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Relationships

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Original poster

Gut instinct kicking in and can't access his phone

26 replies

ToBeHappy · 22/03/2022 23:54

My gut is telling me that my H is hiding something from me on his phone.

I mentioned last week that I'd seen a message on his mates phone (his mate openly showed me whilst drunk) about some video of bikini clad girls on YouTube that he had replied to. Now I wasn't bothered about this in the slightest but his reaction was odd. He went really quiet, took the dog out for a walk, then came back and questioned why I'd not mentioned it before!

Anyway, I was asking him to look at something about DD school a couple of nights ago and leaned over to see the phone, he was trying to tilt it away from me.

Today I asked could I borrow it to make a WiFi call as mine doesn't do that. He looked hesitant and said he just needed to send a message. He made sure it was all unlocked and gave it me ready to dial. It locked quite quickly and I realised it had face recognition. I tried a password that we always use as a family and it didn't work. He said he doesn't use that one on his phone as he was sick of DD always being on it, but took it from me to unlock again.

I'm sorry for the long drawn out post but I'd be grateful for opinions here. Just a brief background we were due to separate in January due to arguing/growing apart but he begged for us to try again. Since then he's like a changed man, moods are better, doing loads more as a family, generally happier and making loads more effort to visit my family etc.

I found messages on his phone about 21 years ago when we'd only been together a year or so. We briefly split but I took him back.
I'm not sure if it's the mistrust from back then that's been stirred back up or whether I should be worried here.

I don't want to ask him to show me his phone as it will lead to an almighty argument. If I give him any indication that I suspect something he will delete evidence. How do I unlock an iPhone without his face or his password?!?!

OP posts:

Maves · 23/03/2022 00:06

If you gotta ask that then it's already done.

Mamas123 · 23/03/2022 00:10

Ask him for a take way? And use his phone to look at menu (your phone is out of battery) but "when looking at menu" and asking what he wants etc.... check whatever you need to.

Merriwicks · 23/03/2022 00:14

Wait until he is sleeping and use his face or his thumbprint

Original poster

ToBeHappy · 23/03/2022 00:22

@Maves

If you gotta ask that then it's already done.

I think deep I know this sadly. And I actually would see it as my way out. I don't have the strength to just end things for "no reason" other than I'm not that happy.

OP posts:

TheHaveN0ts · 23/03/2022 00:26

Just flipping ltb

iamsoreadyforbednow · 23/03/2022 02:37

Just ask for his phone, explain.. he was deceitful years ago and recent events like the reaction to the YouTube bikini video has set off that gut reaction.
Tell him you would feel better checking his phone, but this means handing it straight over, no “let me just send a message” “give me a second” “let me go get it” - no chance to delete or hide anything.

If the trust isn’t there then there’s no point in trying to be secretive too.

iamsoreadyforbednow · 23/03/2022 02:39

Oh and don’t let him do a “I’m so mad at you for not trusting me I’m going to storm off in a huff” then the next morning or whenever he’s suddenly happy for you to look at whatever you need to.

If he doesn’t hand over his phone the minute you calmly and fairly explain you just want to put your mind at rest then he’s not innocent.

CheekyHobson · 23/03/2022 02:59

I don't want to ask him to show me his phone as it will lead to an almighty argument.

Particularly given your history, if this is the state of things, then ending it is the best thing to do.

A relationship with without mutual trust (neither hiding anything of substance from the other) and respect (being prepared to respond to your partner's honest concerns with care, rather than dismissal or diminishment) is not a good relationship.

streamee · 23/03/2022 03:05

@Maves

If you gotta ask that then it's already done.

How glib, and untrue

Riseholme · 23/03/2022 03:34

I can’t imagine being in a long term relationship where phones are so guarded.
My phone is password protected just because I may lose it.
Even my 9 year old dgs knows my password.

All this secrecy around a phone.
There’s no trust so there’s no relationship imo.
You may as well call it a day.

Changeee1546789 · 23/03/2022 03:38

If it was me I would act totally normal and find a way to access his phone. Sorry I know that sounds sneaky but I would NEED to know for sure. Once you make accusations you can't take it back.

There must be a way to figure it out? Like a PP says wait til he is asleep. Does he go out and get drunk? If so do it then?

bluesberry · 23/03/2022 03:40

I think deep I know this sadly. And I actually would see it as my way out. I don't have the strength to just end things for "no reason" other than I'm not that happy.

If you're not happy then what's the point??
If you look at his phone and find nothing then are you going to condemn yourself to staying in this relationship even though you're not happy?

You said I don't want to ask him to show me his phone as it will lead to an almighty argument.
Do it, let the argument happen and that might give you the strength for an out!

simonlebone · 23/03/2022 05:21

Just ask him. Don't access his phone without his permission or do it with his permission and do the takeaway thing or similar. I've my phone password protected, as does my partner it's fairly normal and doesn't mean the person is 'up to anything'.
We don't have the right to violate any body's privacy like this regardless of your 'gut' or whatever. It's abusive behaviour if you do.

sammylady37 · 23/03/2022 05:55

If he doesn’t hand over his phone the minute you calmly and fairly explain you just want to put your mind at rest then he’s not innocent

Nonsense. I have nothing to hide but neither would i hand over my phone for scrutiny, as I value my privacy and that of my family & friends who message me. If someone decides I’m ‘not innocent’ based on that, well, let them. They clearly don’t trust me so would be no great loss anyway.

