Having no friends except my bf is breaking me

[TonkaBean22]

Hi.

I feel so embarrassed admitting that I’m friendless and lonely.

On the outside, my life doesn’t look so bad. I have a well-paying job, a lovely partner, and live in a beautiful city. I have a lot of interests, travel solo around the world, and I don’t think I have awful breath or bad hygiene!

I moved here from the U.K. in late 2019, just before covid struck. And since then I have struggled to make any meaningful connections. Everyone my age seems to be married with children (I’m 31) and too busy to do anything, or living some sort of eternal youth, clubbing and drinking and taking drugs, which is not my scene at all.

Back in the U.K. I never had loads of friends, but there was always someone to go to the pub with after work or chat to. Here there’s nothing.

I don’t use social media, and I’m not fluent in the local language (though most people here speak perfect English). I’ve tried language lessons, going to fitness classes, yoga, walking my dog, meeting my partner’s friends, trying to befriend colleagues; but nothing sticks. I don’t have a close relationship with my family either, so many days the only people I speak to are my partner and work colleagues for work-related issues.

I was curious about how ‘invisible’ I really am, so I turned my phone off for a month. I didn’t have a single message when I turned it back on. I tried reaching out to a few people I know to see if they’d like to go for a walk or grab a coffee, but they all ignored my messages, or said they would but then flaked the day before.

I’m worried there’s just something wrong with me. I’ve never had trouble with relationships, just friendships. It’s really hard never having anyone to share things with, do activities with, or even be a listening ear. I feel so invisible that if I died, no one would even notice.

I’m at the point where I’m thinking of having a baby just so I have some human company that’s not my partner. And maybe some mothers would give me the time of day then. I honestly don’t know how to fix it. But I’m crying whenever my partner isn’t around (I don’t want him to know how bad it is, because he can’t help) and it’s impacting my motivation and ability to focus at work.

Sorry for the long message. But I needed to write it all down.

that sound tough OP and its good you have your partner and work colleagues so are not completely alone.

Could you join a language class to meet people in a similiar?

also remember the pandemic has affected everyone and I've noticed more and more people are happy to stay at home and not socialise, so its probably not you.

Do you have any friends who would like a trip abroad to stay with you?

and lastly how do you interact with people? are you a good listener and engaged with the conversation? most people love being listen to and understood so this could help you develop friendships.

I don't know if bumble works in this country. Its qn app for making friends in your local area. If not, there is also Meetup which does kore group based events that you might meet ppl through. I'm sure there are others around you in sa similar situation, you just have to find ways to meet them.

I’m sorry that you’re finding things tough op and I understand so very well that loneliness you’re feeling. Sometimes it takes a long time to ‘break through’ with people when it’s not your home town. You may have done this but I think being consistent is the key. Yoga is great (I see you’ve tried it but did you go many times?) and when you find a class with ‘potential friends/kind looking people’, keep going to that particular class. Get there a little early and try to chat to people while you’re waiting. Become a familiar face. Do you play any sports? Could you play tag rugby or ladies football? I do know how you feel - it took me ages too! There’s nothing wrong with you at all. It’s not easy I know. Persevere and keep your head up

I can relate to much of what you said. It's hard enough coming from another country, but when the culture and the language are different then it seems like an uphill battle.

Try to remember that there is nothing wrong with you, it's them. It's hard as a newcomer to try and tap into established social circles etc. unfortunately a lot of people simply can't be bothered and are not looking for new friends.

I'm a fair bit older than you but yes when in my thirties it used to bother me. I also never had kids so never really clicked with women my age.

The way I try to manage my feelings about it is to go back to the UK regularly for holidays.

Do you WFH? This could be another problem with being isolated. I also work WFH on the computer and I had to get a small PT job just to get out of the house to save my sanity. It did help.

Having children is a brilliant way of making new friends. Obviously you need to be sure you're with the right person! But really, I can't recommend it enough for finding friends and not only when they're born but all the new stages they go through - nursery, school, etc

I don't live in the country I was born in. I've had to make friends- and it be quite hard going at times and sometimes tit doesn't always feel reciprocal. But you have to ignore that. You need to put a fair bit of effort in, with regular contact. You make it harder for yourself by not being on social media. I hate to say it, but regular likes and warm comments can really help develop friendships on others profiles. Without that, you will be invisible to a lot of people.
But really, all the friends I have now are from having children- other parents with DCs of the same age. And from my hobby, which is music.

OP search for Ladies Circle or Agora groups in your area. They’re all over the world and exist specifically to help women build a circle of friends.

Which country is it? Maybe someone on here will know which apps or forums to use.

You may be making things harder by not using social media. I've found its easier to simply go along with whatever social media any group uses rather than try to be that person who doesn't use Facebook and someone has to remember to text them but more often than not doesn't. Sometimes you have to be realistic.

Don’t have children until you have a likely network of support around you. They are a fantastic way to make friends once they get to school but they isolate you even more if you don’t know anyone with kids the same age.

The worst part is that if you ever feel so unhappy there that you want to come home (and having a baby so alone can really exacerbate the feelings), it is very unlikely you will be able to, unless your boyfriend agrees to it, you leave your child behind or are prepared to spend £10,000s fighting a removal of jurisdiction battle you are unlikely to win.

@WhatNoRaisins

You may be making things harder by not using social media. I've found its easier to simply go along with whatever social media any group uses rather than try to be that person who doesn't use Facebook and someone has to remember to text them but more often than not doesn't. Sometimes you have to be realistic.

This is a good point. Work night outs and community events are organised via WhatsApp where I am now. I never used to do social media and missed out on lots of stuff.

Loneliness is so hard! Have been in similar situation but was younger so not the same challenges with respect to people having DC

Are there past friends you could go and visit, for a boost?

Having DC makes socialising and building and maintaining friendships much harder IME. Exhausting and can be isolating.

Also wouldn’t have DC until you fully understand the legal implications and are Ok with the negative scenarios, eg in event of a breakup it might not be possible to leave the country with your DC.

Would return to the language class and whatever hobbies you enjoy most as that’ll benefit you while you’re there - whether or not you make friends. And persist a bit if people cancel - eg if it’s only been cancelled once.

Perhaps try meet up apps?

Also, if you’re crying that often it sounds like some mental health support is needed - would seek to access this. I did that and should’ve done so much sooner.

I joined a women's only book club under similar-ish circumstances. It worked for me. Have you tried to tap into the local expat scene? They tend to be fairly open and welcoming.

I've never had any luck making friends in active situations like the gym, it's all surface level conversation and very fleeting.

I know that to make a connection I have to be able to have a conversation, and the book was a great way to facilitate that as I'm rubbish at small talk.

Go on social media! There are loads of local and Facebook groups, community organising, volunteering, classes, events, tonnes of ‘come and do litter picking on the beach’ type activities, cycling or running clubs - all sorts of things to help you get involved and help you to make friends.