MIL indifferent or independent?

[Eleano]

When me and my fiancé got engaged she said ‘oh nice’ and proceeded to walk out of the door to not be late for her social commitment. She didn’t tell any of her circle and instead we witnessed her friend’s bewilderment every time they found out through someone else and not her.

Then we bought a house 3 months ago, a 20-minute drive from her house. Even though she comes to our new neighbourhood to go for walks with friends she has never once popped round to say hi to me (I work from home alone). My fiancé has explicitly asked his mother to visit me explaining to her that I am struggling with my grief (lost my mother in September) and in need of a bit of company once a week - if she could just pop over for a cup of tea nothing more. Her response has been that it’s impractical for her to combine her walks with visiting me - end of story.

When we hinted at trying for a baby and her husband said they’d help out she interjected jokingly and told him to hold his horses.

I feel a mix of disappointment and confusion about her behaviour. My fiancé keeps saying “yes she is cold” but feels unable to influence her behaviour.

Can someone tell me why they think she has this attitude and how I can change the power balance here because I feel like she gives zero while I’m super nice to her and asking for a closer relationship.

I want to gain some respect from her and maybe even make her stop taking us for granted - any ideas?

My mil was the same. When we announced I was pregnant she hissed dh's ex had wanted his dc!! Out of dh's earshot of course. She never bothered with ds whatsoever.. She text me once. About my pets... Not about the premature baby I had just had.. We just got on with our lives. And she didn't come to our wedding. Wasn't invited.

She was well within her right to tell her husband to hold his horses with regard to helping out with any potential baby, such help probably falling upon her. We have seen so many times on MN where the DIL then expects free time childcare.

She sounds very much as though she is still very active and independent. My guess is that she has her own stuff going on. Did your DP ever socialise with his parents before or are you expecting them to now that you are a couple. Perhaps they just haven't gone through the transition to family socialisation as such if they are young and have their own friends. Maybe you are expecting more because you have recently lost your mother for which sorry for your loss.

Perhaps make separate invitations for her to come rather than it be added to visits with her own friends especially when she knows you are supposed to be working. Again if she is on MN she probably has seen all the threads about ILS who visit unannounced by DILS who don't want those visits because they are doing just that - working from home.

I would just concentrate on getting on with your lives. Give her a wide ish birth. If she's going to be difficult then minimum contact will be best for all of you.

She sounds independent and has a life of her own, honestly most of the threads on here complain about interfering ILs and you are complaining your MIL doesn't 'pop round' enough. I had an adult DS and I would always prefer to be on the cautious side regarding a relationship with a future DIL ... I wouldn't dream of 'popping round' unannounced and I have my own job, hobbies, interests, friends, social life, elderly DPs to look after etc etc so being a child carer (barring emergencies) would be way down on my list of priorities.

Why in earth is the MIL being described as 'difficult'?

That's a lot of wants directed at one person. Mil is her own person her DS shouldn't be trying to 'influence' her to be someone you think she should be.

I'm sorry about your mum and I think this is the route of the issue but you can't expect her to be some sort of grief counsel or befriender, that would make the relationship weird.

Also agree with the hold your horses comment. No.doubt her husband when offering to help wasn't offering his help but hers.

You want a close relationship with someone who, for whatever reason, doesn't want one with you. It sounds like mismatched expectations and compatibility although in an ideal world your future Mil would be more warm and welcoming. It's not your fault.

I don't think there's much you can do to change her but you may save yourself a lot of disappointment and frustration by just accepting this is how she wants to be. Instead of fawning or strategising perhaps just step back, treat her respectfully when you see her but look elsewhere for that close 'mother' relationship. Your grief, understandably, is probably driving this. Do you have any relatives or friends you can talk to about this? Would grief counselling help?

Sorry for your loss
Is your MIL close to your DH? Does she have other DC? Works full/part time?
It sounds like she doesn't like you (for whatever reason) and so feels ill equipped and unable to help you with your grief. She cant replace your own mum and her husband shouldnt be offering you her childcare help under those circumstances. It'll be her loss in the longterm.

With the greatest respect I think you’re trying to search for a replacement for your Mum in her & you need to remember she’s your DP’s mum not yours & will never feel maternal about you. You can try and become friends with her but do that in the same way you’d do with your actual friends - eg inviting her for coffee / dinner etc. Don’t expect more.

@Ragwort

Why in earth is the MIL being described as 'difficult'?

