Any advice truly welcome.
My DM (79) collapsed just before Christmas, and despite several surgeries over 6 weeks, she was unable to recover from all the combined problems she had. (Burst aneurysm, bowel surgery, failing kidneys). Prior to this she was well, but my DF is terminally Ill with cancer and copd and on oxygen 24 hours a day. They followed me when I relocated 3 years ago, so my DM would not be alone when DF died (obviously expected him to go first). As covid was still an issue, only one of us could visit the hospital daily, so I agreed to go, 1 hour away, everyday, which I did whilst DF waited at home for news. All through Christmas until the end of January. Once they told us it was nearing the end, DF and DB came to say goodbye to DM, then I stayed until she passed two days later. She knew she was dying, very very traumatic. I was ending one job and starting another, so DF paid my wages for two months so I could concentrate on looking after him and visiting my DM, until my new job started 4 weeks ago.
The problem now is DF has rejected any type of care - carers or a care home and is being more and more difficult. I get it to a certain extent, he misses DM and is grieving, but he is picking fights with me constantly and expects me to go and see him daily after work, and constantly tells me how lonely he is and that he wants to die. He tells anyone who will listen so I get plenty of phone calls expressing concern, but I have tried to get him help he is refusing.
It’s got to the point where I just don’t want to see him at all, I have not even started to grieve my DM yet, and I’m sick of his dramatic outbursts and nitpicking.
I have contacted social services today for an assessment but no doubt whatever they suggest he will not accept it, and I will be expected to keep doing everything, from paperwork, shopping, clearing up after his accidents, laundry etc.
I have a wonderful DH and a 14 year old that needs me, how do I kindly step away? Why do I feel so guilty? In my opinion he is so weak he belongs in a home, but we won’t listen to me or DB - who incidentally has been amazing but lives a lot further away and needs to get back to work full time after three months of supporting us.
Please help- I can feel a mental health crisis looming.