ToMockAKillingBird · 23/03/2022 06:45

My DH and I have the same password on our phones, ipads etc. Happy to use each others phone if one is out of battery etc.

Would face unlock work with a photo perhaps?

Original poster

ToBeHappy · 23/03/2022 08:58

Thank you for all your replies.
I think I do need to look at the phone without him knowing, which I know is bad. I did it years ago and found the evidence there in plain sight, in deleted items as he hadn't had the sense to delete those.

So much shit has happened the past few months but his behaviour really doesn't add up to him messaging someone/having an affair at the moment. Around Christmas, thinking back, yes definitely. He was vile and when we were discussing the separation he said he couldn't wait to get away from me.
My mind is running away with me but I'm wondering if there has been someone else who no longer wants him so he's all over me like a rash wanting to play happy families again.

OP posts:

Lovemusic33 · 23/03/2022 09:04

You don’t need a reason to leave him. He sounds horrible and that’s good enough reason to end it.

Crikeyalmighty · 23/03/2022 09:21

IT mightbnot be an affair OP, might be sleazy shit, porn etc — lots of blokes are happy enough to go along with this but know their wives won’t be ok with it— could it be he’s got apps on it he doesn’t want you to see, contact apps, dating apps— their are some weird men out there who have no intention of actually dating anyone but love the buzz of the messages. It could be lots of things. I would watch how he is with the phone does he take it absolutely everywhere- people up to shitty stuff often do and always face down on a table

frozendaisy · 23/03/2022 10:03

I would say "you recent secretness about your phone is driving me nuts with suspicion so what exactly are you hiding because I refuse to live like this for my own sanity, all this password change shit, it's bringing up suspicions of 21 years ago, which I know sounds crazy, but it is and we are where we are with bikini girl videos, which is sleazy by the way, so what's going on?"

frozendaisy · 23/03/2022 10:04

Either he cares about you driving yourself mad or he doesn't.

Every time he brought out the phone and was cagey I would be "oooo more young bikini girls eh"

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/03/2022 10:19

Re your comment:-
"Just a brief background we were due to separate in January due to arguing/growing apart but he begged for us to try again".

I wonder why that was?. He perhaps did that because he finally saw that you, his personal house elf/slave, was now finally serious about leaving. Did he really tell you what you wanted to hear?.

You only need to give your own self permission to leave and besides which this relationship was over bar the shouting long before now. He indeed sounds horrible and this re his phone is merely the latest crap he's now pulling.

Would you want your DD to be in a relationship like this, no you would not. Its not good enough for you either.

Watchkeys · 23/03/2022 10:46

I'm not sure if it's the mistrust from back then that's been stirred back up or whether I should be worried here

These are not mutually exclusive. He screwed up years ago, and now you don't trust him. If it's there to be 'stirred back up', it's there, buried, under the rug, minimised. That's what you're doing with the feeling that you have to leave him, too. Sweeping it under the rug.

Start responding to your gut feeling, rather than 'What you think might be a better idea'. You're not trying to 'get it right', you're trying to be happy, and that means this is an emotion thing, rather than a mental decision thing. So, you have to be led by what you feel. Allow yourself to be.

Is your deep deep down feeling that you don't want to be in this relationship because you can't trust him?

CheekyHobson · 23/03/2022 22:14

He was vile and when we were discussing the separation he said he couldn't wait to get away from me.

If you'd had such a terrible few months up to Christmas that you were at the point of separating and him saying vile things like the above, when he did an about-face and started begging you to stay, what were the reasons he gave for wanting to try again?

Because the thing is, if he genuinely had a massive change of heart and realised that he was about to lose a relationship that really meant a lot to him, given that there's been a previous betrayal on his part, it doesn't make a lot of sense that if you told him now you felt he'd been funny about his phone lately and you needed to check it for your own peace of mind so that you could continue moving forward with the reconciliation, he'd put up a massive fight about it.

You've suggested maybe he was having an affair that's ended and he was left with no other option but to come back and try to play happy families again. It could also be that once he was genuinely facing the financial hit and organisational realities of becoming a single dad, it all looked a bit much like hard work so he put on a good show of wanting to reconcile.

If that were the case, and there was no genuine change of heart (ie he wanted a reconciliation not because he didn't want to lose YOU, but because he didn't want to lose his LIFESTYLE) it makes sense that a couple of months down the track, the effort of pretending to genuinely love and care about you is starting to be a bit hard to keep up. Whatever's on the other end of his phone (a secret girlfriend, messages from his mates, porn, who knows?) has become a bit more interesting than the woman right in front of him.

If this is the case, you don't need to find a way to secretly check his phone. You could just start watching his behaviour very carefully and ask yourself constantly "Is this behaviour that I would expect and accept from a man whose priority is rebuilding his relationship with his wife?"

Or, the short route would be to simply ask him for his phone for the reasons above. If he kicks up a massive fuss, that tells you that his priority is NOT rebuilding his relationship with you, and/or that he has something significant to hide. That's all you need to know.

CherryDocsInYrBalls · 23/03/2022 22:36

Your gut is telling you he is an unsafe partner. You might find something on his phone, you might not. If you don't find anything is he still safe to be your partner? To share your life with? Your dreams? Fears? Intimacy? Your gut is saying no.

Nothankyouv · 23/03/2022 22:40

Tracker on his car

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