Do I send my parents a Ruby Wedding Anniversary gift/card?

[AnneSally2]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4435462-Did-I-do-the-right-thing-And-WTF-do-I-do-now-I-am-so-scared?pg=1

Prev Thread. Again, I am so grateful for everyone's support with that situation.

It's their (major) Wedding Anniversary this week.

I've not spoken to my Dad since-I've seen my Mum, we've been out together and out with others, but not been to their house.

After the situation (in brief, a horrid altercation with my Dad on xmas day) my Mum and Dad had a huge row, slept apart for a week, almost got divorced, to the point solicitors were involved etc.

He is still seldom speaking to her, in his words- 'Because she won't take his side' on the xmas day situation and about me, in general.

They're on the rocks after decades of marriage. They're muddling along but my Mum's struggling, which I obviously feel terrible about. He tried to make it up to her after a week or so, at first, took her out and bought her gifts and apologised.
But since then is still annoyed with her for not supporting him in his behaviour that day and in general with how I've been all of my life and how he feels about it all.

My Sister has just sent a photo of what she's got them for a gift. Nothing incredible, but a nice sentimental thing.

I think I will send them something. But I am not sure.
Also, my Mum has asked will I sit with my Dad and try sort it out.
WWYD?

In answer to your last question, I would ask what she means by that. Is your Dad ready to take responsibility and move on without trying to blame other people for his appalling behaviour? If so, then I'd say that's a positive start.

With regard to the card, could you have a chat with your mum and say you feel uncomfortable sending one and would she be offended if you didn't? Could you send some flowers to mark the occasion, that you know your mum would enjoy?

I think everyone should stop enabling his bad behaviour. Don’t send a gift. Take your mum out for afternoon tea alone. Poor woman.

He’s a bully. Get counselling if you’re not already. Get your mum counselling. I’m currently in a marriage with a man like this. His temper and moods dominate our lives. It’s misogyny and bullying. Resolve to have no more contact. Be there for your mum. Build up other relationships.

God, no. Your mum being married to a monster for so many years is nothing to celebrate. Your mum is wrong to ask you to sort it out with your dad, he’s abused you for years and she’s aware of that. I think you all need to be free of this man, I’d have cut him off a long time ago and would be encouraging your mum to do the same.

I just read the OP of your other thread but not the rest. He's a terrible bully (I'm sure that got said A LOT). You are brave and well done for standing up to him and even more well done for keeping your cool.

Him - you don't have to do anything or even ever see him again.
Your mum - agree with another pp, take her out for tea or a nice lunch, give her a gift, be nice to her. Poor woman is probably a mess. But be clear to her that you are not building bridges to him. Model strength. Offer - if you can and want to - to support and help her to leave him.

You are amazing. Stick to who you are. Don't let any of them bully you OP.

Take your Mum out, send her some flowers so she feels special but ignore the bully. No need for cards full of shite sentiment that you or they don't mean

I would not send them anything frankly. If it makes you feel better donate the money otherwise spent to a domestic violence charity; it will have more benefit.

Your mother has chosen to remain with her abuser for her own reasons, none of which are to do with you. Their relationship is a toxic codependent one and one that you will keep on being dragged into if you allow it. She is certainly wrong in asking you to sort it out with your dad and is throwing you under the bus here by at all asking this. She's using you as a sort of buffer here between she and him and she's getting what she wants out of the relationship she has with your dad.

What if anything do you know about your mother's childhood?. I am wondering if her own father was himself violent, we tend to repeat what we saw in childhood in our own adult relationships.

She has failed you as a parent also.

Her choice to stay has had awful consequences for both your sister and you. I hope she does divorce her abuser but I would not be at all surprised if she remained with him.

You do not owe either of these people anything let alone a relationship now.

I presume that your father is a similar age to your mum - 75ish?

My personal take after reading your other thread, is that they have chosen to be and remain married (at this point) and I think that is worth recognising with a card or similar. I'd still send a gift, though probably one more aimed at your mum, though often these gifts are aimed more at the woman's taste, in my experience.

Given you mum has asked will you sit with your Dad and try sort it out, I'd take that as a huge suggestion that the weight of this issue, that really has snowballed, is weighing heavily on her shoulders. And without being morbid, if covid hasn't taught us anything, it's that life can be so much shorter than we thought it would be. I'd try and find some middle ground with your father, purely for your mum tbh. I suppose, without minimising his behaviour, that it would be you carrying this burden if you don't and he died or if your mum died without you trying. And you don't need to be carrying that as well. You don't have to forgive, but maybe at least be able to be in the same room again.

I wouldn’t buy them anything, no. Given that they’ve had an unhappy marriage by the sounds of things, including violence and all.

I also wouldn’t sit down with your dad either. Because I don’t think a lifetime of having hos own way will change him now.

OP should not set herself on fire here to keep her mother warm; her mother merely wants to use her daughter here as some sort of buffer between her H and she.

There is no ground, let alone a middle ground to work on and OP at all sitting down with her abusive father is not going to go well for her.

I’d tell your mum you haven’t forgotten the anniversary, but it feels contrived/dishonest to acknowledge it due to recent events. And leave it at that.

Taking my Mum out instead is a great idea actually.

Thanks all. A lot of food for thought.

Yesterday, he took her out and bought some gifts. I am guessing that means things are better for the first time in months.

I think she'll update me next time I see her, on that.

I am sorry you're in that situation needingpeace It's awful-of course you'd not have knowingly married someone like that but so many of us end up there. Hope your situation improves soon.

Thank you @heldinadream :)

@attilathemeerkat her childhood was more or less idyllic! As far as I know obviously-she's spoken nothing but well of her parents, I knew my grandparents too and my Grandmother was the most loving, unselfless person ever. My Grandfather wasn't quite so overt with it but he was similar. I know that's unusual and I have gravitated toward toxic relationships myself until recently.

@choiceMummy he's a few years younger, but yes I understand-and that has ALWAYS been my stance, I've always been fine (not ecstatic but fine, to be around him at family gatherings etc, but over the last few years one thing has changed and that's that if he starts with his temper I will leave. I didn't used to do that.

I would go back to how it was if possible, I don't think we'll ever have a close relationship obviously but I'd rather not be estranged, for my sake as well as my Mum's-I will be missing out on some garden gatherings this summer, they often have a midsummer party of sorts for example, I don't want things to be awkward for other family members or people to wonder where I am. That's quite likely the wrong attitude on some level, I realise :(

@bigoldhag I think they've been largely happy, but when there's a spat it has always been about me :( and lasts for months but ultimately they're still in love. This is a extremely bad one though-made worse I suppose because I walked out and threw them a huge curveball, that's only happened once before and wasn't anywhere near as bad a situation. He doesn't agree on many things that happened in my childhood to do with him and me mostly.

@attilathemeerkat of sitting down with him, I am actually scared of doing it, which feels pathetic as a fully fledged adult. I suspect he'd lose his temper again. Perhaps I could just say I'll be around again for any social event as long as he doesn't behave that way, and take it from there... I can't see him ever admitting he's behavior was wrong.

Of the present, I think as others have said I'll arrange for us to go for lunch/dinner somewhere. Thanks :)

A gift for her putting up with him for that long sounds ideal.