yourself up, you'll be on the road to recovery. He isn't harming you now, you are.

His new woman is in for the same fate as you. Would you really want to go back and do it all again, knowing he's the kind of man who can do this?

@Watchkeys thank you so much for taking the time to send such a long message and you are right, its my negative thinking that's the problem now. I think I really needed to hear all that xx

Been where you are, @JLBear12 Start being nice to yourself, never stop.

Write everything down, especially your self judgments, and switch them. So, when you write 'I'm ashamed of myself', query it: what have you actually done that you think any ordinary person should be ashamed of? When you write 'I'm so weak', query whether other people would quite reasonably still feel hurt, in your position. Query all your self views, replace them with kind views. 'You are weak', 'You should feel ashamed' are horrible things to say to/feel about a person, don't you think?

Something I was told re self judgment was 'There's nothing wrong with you except that you think there's something wrong with you.' It really helped me. You're completely normal, you know. You feel hurt because it's normal to feel hurt. Look after yourself like you'd look after anyone else who was hurting. 'You're weak and should be ashamed' is far from the mark, viewed from that angle.

Hey! Stop that thinking and definitely do not feel shame! All you pine for the the wonderful person he pretended so well to be. They are insidious. And to recover can take forever, but it gets easier and easier. I'm being hoovered right now.. I just remind myself not to forget the real person and the damage he caused and then I get strong and control the narrative again.

Thank you, it's so nice to feel supported xx

I've heard that you need a month of recovery for every year of the relationship. So it's OK, but really- used and abused ? Try to find your anger, step in to your best self and see that you can't possible want to return to any if it. Good luck OP.

I really recommend CBT. It helps change your way of thinking.

Narcissists wear you down mentally and emotionally. I'm not surprised in this short time that you're still off-centre. My Narc was a close friend but she had me not knowing which way was up or if I was a good person or not. It took months for me to feel back up to full strength (which I finally managed by getting angry and staying angry with her for a long time. It's gone now, I just feel a kind of pity-from-a-distance thing for her that she will never be happy).

It's not you, it's really not. You're dealing with all the usual fallout from ending a relationship, and finding a new balance in your life. You need time for that. And after being entangled with that kind of abuse you're starting from a place that's been deliberately undermined by a calculating and cruel person. That's going to take as long as it needs - for you to find who you were supposed to be before all the doubts were forced in.

The first thing is to realise that it was them, not you. They are manipulative and very good it it. They'll have been consciously and subconsciously honing their abusive skillset for years. It's not your fault that you expect people to function within 'normal' rules of society and get a bit lost when you find someone who isn't. Don't take any blame for this.

Years down the line and I'm better at people-spotting now. If someone makes me hesitate, even for a second, I listen to that. I still wouldn't say it could never happen to me again, because these people are clever.

@elfycat - that is a very wise post. 'Narcissism' is a rather banded about term atm but if you've been involved with a true Narc, for years, as the OP has, then recovery will take time. It is a process which will take as long as it needs to but you will get there x

It's over a year for me and I am still sad sometimes. I have recently been diagnosed with ADHD too so I am holding a lot of guilt and questioning if I had a role to play in the abusive behaviour. Luckily I have family who remind me that ADHD or not be treated me badly.

Keep your chin up it will get better I promise.

I think it's the fact that he discarded my daughter when he encouraged her to call him dad, shes special needs and she doesnt understand, just knows someone has just disappeared xx

@hybridoaties

It's over a year for me and I am still sad sometimes. I have recently been diagnosed with ADHD too so I am holding a lot of guilt and questioning if I had a role to play in the abusive behaviour. Luckily I have family who remind me that ADHD or not be treated me badly.

Keep your chin up it will get better I promise.

This is exactly where I am at. I'm 6 months down the line and I know I could be difficult at times, but I didn't deserve to be treated the way I was.