I know. Very confused that the things she has done are somehow making her difficult. She sounds very sensible to me and I would be telling my husband to back off if he started volunteering me for childcare duties because, let's face it, mostly it's the grandmas who get that job. Maybe she doesn't even want to share childcare duties with her husband. Perfectly within her rights to object.

confusion about her behaviour. My fiancé keeps saying “yes she is cold” but feels unable to influence her behaviour.

What is confusing you? Seems pretty clear to me. How much more clear would you want it to be?

My fiancé keeps saying “yes she is cold” but feels unable to influence her behaviour.

Don't like this at all. Cold? What is cold about what she has done. Managing her behaviour? Wow, she's an adult behaving normally, not a child who needs her behaviour correcting.

My perfect MIL right there! 🤣

In the nicest possible way (because you genuinely sound confused rather than nasty) but you are being a bit entitled.

I would have to ask why you chose to announce the engagement just as she was leaving to go somewhere (I might in her shoes be really pleased for you but wonder why you felt everything should be dropped for you ) my exmil rolled her eyes and said she couldn't tell anyone because it would upset her best friend who didn't like me. So whilst I get the disappointment it's odd to try to coopt her time.

It's really not her job to be told to come and comfort you , nor is expecting her to pop in while you wfh (which in itself is unfair as loads of people don't like being disturbed..me included.)

In truth I think you have put expectations on her that suit you without consideration for her, she's not a puppy at your beck and call to be told how to manage the relationship.

I genuinely don't think you meant it , perhaps it what you are used to but it's very much not reasonable to dictate this sort of thing to your MIL.

I am really sorry about your mum but the relationships are, and frankly should be, very different.

Im sorry for your loss, but your MIL isn't there to take over as your surrogate mum.
She doesn't need to pop in to keep you company and frankly I find it bizarre that you and your DP thinks she should.
She doesn't want a closer relationship and you shouldn't try to force one

I bet if you did have children, she would expect you to go running around after her arranging all the visits and doing all the driving to and fro, though. Remember how she is treating you now, and don't be tempted to use your future children as an admission ticket into her heart. It won't work.

I'm very sorry for your loss

I think she does sound quite cold, particularly just saying “oh nice” and walking out reaction to your engagement. I do think expecting her to stop round once a week as regular thing to help you might be a bit much if you’re not close at all. And appreciate she might not want to do any childcare for your future children, that’s fair enough.

For whatever reason (and appreciate it may be painful) this might just be who she is, or she hasn’t taken to you for some reason. It’s painful (and particularly as you’ve just lost your own mum) but I don’t really think there’s anything you can do to force someone in this way if they don’t want to. She may come around in time but I would really stop trying to dwell on it and chase the affections of someone who isn’t interested.

Do you and your fiancé socialise with them generally as a couple? How are they then?

I don’t think she’s “taking you for granted”, OP. She’s just not interested in developing a close relationship. She’s busy with her own stuff.

Gently, I think your grief is causing you to seek a mother figure. The first year after losing my mum was awful, I was devastated. I was emotionally all over the place and I’m sure you are too.

When your mum is gone, it’s easy to think “but HIS mum is just fine, and isn’t even behaving like a Mum to us…”
For me it was my FIL moaning about aging; all I could think was “you’re 10 years older than my mum and she’s DEAD, so stop moaning you tone-deaf idiot.” Much biting of tongue required.

Your MIL isn’t doing anything wrong, she’s just got her own life going on.

Am very sorry to read of your mother's passing . I would suggest you contact CRUSE if you are in the UK as they are very helpful re bereavement counselling. Is your dad still alive?.

For her own reasons (which are nothing whatsoever to do with you) his mother is not at all interested in you or at all wanting to help further with childcare. She is very much unwelcoming and not at all warm. Do not set yourself on fire here to try and keep a person like this warm because it will not work out for you. Be polite but distant. Her priorities (her social life) lie elsewhere so tell her what she needs to know - nothing like . You cannot make a disinterested person interested in your life.

Think about your boundaries here re his mother; what is and is not acceptable to you from her would be a starting point. Her behaviour post your engagement announcement was unacceptable; did her H leave at the same time and what did your fiance think?.

What does your fiance think of his mother's behaviour; he is key here. Does he have any siblings; if so how are they treated?. Does he really have your back; it seems so in some way because he has commented to you that she is cold. After all he should know because he's known her a lot longer than you have and he knows all too well what she is like. Such people do not change.

It sounds like she has her own social life and isn't overly invested in you and your partner which you might find cold but many would find a relief! "Don't hold your horses" would be my response if someone just volunteered me for babysitting duty too, to be honest! Not visiting is kind of normal? A lot of people don't like visiting or having visitors? I see endless posts on here about people complaining of MILs turning up to visit - finally one who doesn't want visits and that's not good either