Why do taken men need to feel wanted

[Palmtreeizland44]

By others. I don't mean men who go out and have affairs. I mean why do some men have an attractive girlfriend and a happy relationship but they still can't resist messaging other women or liking other women's pictures. Why do some men wreck their partners trust by doing this?

My boyfriend was absolutely devastated when his ex dumped him after finding out he was messaging an old school friend (late 40s) he regretted it so much he took 2 and a half years to even consider a new relationship and family said he wanted her back for ages after. One member said she didn't think he'd ever truly forgive himself for what he did. I've even heard him say he will never forgive the old school friend for telling his Ex stuff.

So he's 18 months in with me. We are happy but I've noticed certain women go through stages of being very hearty like on all his posts. There's been a few that are married etc but still seem to be very allover his Facebook. Nothing massively flirty but enough for me to notice. One in particular is from his teen years in his old town. She's currently messaging my boyfriend about her struggles in life and her boyfriends an alcoholic. She's found my boyfriend useful to talk to even though they haven't met for 32 years. I had a chat with him yesterday and raised my concerns about history repeating itself and he was Hurt but promised me he would never ever talk to anyone like he does me and he said it makes him sad I don't trust him. I know I need to believe him as I've not got any really evidence there's an issue other than knowing she's speaking with him. They both like eachothers Facebook posts and she is one of these women who puts hearts and kisses to everyone and doesn't consider how it may appear.

I just struggle to understand why he's almost putting himself back in a place again that caused him alot of pain before.

Why hadn't he learned.

How long have you been together?

Men in these situations I think generally get very, very comfortable in a relationship with their significant other and find that they become bored.

Not all of them obviously but that’s generally why they begin messaging around I think. Or for an ego boost, or to find out whether they have other options, or to find out whether they would be able to find someone else if they separated from their partner. Maybe they just want a bit of attention from another source that they deem more ‘glamorous’ that they haven’t seen the daily reality of life with.

There are so many reasons. They wouldn’t do it unless they thought they’d get away with it and when they don’t they lie about their own reasons for doing so.

It feeds their ego...that's all

How about they are great people who are capable of having friendships with a range of people. ( ignore this if it has a sexual element)!

We've been together 18 months. When we first got together he was stressing over his brothers ex messaging him. I knew full well they had been messaging as she asked him why he suddenly stopped messaging and he should have said he had a girlfriend. He really cleared up his Facebook after meeting me. It's like I can see he's behaving but there's the odd person I think he still has a chat too. I mean sometimes he will make me aware that such and such had messaged. He does tend to let struggling people know hes there. Male and female. Because he drank and took an overdose after his ex and he moved into separate homes. This woman he's chatting to currently is a woman with issues. She's a fully functioning mother with a job but she atruggles with cocaine. She's fairly attractive and I think my boyfriend is being a little bit sucked in by her. But I can say with confidence he has no intention of loosing me. It's his biggest fear. He's very attached to me and it shows.

It sounds like too much work.
Bin him.

He sounds like a rescuer type. I had an ex boyfriend like this. He was so mixed up in so many dramas, it was bizarre. He dumped me then married someone else really quickly, she seemed crazy frankly and his reasoning was she "needed him" and I had never needed him.

he then proceeded to constantly message me and want to meet up / booty call. It was unfun.

I'd think carefully before getting seriously involved with this guy, OP

Probably a combination of: failure to establish appropriate boundaries or even recognise what these are; boredom; feeds his ego; excitement. He will doubtless be devastated if you end it with him because of this and pretend he had no idea it would upset you.

He's a struggler I guess but I know he hasn't much support in terms of family. Rubbish dad and his mum died. Ex wife kept his children and made life extrermly hard until they were 16 and 18..he's just ended up quite alone. I think he's used women as a way to feel needed.

I checked his phone the other day for the first time and I found nothing bad. But it was worse in a way because he's deleted the messages between him.and this woman but kept other people's. So it does make me wonder why he has deleted it.

I've noticed he tends to talk with women from his school days who live about 1.5 hours from us. Almost like he's nor willing to do it on his doorstep which indicates he's not wanting to see them.

Others are right OP, he has White Knight syndrome and a drama addiction.

Let this one go - unless you fancy spending your life policing his phone and social media .

You're certainly not alone, I had this in every relationship I've had, they stop appreciating me and look for attention even though I've done my best. I now rather be single than tolerate men constantly all over other women online. Keep your options open and don't feel bad about giving him a taste of his own medicine. Then ditch him.

I'm younger than him by 15 years. I expected him to be mature as my two boyfriends in my early 20s were very into messaging other women. I am hoping this is something his therapist he's nows seeing will help him see. I noticed when I first met him he had the following

His Ex wife's twin.
His brothers children's mums
His exes old friend

All those are deleted now. But it's like if he fell out or lost someone he had to be able to communicate with someone they are linked too. Almost like a power trip.

I think its a deep routed issue as I don't believe he wants to cheat on me at all. I just think he's needing something from this and I wish he'd stop.

But op he told you exactly ego he was when he said he would never forgive his old school friend for telling his ex. That's not a good person. That is a person who is only sorry he got caught. Who didn't take responsibility for what he did wrong. Who blamed others.

The question is, why didn't YOU learn? He told you he did it to one partner already. You are no more special to him than she was. He told you he is angry at the woman friend as if it was somehow her fault - he can't actually take responsibility for the hurt HE caused. And he is repeating similar patterns of behaviour.

I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. And you don't either, for damn good reason.

He told you who he was early on. You thought he would be different with you. He is showing you that this is not the case. Listen to your gut.

*exactly who he was

That being said op, why is he having to delete them all off social media?

The trust is gone and never coming back if he cannot have women on there without you worrying he is having an emotional affair with them.

OP - he's a much older man with a need for drama who you can't trust and with baggage and possible cheating tendencies coming out of his ears. Do you really want that?

If so I'd need to have full access to his social media and no deleting messages. Even then, he could just make another FB to hide it. You don't trust him at the end of the day. So what's the point.