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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Getting close to breaking point with DH

15 replies

ooooof · 22/03/2022 12:25

Just that really

He's a good man but impossible to communicate with.

Every conversation i try to have he takes as a criticism. It's exhausting.

Even the most benign stuff, example, this is this morning I realised I'd left the kitchen light on last night when I went up to bed, I laughed and said there goes £50 electric. This was met with ohhh well I didn't know it was on etc etc Confused I just thought jeez chill out it was a joke!

A big issue for us is time management. He's always pressed for time and I get that. We're a busy family with small children but I've been hearing this for the last 15 years. He's never had enough time for x, y, z even when we had zero commitments. However that never stops him interfering in my stuff, the kids stuff, taking on other people's work at his job.

I pointed this out this morning after listening to another complaint about having no life apart from home and work and he got really annoyed with me and said he must be imagining how he feels then.

I'm really getting to a point where I don't know if I cam go on like this. He's a good guy and I love him but it's wearing thin. He's devoting so much time to work and then of course we have the children that there's nothing left for a marriage.

I partly feel he's making his own life hard taking on so much at work, no one else is doing this. I don't ask for any help at home, yet he Interfers and then moans he's super busy. Part of me thinks this is life with a young family. Get on with it! Let's make the days enjoyable as possible not wish our lives away waiting for it to get easier. Because with him there's always going to be something 😑

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 22/03/2022 12:37

Just to check...when you say he us taking extra time at work..are you sure he is actually at work?
Because he sounds like ge has checked out home life and...Well, he doesn't seem to like you very much tbh. I'd wonder if there was someone else on the go.

That aside though, life is too short to spend with a miserable git who has no time fir his own family. I'd ask him why be felt working so much was a good thing for his family when it meant that he doesn't see the kids enough and that it also seems to make him miserable? I'd tell him that a solution needed to be found together ASAP. I'd also suggest he see his gp for a talk about his moods. Tell him this is a partnership and a condition for you moving forwards is that things need to change. That you'll help him work through whatever is going on but only if he is willing to do what needs done.

Original poster
ooooof · 22/03/2022 13:20

He's wfh so don't think there's anybody else on the scene.

He spends a lot of time with the kids, less so with me. Checked out feels like the right term.

I understand that he needs to work but it's like there's no off button

OP posts:
Gioia1 · 23/03/2022 21:43

Has he got Adult Adhd by any chance?

The poor time management yet taking on extra work shows in ability to prioritise as they see time a different way than us.
Not having enough time for x y z yet no commitments? Also the light thing and being so defensive over a non issue?
Classic unmanaged adult adhd symptom

Just check the symptoms out you never know
It may just be a case of being undiagnosed therefore the symptoms are not managed

abw94 · 23/03/2022 22:09

I would have took your comment about the light as a dig. Maybe think about the way you speak to him?

ThisisMax · 23/03/2022 22:11

I thought ADHD before I even finished your post. Read about Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. The time stuff is the big flag too.

Nicoise · 23/03/2022 22:23

@abw94

I would have took your comment about the light as a dig. Maybe think about the way you speak to him?
this morning I realised I'd left the kitchen light on last night when I went up to bed, I laughed and said there goes £50 electric you took that as a dig at him? How so? She was pretty obviously criticising herself.
Gioia1 · 24/03/2022 05:14

@ThisisMax

I thought ADHD before I even finished your post. Read about Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. The time stuff is the big flag too.
@ThisisMax Exactly
Tidlo · 24/03/2022 05:25

Mumsnet tickbox:

  • he's having an affair
  • excuse it my medicalising him as neurodiverse

Just waiting for someone to say he's being emotionally abusive and she should call women's aid.

DutifulDaughterWifeMother · 09/01/2023 00:59

Hi OP, he doesn’t sound a very nice person at all. Have you sat him down & had a real heart to heart about everything? Or have you tried that & it’s been a complete waste of time?

Thisistyresome · 09/01/2023 10:48

Just a though does he have ADHD or some other neuro-divergence? That can cause some of the issues listed. If he is there is no “cure” but there may be strategies that are more effective and self-awareness can help people recognise that they need to really get those strategies in place.

Thisistyresome · 09/01/2023 10:51

Tidlo · 24/03/2022 05:25

Mumsnet tickbox:

  • he's having an affair
  • excuse it my medicalising him as neurodiverse

Just waiting for someone to say he's being emotionally abusive and she should call women's aid.

I get your point, which was funny.

But, in this case, it looks very like ADHD. Spotting a neuro-diversity is not an "excuse" as it should require a response, but the response may not be what is the go-to of a normal person.

pjani · 09/01/2023 10:51

Your comment about the light was passive aggressive, not funny. It was a way of pointing out what he’d done wrong and it’s always hard to be able to do that well (I can’t do it well either).

Have you considered couples counselling to try and improve communication? It might help if you were able to properly talk through your issues.

Good luck!

GreenManalishi · 09/01/2023 10:56

@abw94 @pjani

I realised I'd left the kitchen light on last night when I went up to bed

The OP did not accuse her DP of leaving the kitchen light on. She was not being passive aggressive, she was being self denigrating, which should provide her DP with zero need for upset.

KateBalesCardi · 09/01/2023 10:57

pjani · 09/01/2023 10:51

Your comment about the light was passive aggressive, not funny. It was a way of pointing out what he’d done wrong and it’s always hard to be able to do that well (I can’t do it well either).

Have you considered couples counselling to try and improve communication? It might help if you were able to properly talk through your issues.

Good luck!

How on earth was it passive aggressive when OP says 'I left the kitchen light on'? She was bemoaning/taking the piss out of her own error, not his so how is that PA??

girlmom21 · 09/01/2023 10:58

This thread is 9 months old. Can we not?

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