The sheer exhaustion of having a DH who has NATs

[HeyHayHei]

NATs being ‘negative automatic thoughts.’ Essentially he’s the type of person who catastrophises, thinks everything will go wrong, discounting the positives, all those types of cognitive distortions.

It’s wearing.

Currently we are trying to buy a house. We tried last year but it fell through. Disappointing obviously but these things happen.

He’s like a bear with a sore head! This morning he told me:

• He can’t see us buying anywhere until at least next year
• There’s nothing he likes on the market now, which means that nothing is going to come up for months
• If something does come up, we won’t be able to get a viewing, as so many other people will be after it
• If we do get a viewing, we’ll enter and lose a bidding war, because “that’s our luck.”

I have tried to encourage all sorts of cognitive behavioural techniques to help him explore other ways of looking at the situation, but none of them work and he dismisses them out of hand.

It’s just so exhausting being around it! I wish he could see the positives and have some hope.

This used to just be called 'pessimism', didn't it?

Has he always been like this?

Tell him to look up the Law of Attraction - essentially you get back the energy you give out. If he keeps looking for the negatives he will find them!
Sorry OP it must be utterly draining living with him.

I don't mean to minimise something which you are finding difficult, but to be honest, my first thought was he may well be right. The property market is brutal for buyers at the moment.

How did you get married, didn't he see everything going wrong with that?

@Mananna

I don't mean to minimise something which you are finding difficult, but to be honest, my first thought was he may well be right. The property market is brutal for buyers at the moment.

It is brutal but you can’t go into it being all gloomy and pessimistic, surely?

Well, apart from assuming you'd lose a bidding war because of bad luck, the rest seems realistic of what trying to buy a property is like just now.

Why did you marry Eeyore?

Mine is the same; always expects the worst, very gloomy. Over time I’ve learned to tune him out because you’re right, it is exhausting. I married Eeyore too!

Is he own if those people who needs to say it, and then it’s done?

I’m slightly like this but I’m not actually anxious or upset I’m just mouthing off - however others can react to “lift me” and being all false positive (which drives me completely nuts!!)

I’m a natural realist but I do like to voice both sides … I’d hate to be only allowed to express one side of the coin!

Is NAT actually a condition? Isn’t it just someone being a misery? I couldn’t cope with being in a relationship with someone like that, what joy could he possibly being to any situation?

Ha - two years on and I’m searching the archives because he’s now behaving the same about the upcoming arrival of our first DC. Lots of ‘all or nothing’ thinking, and the size of his response to any perceived issue is far greater than it should be.

(FWIW we did get a house and moved in within three months of this post!)

Are you happy with this Negative Neil?

Yes, I am. He gets anxious about specific issues, which many people do. It’s hard for me to bring him out of it during these times but not a reason to leave the marriage.

I don't know how you could have had sex with someone so miserable.

Its not your responsibility to 'bring him out' of his grumps. He is an adult.

Your poor kid is going to be growing up under his black cloud of 'NAT' being a grouch is not a diagnosis

Thank you for your very kind and empathetic reply.

I do think the pp has a point though, uncomfortable as it may be.

While it's just you and him, the love and rest of the relationship may well make up for his Eeyore behaviours.

But I think he ought to seek out help so he doesn't inflict it on your child. You're an adult and you struggle at times with the effect his moods have on you, so he really needs to up his game for when he's a father.