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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Casual thing.

23 replies

Bella3456 · 22/03/2022 22:24

Hi all posted here a few times. Wanted advice. I left a bad relationship due to social services. They have left me alone now so all is good. Relationship long gone. Ive started having sex eith someone when my child is at his dads. Its casual. Neither of us want anything serious whatsoever. He comes round Friday and dissapears either Saturday or Sunday before my son comes back. We've had a chat and he knows I have no interest in introducing him to my son. And vice versa hes no interest its purely casual. Nothing wrong here obviously. Anyway hes very heavily into cocainw he doesn't sell it but he takes it most days (forgot to add we went to school together many years ago so he isn't a total starnger) as we aren't together i cant say that it bothers me as hes not in my child's life its casual and he only sees me weekends (dont really hear from him in the week) when I see him he is normally high as a kite and continues to be high as a kite throughout the day. I enjoy his company hes nice and not in any way a threat or abusive e.t.c. he won't won't ever meet my son for that very obvious reason. Ive spoke to friends and they agree that ik entitled to a sex life on the weekends and as long as he isn't near my son it shouldn't be a problem. I just have so much anxiety about it because I feel like even though I'm with him and know whats going on I just feel so uneasy that he's sat doing drugs all day (although my child is never around when he is of course) also want to add ive no interest in drugs whatsoever literally none. And when hes gone I live the normal single mum life until Friday again. When hes around me I feel absolutely fine and under no threat whatsoever but can't help still feeling 'wrong' about it all. I know what he is doing is illegal also of course. But hes one of these 'you only live once' type of people. Am I entitled to a sex life with someone like this whe my child isn't around? Or should I be giving him the boot. Would appreciate no nasty comments if possible because I've no intention ever of having him around my son at all as its just sex on a weekend.

OP posts:

Jane2658 · 22/03/2022 22:35

I would be worried in case social services got wind of the fact you were seeing a drug addict (even though your son isn't there) after being in a bad relationship before. Also, I wouldn't like him doing drugs in the house whether my son was there or not.

Redberries85 · 22/03/2022 22:40

Just sounds like more bad news OP, I wouldn’t bother for a bit of a shag. Spend your weekends on sorting yourself out (finding out who you are after abuse) or light dating non-drug addicts.
It’s a big chunk of your week to be around someone who does that

KimCheese · 22/03/2022 22:50

Nothing wrong with having a sex life, at all. Although it does seem to dominate your free time, do you do anything for just you? Spend any time on your own?

But he just doesn't sound that great, you can do better. I'm not sure really how great these chats are if he's off his tits?

So yes to sex - but yes to having standards too.

Hiddenvoice · 22/03/2022 23:11

Nothing wrong with having a sex life and a bit of fun but this guy doesn’t sound ideal.
I’d be worried about social services finding out.
Does it not bother you that he’s high around you?
If it was me, I’d end it and focus on being you for a while. Date people or meet up with people but not ones with drug problems,
You definitely deserve better!

Original poster

Bella3456 · 22/03/2022 23:13

Thanks girls! Its very strange I have to admit hes always off his tits whereas ik really into health and fitness so he will be chatting to me off his tits whole im doing my fitness dvd and yes its a very strange weekend to say the least 😂😂. I really do understand what everyone is saying it would make sense to at least go for someone with half similar values to me x

OP posts:

HellToTheNope · 22/03/2022 23:16

FGS, where are your standards? I wouldn't let someone like this near my home, never mind in my bed. This derelict spends time in your child's home. It's grim.

GiraffesInScarfs · 22/03/2022 23:44

If it's just for sex why does he need to stay at your house, sometimes for the whole weekend?

I would be worried about SS, too, given the history.

Also by letting him take drugs in your house you are also breaking the law, not just him. If it's a rented property you could lose your home. The landlord could also be in trouble even with no knowledge of it.

There may also be traces of drugs left around the place which is not great when this is your son's home.

He doesn't sound like a massive catch. 🤣 I can't imagine how it's much fun being around somebody who is on cocaine when you are sober and straight. How is that enjoyable?

If you want to sleep with him then do that. But get the drugs out of your son's home. If you see him when your son is away then go to his house, have sex then leave? If it's just about sex. Why would you want him in your home all weekend?

AHungryCaterpillar · 22/03/2022 23:55

I don’t get this either surely you could go to his house? Why does he need to come to yours?

Original poster

Bella3456 · 22/03/2022 23:58

I'm not going to make him sound any more of a catch when I reply now but he doesn't have his own house he's at home with his parents otherwise I would have done just that. Also agree about the traces of drugs even though I do a MASSIVE clean when hea gone its still in the back of my mind.

