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Original poster

fifth date compatibility

13 replies

jamestaylor23 · 22/03/2022 12:14

I'm coming into the fifth date with a lovely woman this weekend.

After spending a month with her I'm however finding that she's quite shy and reserved which has become a struggle to create a deeper emotional connection.

I don't mind taking the lead but I find that I have to push to make conversations happen or she will go silent. On the physical level its the same she responds very positively but she won't make any movement unless I escalate.

She's keen to keep dating and I do as well but any advice on this would be great

OP posts:
Casper001 · 22/03/2022 13:27

Sounds quite introverted?

Maybe try to get her to talk about the things she's passionate about? If that fails maybe there's not much hope

Crimeismymiddlename · 22/03/2022 19:09

Seems a bit hard work, I can’t imagine having to push a conversation with someone who is really into me.

It also smacks of a lack of effort and interest on her part. If it is this hard now when you are both on best behaviour it will get harder.

ChoiceMummy · 22/03/2022 19:43

@Crimeismymiddlename

Seems a bit hard work, I can’t imagine having to push a conversation with someone who is really into me. It also smacks of a lack of effort and interest on her part. If it is this hard now when you are both on best behaviour it will get harder.
That's harsh.

Everything the op has said could easily be said about me!

I am a slow burner. Having been out of the dating game makes it quite scary. It's hard to relax and read the sjgnals. Not wanting to go too fast, second guessing etc.

@jamestaylor23
Give her time! She's telling you she's interested. That's a good sign!

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 22/03/2022 21:16

@Crimeismymiddlename

Seems a bit hard work, I can’t imagine having to push a conversation with someone who is really into me. It also smacks of a lack of effort and interest on her part. If it is this hard now when you are both on best behaviour it will get harder.
While I also think this is a tad harsh, i think there is also some truth, if you are doing all running it’s going to be be an uphill struggle to get anywhere, sorry. Maybe your not best suited
Original poster
jamestaylor23 · 23/03/2022 12:07

valid points here. I think she's interested because we speak almost daily, on dates she seeds follow up date ideas and wants to keep spending time together. We are intimate too so all the elements are there...

I'm just finding that because of her nature it feels quite surface level and I want to find a way to tap into those sides of her that are a bit more open and relaxed so we can flow organically.

By now is there any advice on what kinds of conversations which should be having too? If conversation isn't flowing natural it might be a red flag that we're not compatible.

OP posts:
Original poster
jamestaylor23 · 23/03/2022 12:09

I throw no judgement on her being shy. We're all built different and I just want her to have a good experience/time together as I'm having too. She has a lot of great qualities about her which is why I'm keen to carry it forward

OP posts:
HeDidWhattt · 23/03/2022 12:19

Why don’t you just ask her and talk to her about it.

And incase your not aware, some people don’t experience that awkwardness in silence…for instance I don’t, and I’m quite happy to sit in silence for a while and just cuddle up and enjoy the moment, I personally don’t understand why people feel they have to talk all the time!

She will be less shy the more time you spend together I imagine.

stealthninjamum · 23/03/2022 12:28

Op is it that there is a certain type of conversation you need? Have you started to initiate that? How much do you know about her past?

I found when I started dating (for the first time in twenty years) there were lots of rules like ‘let him contact you first’, ‘don’t reveal too much about yourself too quickly especially if you were abused’ etc. Maybe she finds dating someone she likes a bit daunting, she’s expecting you to ghost her - so many other men do this.

Have you had any kind of exclusivity chat? It might be that she needs that to feel secure. When I started dating my now partner of three years I found the early butterfly days so stressful. There was a big sexual attraction but I think emotionally he was quite closed for a year because of his previous relationships. You didn’t say your ages but maybe she’s been hurt before and you need to take time slowly getting to know her.

Maflingo · 23/03/2022 12:30

I’m not sure how deep an emotional connection you are expecting after 5 dates? That would still be very much in casual territory for me, and I’d possibly not even have felt comfortable sleeping with you yet, so as you say, everyone is different.

I’m not great at initiating conversations sometimes either, but at this stage would probably be asking you questions about yourself to get to know you better. What sorts of things do you talk about now? What do you think you should be talking about?

Agee with a pp on the “silence” too, I’m very happy snuggled up in silence so she may be too, or could be sat there wondering what to talk about and whether you’d find that topic interesting or not!

If you are enjoying yourself, and she seems to be too, then carry on as you are.

If you’re not enjoying yourself, then there’s something to talk about with her?

Original poster
jamestaylor23 · 23/03/2022 14:57

we're both 31 years old and both of us have been in long term relationships previously (her 7 years and me 9 years)

Her past from what I gather has been raised in china, went to boarding school and then moved to the UK when she was 19 years old. She's been here ever since on her own.

I haven't discussed exclusive chats yet. I thought going into 5 dates it may be too soon and I don't want to scare her off. Maybe it might have the opposite effect though..If we discuss it may reinforce trust and security which she may need?

She's quite agreeable with what I say and letting me lead mostly so I just want to know she feels safe and is happy (I get the impression from what she tells me she's quite passive, makes others happy and hides her feelings)

We all have different energies and she may be more of an introvert which is fine. Sometimes we'll be in silence, she's be cuddled up/in my lap and I don't mind that.

Relationships take time to develop, you grow together once a foundation is put in place and comfort is there so maybe I'm overthinking it and should just let it happen organically without putting a time limit on it.

OP posts:
stealthninjamum · 23/03/2022 15:32

I was exclusive with my partner on about the third date. We’d been intimate and so I didn’t feel it was too soon, I wouldn’t want to sleep with someone who was sleeping with someone else.

I didn’t want to scare him away but I think I said something like ‘let’s take it one date at a time without the complication of seeing other people and just enjoy things’. So we weren’t boyfriend and girlfriend but two people having fun and seeing where it goes. I was drunk at the time so probably more pushy than I would’ve been sober.

Original poster
jamestaylor23 · 23/03/2022 15:45

thanks for sharing. I'm going to see what the vibe of our fifth date is and take it from there. Might be a good time to discuss with her and see where her heads at..

OP posts:
SheWoreYellow · 23/03/2022 15:49

I think it sounds like you just don’t quite get on. Sorry. I wouldn’t think conversation should be so hard with someone you really click with.

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