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/03/2022 00:13

If I was a mate, SS or your child's dad I wouldn't believe l:

That you weren't basically dating him as you see him so frequently - it may be casual but it's regular and he's in your child's home

That he wasn't leaving trace amounts of drugs in your child's home

That I could trust 100% you never joined in, so I would start to assume that you were trying it and that it could become a regular thing - not on nights out like some people but in your child's home

That there was zero chance of him meeting your son at some point

And because I wouldn't believe those things, I would think you were making absolutely piss poor decisions as a parent and not safeguarding your son to an acceptable level.

Whether those things are true or not isn't actually that relevant. The above still remains true re the perception of you as a parent and your safeguarding decisions.

Be completely honest, if you knew that your child's dad spent his weekends / a couple of days a week shagging someone coked up in your child's other home, TAKING drugs in your child's other home, would you respect him as a safe, stable and responsible parent?

GiraffesInScarfs · 23/03/2022 00:20

@Bella3456

Jesus OP 🤣🤣🤣🙈🙈🙈 Yeah, not a catch.

Basically a cokehead is using your house to do drugs all weekend because he lives with his parents and they wouldn't tolerate that presumably.

What a loser.

Ditch him.

altmember · 23/03/2022 00:35

I'm sure you could do better. If he won't see you sober then he's either a serious addict (sounds like it), or he values your company less than getting high. I've never met anyone who doesn't turn into a total prick once they've done a line of coke. Or if they're so addicted they need it to function normally, they're probably unbearable when on a downer.

It's probably only a matter of time before he starts stealing from you to fund his habit and there's even a chance he'll have heart attack in bed with you. Sounds melodramatic but I've known a few coke heads keel over in their 20's.

As an aside, no one's 'entitled to sex'. That sounds like the sort of thing someone who uses prostitutes or a rapist might say. Nothing wrong with casual, but get some self worth and only make it regular with someone who's worthy of you.

ChickenStripper · 23/03/2022 00:42

I read as far as the word "cocaine" - you could find plenty of men to shag that are not druggies. FGS.

GiraffesInScarfs · 23/03/2022 00:50

I also don't get the I can't say it bothers me as we're mot together thing?

He is doing this in your house. Of course you can say it's not ok! And even if it was not in your home, you can say you don't like this so don't want to be around him if he's high. You don't have to be in a relationship to say "no" to situations you don't like.

GiraffesInScarfs · 23/03/2022 00:52

He knows you have a child living there but is happy to do this in their home, putting the child at risk of going into care or losing their home?

None of this is good, OP. It's very far from just harmless NSA fun.

HellToTheNope · 23/03/2022 01:03

@Bella3456

You fuck a man who forces you to do a "massive" clean every time he leaves? I've read some grim shit on MN, this might take the cake.

AubadeIsIt · 23/03/2022 08:50

@ChickenStripper

I read as far as the word "cocaine" - you could find plenty of men to shag that are not druggies. FGS.

I was out at "massive clean" - no way in hell Id spend precious child-free time cleaning up after a coke head who's using my home to enjoy his habit. Casual sex is up for grabs everywhere, seriously.

99pronouns · 23/03/2022 10:10

In your position I would be terrified SS would find out about this. If they do, they will be back on your case as you are coming across as someone who is not capable of making the right decisions to protect their child.

Most women would not invite a man who does drugs continuously to their family home to stay every other weekend.

You are at danger of being robbed, abused, your child coming across the drugs and ingesting them etc etc.

You are playing with fire.

There are lots of men you can have sex with, why have you chosen one who threatens your family by potentially having SS involved again.

When SS stop visiting they don't erase your file - so next time they have to visit they already know you and your past. You are now adding to this evidence that you are not able to parent wisely.

99pronouns · 23/03/2022 10:16

BTW I've done drugs including cocaine in the past so I'm not coming from a place that doing drugs is a complete no no.

But the situation you are currently in is a massive NO.

I hope you can consider the replies on this thread, we want what's best for you and your child.

Original poster

Bella3456 · 23/03/2022 10:31

I think I've heard what I really needed to hear. Ive had lots of anxiety about this over the last few weeks and I've felt like it was wrong even though no child was there. I'm really unsure why I always seem to attract this type of guy ( ex was an alcoholic and why social services were involved) but no I really do appreciate the comments as its what I needed to hear.

OP posts:

Knutface · 23/03/2022 12:12

There will be 100s of men in your area that are up for casual, ditch this drug user ASAP and find someone worthy. I’ve never dated a cocaine user, but wouldn’t regular drug use cause sexual problems or maybe it’s something that he needs because he has issues in that department.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/03/2022 13:08

I'm really unsure why I always seem to attract this type of guy

I think some counselling to explore why this is would be really beneficial to you.

You're making decisions that put your son at risk and put SS' view of you in jeopardy.

You need to find out why you're doing that and what steps you can take to stop it happening again.

HellToTheNope · 23/03/2022 15:17

I'm really unsure why I always seem to attract this type of guy

You don't, you seek them out because that's what you're comfortable with. Until you accept that and figure out why, you ar doomed to repeat this destructive behaviour.

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